‘Joint’ bank account

Somebody asking on another thread why all family money is not in one pot. This post is the best answer as to not to do that

Well ! I would ! Just go into clear score / experian and put your spouses details in! I would !!!!!! Then get it sent to your email. It will tell you all the debts / late payments etc

Can not add to the good advice already given, but can say you should not feel you are stupid. This kind of thing can happen to anyone under the wrong circumstances. Selfish and manipulative people are good at what they do. They have a lifetime of experience to draw on. It's no reflection on you.

Sounds good!

Try and act as if divorce is the last thing on your mind if you can. He already knows you are unhappy and have changed a password. You don’t want him being even more secretive than usual.

Have conversation with your dad on the phone or in person.

Have you checked the links I posted earlier?

read up, educate yourself - and see a competent family solicitor.

One step at a time….. you can do this!

I forgot to say that if there are piles of paperwork, take photos before you start rifling through so you can make sure it looks the same afterwards. Is there a filing cabinet? Do you have a key? As he's clearly a slippery fucker, it may well all be online accounts, of course.

I’m not saying you do or don’t need a solicitor but it can be tough doing it by yourself. Especially if he hires a divorce solicitor who will be aggressive in going after what they can eg half of your pension. You need to be in a really strong mindset. Will you separate? Stay with your dad if you do? Just pointers here. My mum had a horrific divorce but ended up with the house and no contact with us children for her ex-H. Was a long time ago though.

Start with looking at all post/letters/paperwork. You need a cast iron password on your phone and make sure you're not logged in/backed up to other devices or cloud. Take photos of any documents you can find. Email them to yourself using a new email address you have created only for this purpose. If he got into your phone and read your messages to your dad, then it sounds like he's not just financially controlling. Does he track your phone or car location? You have so much to get your head around. You can take some time to do these things. If your need some space, say you have D & V and feel rubbish. Let him think you've "calmed down" and things have blown over.

You’re not trapped and helpless although I know it feels like this just now.

Take a deep breath.

now start to plan what you need to do. Tray and find all the account numbers of all accounts he has or anything that might count for what he does with his money.

never unlock your phone with your password if there is a chance he is looking over your shoulder.

as a PP said keep all documents at your dads and also notes of what you need to do. Make phone calls concerning all this away from the house in case he is listening. Make sure your phone doesn’t have an app that has a keylogger.

Because we have complete oversight of all of the accounts we have between the two of us. Literally every penny with have as a couple is logged on a spreadsheet. We help each other with managing it, new tax year so we have both gone through best accounts and I found the ISAs to put our money into my partner found an investment firm to look at and we have both set up stock and shares isas with them. Currently I'm not working, so actually a good chunk of money saved from his income is currently in my name as he has £500 cap on interest he can earn before paying tax on interest and I don't.

I have been with my partner for 20 years since we were 18. We have grown into adults together and our lives are totally entwined. He is the other half of me, he is the first person I want to tell when I have had a good day or a bad day and he does the same to me. I can't see myself needing to leave ever. That said, both my mum and sister found themselves in financially abusive relationships and as wonderful as my relationship has been for the last two decades. I value that freedom of knowing should I need to I have access to funds that would give me a train ticket to another town and a hotel for the night

He's not the brightest is he. Trying to take large sums of money out of your account that you'll notice and then telling you he wants to access your phone. No stealth skills there!

Does he have no printed paperwork of statements? Even names and numbers of bank accounts he has- most banks send some setting up paperwork ….pensions usually send paperwork form time to time

do NOT on any account, go into his passwords or online stuff. That’s a crime and looks very bad once you discuss with solicitors, puts them in difficult position.

if you can just find out name and account number/sort codes of all his banks, investments, or pensions etc…get as much as you can. If you can’t get it , it is then down to the declaration . He has to declare everything, if you suspect he isn’t you need solicitor at that point. Definately.

if he is up for doing declaration without kicking and screaming, you need to do togther with evidence- you need to see statements, valuations etc. pension valuations can take a long time annoying to get from pension providers. You/solicitor need to see all evidence of how much.

getting as much info on where his assets are held is half the battle. Do what you can. Legally.

Fair enough …but when I entered my marriage I took vowels of “death do us part ” so escape funding wasn’t on my radar!

we both paid into joint, everything, then we both had a personal “allowance” account in our own names, the amount in there was are “want” money, rather than “need” money (that was in joint) . Worked well for us, till he developed mental illness in last years of 30 year marriage, and became abusive.

if it goes into your own accounts, how do you know one party isn’t being truthful re pay rises, pension contributions, debt etc …seems it is far more likely to allow covering for financial abuse, as is case here

plus in those arrangements, where you can’t see each others income, Almost always then woman pays for much larger portion of kiddies costs cos dh doesn’t “see” the things that kids or she needs. Even if his intent is fairness.

I do recommend a 3 account system (2 personal plus a joint account to live from) to most people as protection, not the personal accounts are a single parties money but because it gives them access to cash should they need. The first thing my ex bil did when my sister threw him out was empty their joint account. It left her without any cash until she got paid. She opened a personal account and got her wage paid into there and moved money into the joint account for bills although he then continued to spaff that money up the wall and the account was significantly overdrawn when they did come to finalise the divorce.

The money in your personal account might be still an marital asset where it is half yours and half theirs but if the other party doesn't have access to spend it you at least come away with half of something rather than potentially half of nothing.

The other thing the personal account can do is give you privacy to start setting up to leave. My sisters husband watched every transaction. She wanted to start a running away plan but was struggling. I bought her a safe to keep at my parents and she moved the important documents and possessions into that safe. She started getting £5-10 cash back with the weekly shop, just enough to not be obvious if he compared amounts to previous shops. This money was an absolute lifeline in the early days of the separation.

@Limehawkmoth has given you some good advice. You need legal advice, but this can get VERY expensive very quickly. Here are some useful resources for your homework:

• Wikivorce
• Divorce for Dummies
• family solicitor websites

You are not fucked. How long were you together before marriage? You don't have to say here, but if it was a long relationship/short marriage, the long relationship will be considered in the division of assets. Does he also have a significant pension pot? Are there any other assets? I'm glad you've booked a solicitor. You will need this to get yourself organised. Planning is everything when dealing with someone like him. In the meantime try and discreetly get evidence of any and all accounts and assets.

Yep, I earnt and had bigger pension. It’s very hard pull to swallow and will take you time to absorb it
Courts will do pension sharing arrangements- depends on type of pensions. You can possible off set here assets against the pension yo bc avoid pension sharing agreements if parties agree.

but yep, it’s very hard on party who appears to have more assets in their name. 😡😢😤It took me 12 weeks or so before I said I wanted to divorce trying to get my head around what it would mean in practice in terms of future life. I had to really visualise my future going into 5 or 10 years to be ready to make the break . Being able to visualise where I’d be living, my social life, etc etc made the difference do it

Remember, and repeat this to yourself as many times as you need, abuse does not begin and end with violence.

Get your ducks in a row and sort things out with a solicitor on the quiet. Until you are financially separated any debt or finances are counted as jointed. I wouldn't be surprised if he started racking up debts whilst you separate. My sister had an abusive husband and he played nastier post separation than he did during the marriage. He took advantage of her being away for the day to throw her out of the house they jointly owned. Thankfully she was able to move into my parents otherwise she would have been homeless with a 3 year old. He then stopped paying all of the bills and credit cards. He started smoking in the house that then made it stink and was harder to sell and made all the nursery furniture pretty impossible to sell as it was now from a smokers home. They pretty much have it away. To finalise the divorce she ended up paying off the debts to stop the process going on for longer.

I know another person going through a difficult divorce. Her ex is racking up so much debt at the moment and delaying the divorce and division of assets so he can continue spending her money and to stop her moving on. She's in a profession where she can't be made bankrupt so he knows that when it comes to it she will pay it off just so she is able to get rid of him.

Do not expect a person that is unreasonable in marriage to become reasonable in divorce!

ADVICE NOW will also tell you when you should use solicitor ( tasks) , when you absolutely shouldn’t ( petition - you do NOT need solicitor the uk gov has worked hard to make it dead easy) and when you might want to use solicitor.
very useful in itself. We just did the “where should use solicitor “ gave them the specific task we wanted them to do

Tell him you are closing the joint account - as its not joint and he obviously prefers to each have own account.