to wonder why women get blamed by other women if they don’t get gifts for their DH’s family?

It's utterly ridiculous and frustrating, and I say that as someone with a fairly switched on DH!

Case in point, it was his mother's birthday last month, it was a milestone birthday, I'd said to him after Christmas to think about getting things organised for his mum, to get him and his brother to figure out a plan between them on what to do.

Time marches on, I mention it again mid January, he replies yes, yes, I'm getting presents sorted etc, I'll do it. Ok then. I say again, it's a milestone birthday so you'll need to sort something like a meal out, arrange that, he says yes, yes, I'll sort out.

Gets to the Feb break, we are away for a few days with his mum and my dad, I mention to her casually when it's just her and I if she is looking forward to her birthday and what she'd like to do? She absolutely hammers into me, what do you mean, I thought you were arranging it?!!! I say, uhm, no it's up to your son's (DH and his brother). She then goes quiet and I think, oh FFS.

So I reiterate AGAIN to DH when we are alone, you really need to get your shit together, your mum's expecting a big thing, you've not even bought presents yet FFS, you need to book a restaurant, invite wider family, friends she wants etc, you need to do it now. DH panics and goes, oh she wants something?! YES!!!!!

He then messages his brother who predictably has also given it zero thought (his brother being single and living with his mum btw, so it's not like he doesn't have spare time or inclination).

With my help, they get a restaurant booked, they invite all the main friends/extended family and everything is sorted and MIL is happy, gets a nice meal out, lovely presents and is delighted. DH is apologetic to me and I think, well if I hadn't said anything, what would you have done? It's basic. It's so fucking basic. And he is, generally, a good man and agrees and is understanding of all the bullshit to do with patriarchy and social expectations of women. Yet he still dropped the ball. I honestly despair.

No its not a privilege to be the dogsbody maintaining someone else’s family relationships. Its their responsibility.

Dressing it up and pretending it brings “power” doesn’t change that. I never wanted to procure “power” to manipulate those family relationships by dogsbodying - that sounds remarkably unhealthy as a family dynamic.

Completely agree. I frequently see women judging other women if birthdays have been forgotten. Example- my brother forgot my birthday. My mother commented to me that my brothers wife should have reminded him!!! You can imagine my response to that 🙄

I remember being taken to task by ex mil
because her son forgot to send her a birthday card. Now DH looks after all this for his family, rightly so.

Never experienced this!

Many years ago I was very busy at work when a woman I was friendly with phoned me in a state . She was unwell and unable to go out to buy a birthday gift for her MIL . Could I go out at lunchtime and buy a gift , card and wrapping paper .
I asked why her DH couldn’t do it and she was shocked at the suggestion . Apparently he liked to relax during his lunch break !
I refused .

I’m genuinely interested to know - those of you who have decided not to buy for PILs etc and know your husbands are rubbish at remembering - do you get presents FROM your PILs? As in, do they buy you a birthday gift even though you know they aren’t receiving one from you and DH? If you do, don’t you feel a bit embarrassed??

I never quite understand the arguments about this on here.
DH mows the lawns. I can't actually do it - the lawns are large, sloped and bumpy and the petrol mower very heavy. He fixes the cars - something else I can't do. He sorts the bins - could do that one be would rather not ! I could go on. Are those gendered jobs? Yes probably but for good reasons. He does the jobs he does best and I do others like cards and presents. Do I feel hard done to? Not at all.
I also iron his shirts and cook his meals.😲 That's because I work part time. Again there is a reason the jobs are split the way they are.

Coming at it from the other side… I have a sil who has clearly signed up to the MN Rule Book, ie she does not have any involvement, admin or otherwise, with bil’s side of the family. So, ok, bil is to blame, but it is a bit sad that the dcs have never received birthday presents/cards from them - when I know sil is big on things for her side. It just seems rather cold for the sake of a principle.

I don't get 'blamed' but historically, I think there was an expectation that I would do all my H family birthdays & Christmas etc. from his side of the family, anyway I stopped doing it about 8 years ago and told him it's his family, his responsibility....he then goes and gets a card for his mums' birthday; one that me and the kids would all sign, with 'Happy Birthday Mum' on it......I refused to sign it as she's not my mum and she's the kids GM ffs! He'd left it late of course, so had to go off scrabbling around Tesco at 9pm to get another one.
It's on him if he forgets or is late - not my problem.

Oh come on.

You don't even have to leave the house to order a gift or send a card.

People are quite capable of doing it before retirement.

No it wasn't. I clearly stated that being the emotional epicentre occurs even when all practical work and childcare etc is split equitably.

It's a role which comes with some responsibility of course but also a lot of power and control in a family unit. In many ways it's a privilege and so important. It's absolutely not the same as being a dogs body and or a domestic/childcare drudge.

Because sometimes it's easier for the spouse to step in than an adult child? Especially if the spouse is retired so has lots more time, lives with the ill person and best placed to assist. It's a kind thing to do and shouldn't be gendered. My grandad did it for my grandma.

I agree that the thread is meant to be about a more general expectation on women which is different to these more exceptional cases where compassion and kindness are important as someone isn't capable of doing something themselves.

You can't control who blames you for whatever stupid, unreasonable thing they've decided is your fault.

All women can control their reaction to it, though (and whether they do the stupid thing at all).

I just don't see why I'd place any importance on what someone like that thought of me? I couldn't take them seriously at all.

I said to my DH when I backed off from it all - when we got married what admin did you unconsciously agree to take on that's purely related to my family? None, because men aren't expected to.

I genuinely don't understand how taking on admin unconsciously is even possible. Surely it was a conscious choice the first time you went out of your way to do something you hadn't done before. Not taking it on can be unconscious, as it was for me - it simply never crossed my mind to take on DP's family admin. Just why.

Because your post was a long winded justification of women picking up jobs men can easily do for themselves just because “women”.

No amount of find words or prettying up will make buying your DH’s family cards and gifts anything other than doing his family maintenance for him.

Me and DP both like buying presents for people. Since we got together I've tend be more involved in his mum and sisters gifts as I know what they are into and he's more involved in my brother's gifts as he gets what there into. I'd say it's pretty equally divided

DH and I started going out when I was 19. About a year later MIL tried to give me a list of all the birthdays in their family on the assumption that I would start sending cards and gifts. I was gobsmacked that she thought a 20 year old would send a card to her boyfriend's aunt Mary - why on earth would I ever do that? She did me a favour though because it gave me an opportunity to state very clearly to (future) DH that I would buy as many presents for his family as he bought for mine - i.e. zero. He likes buying presents and actually does most of the present buying for our kids so he wasn't bothered.

I actually stopped buying for husband’s side a few years ago. (Not our nieces and nephews though) my cards and gifts were always done the day before or no thought. I decided that I shouldn’t be the only one suffering his lax attitude. He has actually got a bit better since. Although his mum got her card 3 days late this year.

It is definitely down to misogyny. My MIL is the worst for it. Always frames things on what I “should” do. I always respond that her son could if he wanted to.

I definitely see this OP. I had to have a chat with my MiL a few years ago to explain that I was stepping back from buying gifts for them from DH - his family had grown a lot with babies and partners etc, plus aside from all the mental load of remembering dates and coming up with ideas I was also funding all of it. I'd reached breaking point with it all and needed to stop. She accepted, but was openly a bit confused so I had to really emphasise that this was not a reflection in any way of any ill feelings from me towards them. Consequently since I stopped doing it all my husband forgets both of his siblings and his dad every year, he only remembers his mum's as it's on Boxing Day. And while I feel very uncomfortable with that (and do still give him one verbal reminder a month or so beforehand) I've also learnt that it's not my responsibility to force him to prioritise or initiate.

I said to my DH when I backed off from it all - when we got married what admin did you unconsciously agree to take on that's purely related to my family? None, because men aren't expected to.

Because it the fault of other women?
What? The analogy was the sometimes there is an obvious best person to assist someone that can't do something for themselves. In the case of mothers day the obvious person to assist the children sending a gift to their mum would be the dad in most cases. If a married partner becomes too ill to sort out a gift for their grandchildren then their spouse is often the one that's best placed to help from a practical perspective. They can facilitate the writing of the card with them because they live with them and guide them in choosing a gift.

Sometimes for whatever reason it's the obvious nice and kind thing to do when your partner literally can't do it for others or themselves
Because the gift is for yourself I.e. a child's gift for your birthday or mother's day or you are too sick or disabled.

Can't the men be nice and kind? Are they allergic?
Again what are you on about? Obviously they can and should do the nice and kind thing. That's my point. We mustn't lose that just because gift giving is gendered and there are undoubtedly unreasonable expectations placed on women. That doesn't mean that poster was wrong to help her ill husband.

I don't think anyone should be expecting women to sort this be this their husbands or others although this isn't something I have come across. My Ex H had been buying gifts for his family before he met me and continued to do so once we were together. However, my MIL and BIL would buy me gifts so I might remind him and sometimes get involved in gifts which by then were from both of us. I didn't take on responsibility as such. Once we were separated, I continued to buy gifts for BIL and his partner as they did the same for me (MIL had passed away by then). We now just send cards (it's been a few years).