I’m an affair baby

Meh. So am I. I’m also adopted because of it and have several half siblings who (so far as I know) don’t know I exist.

It’s really not the big deal you’re making it out I be. You are yourself and your parents conduct is no reflection on you.

What an overreaction.

Your Dad laughed as he explained your Mum was pregnant with you as a result of their affair, while still living with their other partners?
All this while you explained why you split with your partner? No surprise you feel hurt. You are trying to get over the betrayal and your Dad responds as he did. We don't have the details of how things were with his other family but it reads like you are now processing things that may have happened or being said through the years.
💐

I get it. We all have views of our parents as adults.

You had one view your whole life that has now been shattered. As we can see from this thread people have very varied views on infidelity. With plenty of rationalising of it as a means to an end.

There was infidelity in my parents marriage. They stayed together. As is their right as adults to chose what is best for them. I however hold my own opinions about it and while you can still love a parent based on your relationship with them, personally respecting them as a person is a different matter all together.

There is also a large amount of disgust if I think about it to deeply. So I don't because I respect the right of the person who opted to stay. Even if I would make a different decision in their shoes.

“Incredibly angry 30 years on”
“Completely fucked up their childhoods”

Why such drama?

My dad raised his eyebrows and laughed, and then they explained.

That must have hurt & I bet you felt very foolish.

It sounds as if the marriage wasn't "dead in the water" as far as your dad's ex was concerned yet he seems to being patted on the back for your mum's sake!

I'd be pretty disgusted at the lies for so long too.

Your horse is very high. Be careful not to fall...

It sounds like your dad was a good father to you and your sibling. Divorce isn't always the quickest things to achieve.

If the marriage was over and they were in the process of it all I don't see the issue.

My father had an affair. He left without saying a word. He brought his pregnant new partner to the divorce court. I didn't see him again for 25 years. He is a d*

Ideally they should have, but things often aren't ideal and in the case of two dead marriages including one abusive one, I am not sure it really makes any difference overall. They were obviously both on the way out one way or another and both marriages were ending, the abusive one absolutely needed to. What difference does it make that they consummated their relationship shortly before they made the existing situation official and went through the inevitable process, as opposed to a few weeks later or whatever? They'd still be divorced, married to each other and have you now.

This is quite a dramatic take on the whole thing. I'm hoping your ex cheating is colouring your view temporarily. If so, please do the best you can to not become the person still angry and bitter 30 years on. Life is too precious to waste decades on a man that left.

Is it religion- based?

I am also an affair baby. I found out when I was about 19. I will be honest, it genuinely doesn’t bother me at all. My parents have always been good to me and life is never black and white.

I listen to a podcast called DNA Surprises after realising that my sister was born of an affair (with an unknown man who my mum decided to sleep with). It’s an amazing podcast and many people on it find it easier to know if they were born out of love than just a fling or worse. Also makes a difference whether one or both dads are nice etc. Most people born of an affair are the last to find out and it’s a taboo topic in the family, so I find it heartwarming that your parents love each other and told you about it.

Sorry about the affair your partner had and sorry if you see yourself more like your dad’s ex-wife right now. It’s awful to be cheated on and makes you question everything.

Do you not think that you are defining 'marriage ended ' as being over through death/divorce but your parents are thinking 'marriage ended' as dead in the water. In other words the relationship was rubbish, no point in carrying on but not ended by divorce. The marriage was over.

You need to stop making this about you. Look at it from a different perspective. If your Mum never met your Dad she may have been stuck with her abuser forever. And what kind of life is that! And re your Dad, people don’t leave happy marriages, and he technically saved your Mum and they are happy together, even after all these years, so don’t judge them. Just be grateful they made the right decision for them, you came out of love and that’s the end of it. No further responsibility lies on you. You need to get over it and stop making such a big deal about something that ultimately resulted in your Mums safety and happiness and their joint love and happiness.

Sorry OP but you really need to get over yourself. People have affairs for all kinds of reasons. Who are you to judge?

How is it not her business if she’s a direct representation of the affair? Her parents made it her business.

Of course it’s all long past now, but it’s still very much her business.

Parents are imperfect people as you will certainly learn. You are making way to much out of this. I'm sure the other people involved have long made peace with it.

This is their life shit happens, and it happened before you was born.
Sorry op but tbh its nothing to do with you, what your parents have done in the past.

I assume it was decades ago now, and im sure they have felt crap about it.
But life gose on.

Im an orphan at least you have some family.

Shouldn't you be happy that your parents conceived you in a loving relationship?
You are blowing this out proportion. I also don't really think it's any of your business. Your father was unhappy and your mother in an abusive relationship. They grabbed their chance of happiness. Good on them. Stop being so judgemental and dramatic.

I would hate to be that judgemental towards my parents. Life is never that black and white. They are together still. I am happy for them.

You’re lashing at in the depths of your own pain. It doesn’t have to be fair or rational.

I know of cases where the child born of an affair has paid the price for the sins of the parents, as it were, by being rejected and treated badly by half siblings and extended family. It’s not unusual for children in those circumstances to feel resentment towards their parents for the circumstances of their birth. If that is what happened to you then it’s more nuanced than ‘they’re your parents that love you, it doesn’t matter’.

Your parents are human. Technically they both cheated on their partners.
They were both desperately unhappy and found each other.
You seem to be overthinking this.
You werent there to witness your mums/dad's unhappiness so perhaps be slightly less judgemental?

I think you may need therapy as this is a huge over reaction.