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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Well am I? My ex is an absolute arse.

563 replies

Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 15:03

My ex is still outraged that I divorced him and then later met someone else AND kept the house AND am much happier. He is a study of coercive control and finally left when the police removed him.
The kids are 17, 16, 15 and he refuses to communicate with me at all about when he is seeing them. Doesn’t attend anything school or education related ever ever and pays just under the bare minimum CSA amount despite being on £150k conservatively. You get the picture. He’s moved an hour away by car.

I booked a holiday well over a year ago, before the term dates came out and got an amazing price because of the Early Bird element and a clause that said absolutely no changes, refunds, postponements, nothing.

Turns out the kids are in school that week so rather than lose the fortune it cost to book this for me and my partner, I have booked a DBS nanny/babysitter who has minded them before, to move in for the week.

This is apparently disgusting, awful, I’m a terrible selfish parent, etc all relaid via DC3 direct from his dad. He’s also started making what I consider to be vexatious complaints to social care, about whether I’m feeding them junk or home cooked food, why they get the bus to school (2 miles) instead of me driving them, why I redecorated one of the kids’ rooms as a surprise (which to be fair he hated), and now this. Apparently the kids are too young to be left with a “stranger” and are very upset and I should cancel. He won’t EVER tell me when he’s having the kids so I can’t plan things usually. I know he’s being utterly unreasonable by interfering in this way but he’s managed to upset the kids who are now complaining non stop about how they don’t want to be looked after by anyone. And yet if I left them home alone, which I wouldn’t do, that would be wrong too. Fed up.

OP posts:
OvertiredAndEmotional · 22/04/2026 21:25

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 22/04/2026 18:15

Can you imagine this one the other way around?

”Ex and I divorced and he’s now living with someone else. Anyway, recently the kids came back from his upset because he’d originally booked a holiday last year and then when he realised that he’d got the term dates wrong he told the kids that because he doesn’t want him and his GF to miss out they’re no longer coming but will be staying home with a nanny.

The eldest is 17, and they’re really upset.”

There is not a single person on this thread who would say he’s totally justified. They’d all be saying that as usual this is a case of a man putting his new gf ahead of his kids. Just like the OP is doing here.

So many kids end up having to take a back seat after divorce and when their parents move on to someone else who will give them the life they want.

Can you imagine actually reading the thread and knowing that the kids were never going on the holiday?

I’ve never seen such pearl clutching before as on this thread. Have those of you who can’t possibly understand the OP leaving her teenagers for a week actually got teens, or are your kids still little?

Peony1985 · 22/04/2026 21:25

Ah, Shrodinger’s childcare - simultaneously irresponsible AND overly protective!

Hahaa. I love you too Op. I find it hard to believe 3 teen siblings are going to be the least bit concerned about you going on holiday but only who the replacement mumbot might be for the food/lifts/ washing components.
As for their dad. FFS. Coercive or not - have the kids or help sort a sitter. Not complicated.

KimTheresPeopleThatAreDying · 22/04/2026 21:22

YANBU. Fuck me, some people on this thread must be mental/misogynists/illiterate. No idea why you’ve had such a hard time.

Gerwurtztraminer · 22/04/2026 21:18

Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 20:50

It’s fascinating really because threads like this lay bare the absurd, damaging, sexist double standard perpetrated by women against other women. We don’t need the patriarchy to hold us back when there are female led attitudes like this around.

Totally! Weird isn't it. Kids that age think nothing of ditching parents for a festival for days on end and no one blinks. Lots of 17 years old are on the verge of leaving home for uni, travelling, jobs and housesharing or whatever, fgs. But resident parent mum going on holiday on her own, leaving them with safe supervision when their father seems then less than 50 days a year is apparently some sort of evil monster.

Enjoy your holiday! Have a chat with all of them about why you won't/can't them without a supervisor. And be blunt, yes part of it is trust (no Good Ideas!), part is that at 15/16 its on the edge of acceptable from a safeguarding pov, anyway and part of it is their Dad failing to step up. They can moan all they like but you are still going. They'll get over it! And eventually when a bit more mature, they'll see through shit Dad's attempt to manipulate them and appreciate you a lot more than they do right now.

Raspberrywhite · 22/04/2026 21:14

Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 20:50

It’s fascinating really because threads like this lay bare the absurd, damaging, sexist double standard perpetrated by women against other women. We don’t need the patriarchy to hold us back when there are female led attitudes like this around.

It's also why so many would rather stick needles in their eyes than open a thread on MN.

Seriously nasty, with lamentable literacy and comprehension issues!

jetlag92 · 22/04/2026 21:12

Have a lovely holiday OP!
Just don't tell the ex next time.

nomas · 22/04/2026 21:10

Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 18:08

Ah, Shrodinger’s childcare - simultaneously irresponsible AND overly protective!

It’s not a cheap holiday. It’s really fucking expensive but I got it cheaper cos I booked it ages ago, which you’d see if you read properly.

Show quote history

Can I just say I love you, OP. You take
no shit which is important when dealing with the Stepford Wives of MN who believe women should be chained to the stove and never have a life beyond their children.

BernardButlersBra · 22/04/2026 21:09

SooPanda · 22/04/2026 18:12

Some shocking replies here implying that wanting to go on your planned holiday for one week without your nearly grown kids is bad parenting! They have a father who won’t step up but sure you’re the bad parent for not sacrificing every tiny part of yourself.
I think if their dad cant / won’t have them then it makes sense to hire a responsible adult, it’s not like you’re leaving a toddler with a stranger for a month!

Err this. Have most people on this thread met any teens?! I doubt many would want to go on this type of holiday

Instinct tells me part of the reason is the ex is so shitty about this issue, is the children are getting older and his control over you / them is slipping. It’s going to be very minimal in a couple of years.

I would love to be a fly on the wall when he contacted social services! It must have given someone some laughs

whynotwhatknot · 22/04/2026 21:07

he sounds like a twat turning the kids against the idea but wont help himself

i stayed at home alone at 16 with my 13 and 2 year old sister for a few days but that was over 30 years ago

just talk to the kids about it and say well ask dad to have you then se what he says to that

KnitFastDieWarm · 22/04/2026 21:05

This thread is hilarious, the mummy martyrs are out in force tonight. You’d think@Mostlywilliowwas abandoning three toddlers in the central reservation of the M1 for a week. Do none of you remember being 15/16/17? No wonder young adults lack resilience these days if their entire secondary education and emotional wellbeing will be damaged by their mother going on a week’s holiday THAT THEY HAVE NO INTEREST IN GOING ON.

(But of course it’s fine for the feckless ex to swan in once in a blue moon and ‘babysit’ his own children, that doesn’t warrant any comment whatsoever.)

somanychristmaslights · 22/04/2026 20:59

What do your kids think? That should be what matters.

Original poster
Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 20:50

It’s fascinating really because threads like this lay bare the absurd, damaging, sexist double standard perpetrated by women against other women. We don’t need the patriarchy to hold us back when there are female led attitudes like this around.

OP posts:
StMichaelPenkevil · 22/04/2026 20:45

Applecup · 22/04/2026 20:34

Neither of you sound great parents to be honest.

Oh behave yourself @Applecup !

Original poster
Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 20:44

Applecup · 22/04/2026 20:34

Neither of you sound great parents to be honest.

Yes the ex is an arse. I’m waiting to hear where you think I could be doing better…

OP posts:
MCF86 · 22/04/2026 20:41

Sometimes I wish munsnet made you read all the posts from the OP before you reply!

OP, they'll all live. If your ex actually cared, he'd take time off to have then and facilitate getting them to school rather than just bitch. He knows they will cope fine, it's just a tool to cause you grief.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/04/2026 20:41

Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 20:31

The problem some people have is the OP is going to be having sex in warm weather. If she was having a colonoscopy everyone would think the kids would be fine.

Actually that’s it. 100%. I, my partner and my vagina will be having a lovely time. Hurrah!

Show quote history

Alright, dont fucking rub it in ..... so to speak 😉😅

RoseField1 · 22/04/2026 20:38

Applecup · 22/04/2026 20:34

Neither of you sound great parents to be honest.

Christ. Give it a rest.

Applecup · 22/04/2026 20:34

Neither of you sound great parents to be honest.

Original poster
Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 20:31

RavenPie · 22/04/2026 20:11

The 15yo needs to catch himself on

As to the head tilting “oh….i just like to spend every second with my little ones….we’ve got LegoLand booked plus we are all going to Ibiza after A-levels and dc1 is allowed to invite one friend and I’ve said he’s allowed a cider on the last night” posters.

Normal people are away from teens sometimes. People work, go away with friends, go away with new partners, go to funerals and weddings, go and provide care for parents etc. I’ve been away on holiday for 3-4 nights 4 times in the last 6 years plus stayed with my mum probably 20 times in the same period for several nights due to her health needs. Plus I work long days so I’m out all the bloody time! My kids don’t feel abandoned and they go away without me. If one of their mates asked them to go camping for a few days I wouldn’t expect them to say “I think I should spend all my free time with my mum”.

The problem some people have is the OP is going to be having sex in warm weather. If she was having a colonoscopy everyone would think the kids would be fine.

The problem some people have is the OP is going to be having sex in warm weather. If she was having a colonoscopy everyone would think the kids would be fine.

Actually that’s it. 100%. I, my partner and my vagina will be having a lovely time. Hurrah!

OP posts:
Speakofthedevil · 22/04/2026 20:27

This thread is absolutely batshit. Full of odd, saintly snowflakes (and some normal people, thank god).

The most ridiculous one was the poster who repeatedly yammered about 'supporting your children through school'. What in the hell. Yes, OP, you're condemning your kids to a life on benefits by going on this inexcusably irresponsible Mediterranean jaunt. And for A WHOLE WEEK! Omg, the absolute horror!

You're doing NOTHING wrong, OP. Not a thing. Your holiday plan seems grand. Teens will cope just fine, jesus christ, you're not leaving them in the tundra to fend for themselves. I'd query the babysitter bit, at their ages they're perfectly fine being left alone. But if you're worried about parties, then fair enough.

As for Mr. Whiny Bitch Daddy, if he's so worried, then he can take HIS kids himself, or shut it.

The only unreasonable bit in all of your posts was redecorating one of your child's room as a surprise. Many people would hate that. But it's not the end of the world; we all make mistakes.

Have a great holiday!

Readingsloth · 22/04/2026 20:23

Good Jesus Christ everyone is batshit.

I see literally nothing wrong with what you are doing, for what it’s worth.

thewonderfulmrswatson · 22/04/2026 20:20

People like him thrive off reactions. So don't give him one. Don't say a word about it or just a simple "ok then". Even if you're burning with rage do not give him a reaction.

YourOliveBalonz · 22/04/2026 20:16

Oh how could you OP, you’re ruining their childhood with a week away in their teens. All those years down the drain, education for nothing, they’ll be traumatised for life now.

Have a fantastic time, enjoy the knowledge your Ex is as bitter as he deserves to be, and perhaps now is a good time for a gentle chat with the kids about reality re: their wonderful father.

GreenCandleWax · 22/04/2026 20:15

TedDog · 22/04/2026 15:41

Wait a minute, you’re leaving your kids in the house with a stranger (yes, a DBS checked childminder but still a bloody stranger!) for an entire week?!?!? Your poor kids. They’re not pets

Why not read what OPO said? The person has minded them before.

RavenPie · 22/04/2026 20:11

The 15yo needs to catch himself on

As to the head tilting “oh….i just like to spend every second with my little ones….we’ve got LegoLand booked plus we are all going to Ibiza after A-levels and dc1 is allowed to invite one friend and I’ve said he’s allowed a cider on the last night” posters.

Normal people are away from teens sometimes. People work, go away with friends, go away with new partners, go to funerals and weddings, go and provide care for parents etc. I’ve been away on holiday for 3-4 nights 4 times in the last 6 years plus stayed with my mum probably 20 times in the same period for several nights due to her health needs. Plus I work long days so I’m out all the bloody time! My kids don’t feel abandoned and they go away without me. If one of their mates asked them to go camping for a few days I wouldn’t expect them to say “I think I should spend all my free time with my mum”.

The problem some people have is the OP is going to be having sex in warm weather. If she was having a colonoscopy everyone would think the kids would be fine.

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