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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Well am I? My ex is an absolute arse.

563 replies

Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 15:03

My ex is still outraged that I divorced him and then later met someone else AND kept the house AND am much happier. He is a study of coercive control and finally left when the police removed him.
The kids are 17, 16, 15 and he refuses to communicate with me at all about when he is seeing them. Doesn’t attend anything school or education related ever ever and pays just under the bare minimum CSA amount despite being on £150k conservatively. You get the picture. He’s moved an hour away by car.

I booked a holiday well over a year ago, before the term dates came out and got an amazing price because of the Early Bird element and a clause that said absolutely no changes, refunds, postponements, nothing.

Turns out the kids are in school that week so rather than lose the fortune it cost to book this for me and my partner, I have booked a DBS nanny/babysitter who has minded them before, to move in for the week.

This is apparently disgusting, awful, I’m a terrible selfish parent, etc all relaid via DC3 direct from his dad. He’s also started making what I consider to be vexatious complaints to social care, about whether I’m feeding them junk or home cooked food, why they get the bus to school (2 miles) instead of me driving them, why I redecorated one of the kids’ rooms as a surprise (which to be fair he hated), and now this. Apparently the kids are too young to be left with a “stranger” and are very upset and I should cancel. He won’t EVER tell me when he’s having the kids so I can’t plan things usually. I know he’s being utterly unreasonable by interfering in this way but he’s managed to upset the kids who are now complaining non stop about how they don’t want to be looked after by anyone. And yet if I left them home alone, which I wouldn’t do, that would be wrong too. Fed up.

OP posts:
Tableforjoan · 22/04/2026 19:05

I don’t get posters who would drag along a teen who’s just going to be miserable just to say they holidayed together.

Ops placed a responsible adult in the house dbs checked.

Not that the 17 or 16 year old should need an actual adult as hell only a few years ago at 16 you could leave school and move into your own home.

We shall be camping later this year and I know for a fact my boy won’t want to come and he will be 17 and can cook. So he can look after the pets with grandparents on call just in case.

Raspberrywhite · 22/04/2026 19:05

Another horrible MN pile on.

OP, of course yanbu.
Can you get on to Women's aid about his continued abuse of you, for advice.

Can you call 101 and ask for advice about his emotional abuse of the children, and log his emotional abuse of them?
Can you contact safeguarding at their school?

Fight fire with fire.
He is emotionally abusing the children to get at you.

Some years ago my friends younger cousin was married to a prick like yours and she made a complaint to the police.
She also logged it with the school safeguarding team.
She asked her solicitor to write to him to ask that he desist from doing a long list of things that were upsetting her children and that she had logged his behaviour.

Her family made sure lots of mutual friends and some of his colleagues saw the letter.
It got back to him because there was gossip as he was such a nice guy!
Text book street angel, house devil.

He was furious at being exposed and that it had been logged with police, school etc.
It did calm him right down though.

Bullies hate being exposed.

Itstheyearitstarts · 22/04/2026 19:05

Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 18:59

Did you miss the bit where I detailed that I have them ALL THE TIME save for the odd week here and there that their father deigns to have them? What is a shame about that? Would you never want anything without the children, even when they’re almost adults and would rather be doing their own thing anyway on holiday?

I’ll suggest that I tag along to the next couple of festivals with the oldest this summer. That will go down like a sack of shit…

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I think you’re getting a hard time unnecessarily, your ex is being a dick and sounds like he’s been telling your kids shit to stir it up and get them on your case.
Yes, you made a mistake but you should absolutely go, enjoy yourself and know the kids are with someone who has looked after them before.
If you don’t you are always beholden to your ex and I think that’s wrong.

Original poster
Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 19:04

Snowyowl99 · 22/04/2026 19:02

Ok. Calm down., I didn't mean to touch a nerve As I said each to their own. Have a good holiday.

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Actually no, when you post nonsense like how nice it would be to spend time together but each to their own, it’s pointedly aimed to gain moral superiority and guilt trip - except of course I’m with them all the time anyway. Perhaps you don’t see yours as often as you’d like.

OP posts:
BeReet · 22/04/2026 19:03

The standard of reading comprehension from a large number of posters on this thread is absolutely woeful.

Snowyowl99 · 22/04/2026 19:02

Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 18:59

Did you miss the bit where I detailed that I have them ALL THE TIME save for the odd week here and there that their father deigns to have them? What is a shame about that? Would you never want anything without the children, even when they’re almost adults and would rather be doing their own thing anyway on holiday?

I’ll suggest that I tag along to the next couple of festivals with the oldest this summer. That will go down like a sack of shit…

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Ok. Calm down., I didn't mean to touch a nerve As I said each to their own. Have a good holiday.

GingersOwner26 · 22/04/2026 19:01

Seems to be an awful lot of people not reading the thread properly before posting, and jumping on the OP for things that were never the case in the first place, maybe get the facts before piling on her?

OP enjoy your trip. If Superdaddy isn't happy with the arrangements, he has enough time to try and sort out a way to get them to school if he has them.

Original poster
Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 18:59

Snowyowl99 · 22/04/2026 18:52

Just seems a shame to not spend time together, but each to their own

Edited
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Did you miss the bit where I detailed that I have them ALL THE TIME save for the odd week here and there that their father deigns to have them? What is a shame about that? Would you never want anything without the children, even when they’re almost adults and would rather be doing their own thing anyway on holiday?

I’ll suggest that I tag along to the next couple of festivals with the oldest this summer. That will go down like a sack of shit…

OP posts:
RoseField1 · 22/04/2026 18:58

tryandbepositive · 22/04/2026 18:28

He sounds awful but I wouldn’t go on holiday and leave three children with what is a stranger. It’s so cold. You made the mistake so just write it off and have a staycation or something.

Three older teenagers who will stay at home together with an adult they know to cook them meals and drive them to school?! What a hardship 🙄

OrangeKettle · 22/04/2026 18:56

most of these replies are mental. OP, you’re never, ever, allowed to do anything for yourself, ever again. You’re such a bad parent because you don’t see that 🙄

RoseField1 · 22/04/2026 18:56

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 22/04/2026 18:22

The issue isn’t that they can’t cope for a week without her.

The issue is that she originally booked a holiday and because she didn’t bother to check the termtime dates she then decided to ditch the kids rather than move the dates or cancel the holiday.

As it is she will have lost thousands by not taking the kids with her.

A 16 and 17 year old don’t need a babysitter, although I’d be concerned about parties and drinking etc at that age. But when the holiday was originally booked with them in mind apparently, and they were ditched as soon as the OP realised she’d cocked up it was the kids who ended up paying the price.

And as a 17 year old I’d be thinking it was deliberate.

Certainly if someone posted here that they were all meant to be going on holiday and that because the person booking suddenly realised the dates were wrong which had they checked they would have known all along so the person couldn’t go, people would be telling the poster that was a deliberate move on their part.

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Try reading properly.

TheGreatDownandOut · 22/04/2026 18:56

Fuck me, so the exH gets to pick and choose when he fancies being a parent to his kids, gets to try and control the OP and start rows via their children, make malicious complaints to SS and pay less CMS than he should be the OP gets flamed for wanting a week’s break and leaving the ‘kids’ in safe hands???

Yeah of course the OP is in the wrong 🙄

Original poster
Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 18:55

This is such a bizarre mix of responses and the nasty ones have a really horrible sexist overtone! They’ve included assumptions that;

  • I “took” the house even though he paid the mortgage
  • My partner is someone I just met
  • Ive ditched the kids
  • ive prioritised my (new?) partner over the kids
  • Teens would be humiliated by being supervised but simultaneously might be drinking and have parties
  • i should throw away thousands rather than my children being slightly inconvenienced
  • I’ve booked a stranger
  • i should take them all with me!
OP posts:
Snowyowl99 · 22/04/2026 18:52

Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 18:49

Dragging them kicking and screaming round places with no WiFi would be the 9th circle of hell for all concerned. Don’t you get that?

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Just seems a shame to not spend time together, but each to their own

RoseField1 · 22/04/2026 18:52

Snowyowl99 · 22/04/2026 18:47

Of course it is . Leaving out the youngsters is not a good look

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Nonsense

driftingdownintomiami · 22/04/2026 18:51

The pile on on the OP is ridiculous. Please read her updates about never planning to take the kids and thinking they'd be with their dad that week. And them being nearly adults! Have a good holiday OP.

RoseField1 · 22/04/2026 18:51

Applesonthelawn · 22/04/2026 17:43

I do think it's poor that you value a cheaper holiday away from the kids more than supporting them whilst they are at school. That's not parenting.
The fact that the father is worse has nothing to do with it. In fact all the more important that one parent steps up all the time. You can argue the ins and outs of the balance of responsibility between you two (clearly skewed) but that's a different question.

It's a fucking week!!!

Original poster
Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 18:50

anneblythe · 22/04/2026 18:49

I don't understand how people are so upset about older teend spending a week with a stranger. They could go on a PGL holiday, French exchange or sports camp where they didn't know anyone. This way they're at home with their siblings, and you say they've met the sitter before.

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Because of ingrained societal misogyny?

OP posts:
MummyWillow1 · 22/04/2026 18:49

I bet social services are sick of him as well. Those ‘complaints’ wouldn’t even warrant being written down!

Mother feeds children
Mother sends children to school
Mother decorates child’s bedroom

All non-issues and definitely vexatious. He will get a warning from social services if he doesn’t stop and they will ignore him.

Also, your children probably don’t even need a nanny at their ages! Just someone to pop in for a bit and make sure they are all alive and eating something semi nutritious for an hour each day.

Ignore him.

Original poster
Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 18:49

Snowyowl99 · 22/04/2026 18:47

Of course it is . Leaving out the youngsters is not a good look

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Dragging them kicking and screaming round places with no WiFi would be the 9th circle of hell for all concerned. Don’t you get that?

OP posts:
anneblythe · 22/04/2026 18:49

Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 18:32

<and repeat>

She isn’t a stranger. They’ve met her, they are quite self sufficient, but to appease my nerves and see off Good Ideas, I’ve booked hired DBS help for three teens, all big strapping things, not little teenies.

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I don't understand how people are so upset about older teend spending a week with a stranger. They could go on a PGL holiday, French exchange or sports camp where they didn't know anyone. This way they're at home with their siblings, and you say they've met the sitter before.

ChiaraRimini · 22/04/2026 18:49

ImImmortalNowBabyDoll · 22/04/2026 18:42

OP should let them know that next year, they're all going to Butlins and she's reserved spots for them at the Kids Club and the Children's Disco. Better get them practising their moves for the Chichiwa! 😂

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💯 tell them this 😆
my diagnosis:
XH hates OP having a life so has wound up the teenagers in order to get at OP.
They will be fine OP, your arrangements are perfectly ok. Tell the kids that when they are paying for the holidays they can decide where to go and who goes.
Have a great time on your trip, it sounds right up my street. If I could afford a full time babysitter for a week that’s what I would do too!

Snowyowl99 · 22/04/2026 18:47

AnotherName2025 · 22/04/2026 18:33

Of course it's not. Teenagers don't always want to do every Holiday their parents want to do. It's totally fine for them to choose to stay home & entirely responsible to make sure there's an adult in the house!

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Of course it is . Leaving out the youngsters is not a good look

RoseField1 · 22/04/2026 18:46

TedDog · 22/04/2026 15:41

Wait a minute, you’re leaving your kids in the house with a stranger (yes, a DBS checked childminder but still a bloody stranger!) for an entire week?!?!? Your poor kids. They’re not pets

They are teenagers!! Old enough to be left with no adult supervision at all!

AnotherName2025 · 22/04/2026 18:45

@Mostlywilliow

probably best for your sanity to abandon the thread, have a glass of wine & think about your holiday.

there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you're doing. The teenagers can duck up having an adult in the house (to make sure it's still standing when you get back) & just ignore the fuckwit ex. Not long until they're all 18 !!

have a fabulous trip, it's not my thing, but I'm not going ❤️🤣