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AIBU?

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Original poster

to wonder why women get blamed by other women if they don’t get gifts for their DH’s family?

169 replies

saynooo · 21/04/2026 12:10

I see this a lot.

If a woman doesn’t get a birthday card or gift for her DH’s family, it somehow becomes her fault. Women will start saying she should have reminded him, sorted something out, got a gift on his behalf, dropped hints, basically managed the whole thing.

Why though?

They are his family. If he hasn’t bothered, how does that land on her?

You just know someone will come on and say well I would have just sent a card because I wouldn’t want Granny Mabel or MIL getting upset. Or the ones who say I wouldn’t do it myself but I would remind him a million times.

Then there are the ones who say they love doing it because he is so busy.

But that is still the same thing, just dressed up differently. You are still managing it for him. You are still the one carrying the mental load so he does not have to think about it.

All that does is keep the whole cycle going. He forgets, she prompts, and then everyone acts like he has done his bit.

OP posts:
Swissmeringue · 21/04/2026 16:32

I nipped this shit in the bud as soon as we got married. DH is 100% responsible for gifts for his family, it his mum doesn't get flowers on mother's day that's on him, not me. We have a shared spreadsheet for Christmas but other than that he sorts his family and I sort mine.

Pinkflowers19 · 21/04/2026 16:32

I don't understand if a gift isn't sorted then blame isn't split equally. Assuming the in laws also buy a personal gift for dil birthday and Christmas then why shouldn't dil participate in returning the thought if she accepted a gift for her birthday. Should be a shared thought/task imo.

If someone bought be a gift I would want to recipicrate regardless of who's family or friends they were.

Just to add both dhs parents sadly passed away before we met and did is still only young so I'm not talking from personal experiences.

ohyesohyesoh · 21/04/2026 16:31

I’ve never done this for my partner. I may suggest things that might be appropriate but I won’t go and buy them ( or cards). Partners family is small, mine is bloody huge.it annoys me when SIL sorts out a present to MIL and just gets DH to pay towards it. Makes him lazy

Motheranddaughter · 21/04/2026 16:26

I never get involved in presents for my DH’s family and if anyone is annoyed about it that information has not reached me
Not that I would care !

YummyPieCrust · 21/04/2026 16:26

JHound · 21/04/2026 16:09

Yes. It’s asking why women blame other women for men not performing emotional labour for their families. You can knock the chip off your shoulder. It’s not a thread criticising men but rather women’s behaviour.

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Take your own advice, buttercup. I don't need you for reading comprehension but thanks for the volunteer work. Now move along.

MaturingCheeseball · 21/04/2026 16:25

I think mil would have been most peeved to have received a card written by me. I don’t think I ever bought her a present, either…. Oh yes, I did. She mentioned a book she’d loved as a child, so I tracked it down - right edition and all. But on Christmas Day she said in a stage whisper to fil, “Why has MaturingCheeseball got me a book from a charity shop ?” ☹️

If your in-laws are nice would posters on here still refuse to lend a hand with presents/cards? I suspect that those who do have decent kind relatives-in-law are not on here!

Original poster
saynooo · 21/04/2026 16:22

Shmee1988 · 21/04/2026 16:17

I do tend to be the one to do it, but I see them as my family too.

Funny how many men do not seem to think this way and take over the card and gift giving.....

OP posts:
InterIgnis · 21/04/2026 16:21

I have zero interest in being the ‘emotional epicenter’’ and taking on emotional labor, by virtue of being a woman. I’m not naturally inclined to it anyway, so it’s just not like I’m going against my nature by refusing to do something I’d otherwise do.

I do think some women get pissed off at other women not performing womanhood in the way they deem correct. If they do it and like it then other women should to. If they do it despite not liking it, then other women should suck it up, stop shirking their duty, and do it too.

Luckyingame · 21/04/2026 16:18

G5000 · 21/04/2026 12:23

Patriarchy. Misogyny. Because women are supposed to take over all that kind of kin-keeping activities and make sure their husband is not bothered by such trivial stuff. Trivial, but very clearly expected and she (not he) will be judged as a lacking wife, if she doesn't perform her wifework well enough.

I would never judge another woman myself, but I do not believe claims that this is not a thing and people have not encountered such expectations. When we got married, MIL gave me a calendar with all their massive extended family's birthdays and other events. I handed it to DH, but the expectation was definitely there.

I'd probably stare at the calendar, not knowing wtf is going on 😁

Shmee1988 · 21/04/2026 16:17

I do tend to be the one to do it, but I see them as my family too.

MovingBird123 · 21/04/2026 16:16

Denim4ever · 21/04/2026 16:14

With family birthdays I don't think it's a his and hers thing. You both need to remember and if it's forgotten you've both forgotten to give a family member a card/gift/text

I like this attitude, perhaps I should try to move towards this...

Luckyingame · 21/04/2026 16:15

audhdandme · 21/04/2026 12:19

Same here. I have always let my Dh deal with it himself and he always does

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This.
Like hell would I sort out cards for his family. It was never suggested, neither was it expected.
Boundaries.

Denim4ever · 21/04/2026 16:14

With family birthdays I don't think it's a his and hers thing. You both need to remember and if it's forgotten you've both forgotten to give a family member a card/gift/text

MovingBird123 · 21/04/2026 16:12

Oh dear, I must be really hated then. Dh doesn't even know when his parents' birthdays are, but when a sibling warns him one is coming up, it's wholly on him. I'd never even considered that it was my responsibility! Why on Earth would it be? I can't understand why I'd be better placed. And it's so surprising to me that he doesn't know the exact date of their birthdays that I sort of assume they have a weird birthday culture in their family. It does cause me some embarrassment that he doesn't know, but that's on him, not me.

JHound · 21/04/2026 16:11

MaturingCheeseball · 21/04/2026 15:00

I do think some people’s aim is to make their partners into flatmates, rather than, you know partners . All this “Who knows and who cares when mil’s birthday is?” is unfriendly at best and verging on hostile at worst.

fwiw dh does all the present buying and wrapping, and I do (or did - really cut back now) cards. So I got the better half of the bargain!

You have strange relationships if you think not knowing your partner parents birthday makes you flatmates.

JHound · 21/04/2026 16:09

YummyPieCrust · 21/04/2026 14:33

Except goes on to ask why men aren't blamed.

Clue: read passed the title. Did you get this far on this response? lol

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Yes. It’s asking why women blame other women for men not performing emotional labour for their families. You can knock the chip off your shoulder. It’s not a thread criticising men but rather women’s behaviour.

Hadalifeonce · 21/04/2026 16:06

I stopped doing it several years ago, but still reminded DH, last year I didn't remind him, when SiL asked if we had sent her DD something for her birthday, I asked DH in front of SiL, if he sent something for DN birthday, he hadn't, but sent a transfer there and then, and an apology to his Dsis.

JHound · 21/04/2026 16:05

MaturingCheeseball · 21/04/2026 14:01

Coming at it from the other side… I have a sil who has clearly signed up to the MN Rule Book, ie she does not have any involvement, admin or otherwise, with bil’s side of the family. So, ok, bil is to blame, but it is a bit sad that the dcs have never received birthday presents/cards from them - when I know sil is big on things for her side. It just seems rather cold for the sake of a principle.

Blame BIL.

JHound · 21/04/2026 16:01

Itchthescratch · 21/04/2026 13:12

Because it the fault of other women?
What? The analogy was the sometimes there is an obvious best person to assist someone that can't do something for themselves. In the case of mothers day the obvious person to assist the children sending a gift to their mum would be the dad in most cases. If a married partner becomes too ill to sort out a gift for their grandchildren then their spouse is often the one that's best placed to help from a practical perspective. They can facilitate the writing of the card with them because they live with them and guide them in choosing a gift.

Sometimes for whatever reason it's the obvious nice and kind thing to do when your partner literally can't do it for others or themselves
Because the gift is for yourself I.e. a child's gift for your birthday or mother's day or you are too sick or disabled.

Can't the men be nice and kind? Are they allergic?
Again what are you on about? Obviously they can and should do the nice and kind thing. That's my point. We mustn't lose that just because gift giving is gendered and there are undoubtedly unreasonable expectations placed on women. That doesn't mean that poster was wrong to help her ill husband.

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The sons are adults. Your analogy does not work.

Bloodorangekangaroo · 21/04/2026 16:00

My ex mother in law. I still don’t send her a thing. He was always responsible for gifts and cards. She thinks due to separation I should be doing this now. Nope dad can collect his children and sort his mother out himself. She rarely received a thing. He didn’t do anything for my family not that I expected him to. Why do I become responsible for his family?

asdbaybeeee · 21/04/2026 16:00

Because once upon a time men worked hard in their important jobs while women had babies and tended to the home. But women wanted to work too and
fought hard for equality and independence. Men accepted women in the workplace (obviously with some misogyny, sexual harassment and sexism mixed in) but rejected the idea that men should pick up any of the wifey jobs

JHound · 21/04/2026 15:59

Itchthescratch · 21/04/2026 13:03

Because they know that she could have easily assisted him and chose not to so have upset the grandchildren. If the roles were reversed then I think the expectation would be the same.

It's like on Mother's Day when frankly crappy partners and husbands don't sort out gifts for the mother from the children. I always think the mums are right to get annoyed.

Sometimes for whatever reason it's the obvious nice and kind thing to do when your partner literally can't do it for others or themselves. My grandad always wrote the cards and sent presents from both of them when my grandma got ill. He didn't just stop

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So why would they be angry at her and not themselves? Her sons can also remind their father can they not?

Why be angry at somebody for doing exactly what you yourself are not doing?

hellospring26 · 21/04/2026 15:59

My now ex mil brings cards for exh to sign, addressed and with a stamp, then takes them away to post. Fucking ridiculous imo.

JHound · 21/04/2026 15:55

Itchthescratch · 21/04/2026 12:24

I'm torn.

On the one hand, of course you're not responsible for sending your partner's relatives gifts or cards. That's crazy! They are his family.

I would say though that women tend to be the emotional epicentre of family units and I'm not sure that's bad thing. Realistically if you're child had a problem, who would they come to first? I was talking about this with my friends and almost all of us agreed it would be the mother even when there is a super equitable split of domestic tasks and childcare. It's complicated but not necessarily all bad. There is a lot of impact and influence in that role too. I wouldn't encourage women to drop it in favour of behaving like men so they can drop the associated responsibilities.

Me choosing not to do my partner’s emotional labour is not me “behaving like a man”.

JHound · 21/04/2026 15:53

I will say - I mainly come across this attitude from older women say my mom’s age (in her sixties). She absolutely blamed one of my SILs when my brother neglected to get her a birthday card. But then her husband doesn’t know how to use the washing machine so they have a fairly traditional set-up.