to wonder why women get blamed by other women if they don’t get gifts for their DH’s family?

They are his family. If he hasn’t bothered, how does that land on her?

You're absolutely right, it's just the the society believes that once the woman is married her parter's family becomes her family as well so she needs to step up there as well. Somehow that doesn't apply to men and no one really expects them to step up and help with wife's family matters. This is wrong on so many levels but many people really do have this mentality and would look at you funny if you ever mention how unfair these expectations (or lack of them) are.

I'd say pick your battles. Fully grown adults don't need personal managers to remind them of things that are important to them and that's what I stick to. I don't take care of gifts for DH's family, I can throw a quick smartshow 3d birthday video together at most if it's a big birthday but the main gifts are always on him and the gifts for my family are always on me. It's only logical imo as we know our relatives' likes and dislikes better anyway.

and this is a lot wider topic, but I have always thought that the 'blue jobs' and 'pink jobs' are a total con. So you both have your roles, he does the bins and you do..everything else? Oh no wait, he also put a shelf up 5 years ago and once a year may take car for servicing? While you do 1000 things all day every single day?

Nope, not my problem. DH has always sorted his side of the family, or forgotten at times. My Mil assumed I would do it all but soon realised I didn't have that attitude.

The nearest I might get is if I'm doing an online card order. If DH is nearby I might ask if he wants to add any to the list.

This is crazy! Wouldn't you facilitate a child to send a card or gift to a relative?

My husband is not my child. But he is also responsible for organising his family's contacts with our children, and I do my side.

Luckily we don't give gifts to anyone so that's a massive problem solved! Only dh's gc and he is responsible for those.

I also feel impatient with women who complain about this supposed societal pressure to do ridiculous things like this, yet do it anyway. Resisting societal pressure isn't something anyone's going to do for you. At some point you have to stop being a wet lettuce and do the resisting yourself.

This. So many times, this. Women are their own worst enemy with this. It drives me bonkers.

Isn't there a point at which the relationship with in-laws is your own, independent of your spouse to some extent? If they are decent people who are good to you, why wouldn't you want to buy them a birthday present, as you might do for a good colleague at work or a friend? I think doing this or not, might hinge on the relationship. Agree it's not the woman's default job and any man who doesn't acknowledge his nice mum and dad's birthday is a shit human.

I have never come across this. During the early years of our relationship I used to buy cards and presents for DHs family. One year my mum asked me why I was buying for his family and it suddenly occurred to me, why the hell was I? So I told DH to buy his own stuff for his family and he has ever since (he will still say occasionally have you brought something for my mum/sister but I just give him the look).
If anyone did say anything I'd ask why they didn't marry an adult. Is it older women who say this?; The ones who were raised with the idea that men just went to work and didn't do anything at home?

Does that work the other way round though? How many men do you know who solely organise cards and gifts for their wife’s relatives just because they get gifts from them?

Zero for me.

I’ve come across women doing it for their husbands, but not come across other women reacting that way to women who don’t.

I let my MIL and his three sisters know that I always wish them well on their birthdays/events etc, but I wouldn’t be helping their son/brother in cards or gift giving, and if they weren’t receiving anything then to take it up with him. They said fair enough!

Do you really think that because mums would facilitate/help their children to send a card or gift to a relative, they should also do the same for their husbands/partners?

That is just infantalising and cosseting an adult male who has the same capacity and capability to remember his own family's birthdays and other special occasions but expects to be babied and supported to do these simple tasks by his female relations, normally wives and partners.

YANBU. I have historically always bought all our in laws Xmas/bday presents -his parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. I’ve been too busy in the last couple of years to remember for the adults and he hasn’t picked up the slack. Slowly I’ve found any cards or gifts for me have dried up in response. His keep on coming though.

I had to buy my waste of space XH's presents for his family, and pay for them (including for myself), and wrap them, and send them.

I now have the most wonderful husband who used to stress hugely when it came to buying presents and hence used to leave it to the last minute or just put it off completely. It's not that he didn't want to do it, he was worried about getting it wrong. So I started reminding him quite a long time beforehand and suggesting that he asks what people want etc. and he now does it nearly all himself. I usually wrap things because I like doing it, he is rubbish at it and he is really appreciative. And I occasionally have to remind him actually to send something so it arrives on time, but that is mainly because the post is taking so much longer nowadays. He sent his grandson's birthday card first class on Tuesday, for example, and it hadn't arrived by his birthday on Saturday.

So although I used to help my DH with his family's presents a little, I now have very little input. I think there is a big difference between helping somebody to do something themselves, and doing the thing for them.

100% identify with this. I do this for him because I feel it smoothes things socially for the whole family and u guess id feel embarrassed by association

This is it. It depends on circumstances and who has more time to think about that sort of thing.

But other people won't know your personal circumstances, who works more or what one does for the other. For general society, kinkeeping is still wifework and women are blamed and judged if birthdays are forgotten, restraurants not booked, gifts not sent to husband's relatives.
Just look at the examples on this thread. It would never occur to me to complain that BIL didn't send my children presents and DH would not feel responsible for reminding I need to book something for my mother's birthday. And nobody would expect them to either.

Yep!!! Exactly!!! I told him how ridiculous it was that I'd been "reminding" him since bloody Christmas and he left it to the last minute, which may never have happened had I not kept on at him.

Edited to add: he would have got her all the presents, but the restaurant with wider family and friends would have been either vastly scaled back or much less than what she was expecting as that would have been left to a week before (when availability for 22 people would have not been as readily bookable) rather than just less than a month before so he was able to secure a nice place.

This is it. It depends on circumstances and who has more time to think about that sort of thing. I always bought cards and gifts for my late DH's family and I didn't mind because I loved them. But then he did things for me that I couldn't or didn't want to do. We've all got weaknesses and hopefully we find a partner who helps us with ours.

Never had this. His family are his business and mine are my business.

You're not wrong. But my dp works 6 days a week and on the 1 day he has offered he has the dc all day. I work 3 days a week and have much more spare time to get these things organised. Its just the way we do things.

I sat through an excruciating Christmas once when my in-laws flew over from abroad to be with us. I had actually prompted DH a few days before “hey, do you think theyre going to want to exchange presents?” but aside from that left it with him.

he did nothing, not even say to his parents “lets not do presents this year” which would have been the easiest way out but heyho.

christmas day came and they grandly gifted us something and heaps of stuff for our DC, which we duly opened. dh still said nothing. then, when it was our turn to give them our non-existent present, there was the awkwardest of silences before DH blurted out “well we didn’t get anything for you, but it was my fault not muggart’s!”

alls well that ends well though because now nobody does gifts or cards and it’s much easier this way.

If it's that easy and so effortless then what is this thread about?

This thread is about women refusing to break the cycle.

Refusing to tell their partners that this is not their remit, and quite frankly setting a poor example to their sons and daughters.

Granted this is often the way things are, but they aren't always

Except that nobody has ever asked a man why he didn't remind his wife it's her mother's birthday,.and why didn't he buy a gift and card for his MIL and sign for both of them...