to wonder why women get blamed by other women if they don’t get gifts for their DH’s family?

Hmm. My mother in law was the only person we bought for on my husband’s side. If I was ordering flowers for Mother’s Day I’d do both mums at the same time as it just made sense to. I’d pick up cards as I saw them and they were signed by the whole family. We’d discuss presents and yes, I’d usually end up ordering them. They were from the whole family by then. She’s sadly no longer here, I really didnt mind. All other household jobs fall to the one who’s best at them, I am the chief painter and decorator for example !

Kinkeeping (of which gifting is a part) falls to women 90% of the time. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinkeeping

I suppose other women who have had to take on the role may resent anyone (other than men) opting out.

I do not get involved in my husbands family cards and he doesn’t get involved in mine. If god forbid something happened I’d obviously start sending his mum cards/gifts but not further

She's facilitating her husband to send cards/gifts to his grandchildren for their birthdays.

When really it should be her sons doing this as they are the parents.

Because they know that she could have easily assisted him and chose not to so have upset the grandchildren. If the roles were reversed then I think the expectation would be the same.

It's like on Mother's Day when frankly crappy partners and husbands don't sort out gifts for the mother from the children. I always think the mums are right to get annoyed.

Sometimes for whatever reason it's the obvious nice and kind thing to do when your partner literally can't do it for others or themselves. My grandad always wrote the cards and sent presents from both of them when my grandma got ill. He didn't just stop

Societal conditioning. Hopefully it's changing

Setting better examples with sons and daughters doesn't stop the women being blamed for lack of gifts.

It will do eventually, as all old fashioned things eventually die and get forgotten.

Women have to just stop doing it though and if they don't, that's not 'society's' fault.

If a woman doesn’t get a birthday card or gift for her DH’s family, it somehow becomes her fault. Women will start saying she should have reminded him, sorted something out, got a gift on his behalf, dropped hints, basically managed the whole thing

Anyone who thinks this is wrong so can be ignored.

that's exactly what we are talking about on this thread.
Of course the poster can help her husband, no problem. But she says she does it because the sons expect her to do it and there would be a fall out if she didn't.

This is crazy! Wouldn't you facilitate a child to send a card or gift to a relative? The joy and happiness that can bring can be so worth it even if the recipient wouldn't expect anything and can appreciate that a child couldn't send the gift or card themselves. It's the same idea really. Why shouldn't this poster assist her husband and spread a little joy.

H deals with his adult kids cards, gifts etc and arranges meet ups. I never do this anymore than he would make arrangements to see my adult kids on my behalf.
As for other women judging me? Couldn't care less what some random thinks of me man or woman. If they are judging, talking or looking at me I'm taking up space in their heads and that means nothing in my world.

DH does all his side of the family. Which means they don't really get done. Not my problem, and no-one in his family (or, as far as I know) in the entire world give a shit that I'm not doing it and/or that he is not doing it well / consistently / at all.

I am shit at presents and cards and all that. With friends, they know, and I don't send. I do give them gifts and treat them to stuff, but as and when rather than at birthdays and Christmas. However, my family set a lot of store by Christmas and birthdays and so I make the effort to mark them.

There's only one way to change everyone's expectations of what you will or won't do.

Why wouldn't the sons remind him then?

After all, we're talking about their kids.

When my dad became elderly his short term memory suffered, so he used to ask me to please remind him at least a week before my kids birthdays.

the sons don't know he suffers from memory loss and serious stress? If they do, you would think they could cut him some slack.

Fuck that! I say to my in-laws - in front of my DP during Christmas gift giving "Dave was doing his side of the family again this year..."

I only remind my husband of his grandkids birthdays as he suffers with short term memory loss and serious stress. If I didn't it would cause a fall out with his sons and hurt the kids

Every time this subject is discussed on Mumsnet, you'll get people coming on to 'blame society'.

Yes, society can be blamed for the way things were in the past, but only one person can make the change and that's the woman doing all this work 'because society'.

Take some personal responsibility and stop doing it.

Set a better example for your sons and daughters going forward.

We are not helpless and society is not the boss.

I buy most of the family cards . But I now refuse to buy ones for the people who don't bother buying ones for us now so they go without lol

can't claim credit for the term but I do like it as well. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinkeeping

I used to do all the reminding for my ex 😀 I still have all her friends and family birthdays in my Google calendar 😂

Wow, I’ve never heard of ‘kinkeeping’ before. What a great word.