AIBU to refuse a friend £4k without knowing what it is for?

Completely agree that’s why I said I wouldn’t be learning to them! The point of the never lend what you can’t afford to lose is that it’s highly you won’t get it back!

He is asking you to give him money (he isn't borrowing as you will never see it again) and he won't tell you what for... I mean do you really need to ask what you should do? It sounds dodgy. Say no, it'll be 8k next time... then the time after...

If they have money problems point them in the direction of citizens advise who can suggest debt management organisations etc that aren't dodgy loan sharks.

I wouldn’t do it, probably even if I did know what it was for, tbh. That’s not how friendship works, imo. Exceptions might be to help with funeral costs or something of that nature.

I wouldn't.
If you have to ask fruends for finsncial help you have to swallow your pride and say why.

What if he's a gambling addict for example and is going round all his friends?

Also, whats his plan for paying you back? How much a month? Starting when? Would he sign an agreement so you could pursue payments etc?

Even if someone can afford to lose £4K though, most people don't want to lose it to someone who is grabby and feckless. As I said, I'd give it to my DC in a heartbeat (and not expect/want it back,) but I would not be giving it away to someone the OP is describing, especially taking into account his behaviour.

Well exactly. Should anyone even be having a 'wedding' at all if they can't afford the deposit for the wedding dress?! And I'm guessing it was a fairly expensive dress as the deposit was £200!

It's a definite No.

With a signposting to charities that can help.
In times and situations like these a third-party expert is the solution. He can then share his situation and find solutions that are most suitable

Actually, it was Shakespeare.

You aren’t being unreasonable or reasonable. I have done similar for friends and family before, only when I can afford it and with the assumption (not said) that I won’t see it again. When it’s paid back, and it always has been, it’s a bonus.

If somebody really is struggling and desperate, that’s a horrible place to be and almost certainly really humiliating to be asking. If you can it’s a good deed, with no strings attached and you accept it may not get repaid.

Nope. Never lend any money you cannot afford to lose, and from what you say you cannot afford to lose it. If he persists he is not your friend.

That's what credit cards are for. It would have also given her protection in case her dressmaker went bust or made a hash of making the dress.

If she can't get a credit card and can't find £200 until she gets paid then why is she spending so much on a dress where £200 only covers a deposit?

I would just say you don't have £4K to spare, that's an easy way to put it to bed.

Ridiculous.

I’d ignore the follow up message. He’s really overstepped by sending that.

It may cost you the friendship - but remember actual friends don’t behave like this.

Never lend what you can’t afford to lose! There will be a very good reason that the banks won’t lend to him so I wouldn’t either

Yanbu

I wouldnt give it even if I did know what it was for. Even if i had 20x the amount sitting there ready and waiting.

Unless you dont value the friendship and are willing to lose it or have it changed irrevocably forever. You'll always be the lender; the power and friend dynamic will shift.

He asked you to borrow it? He wants you to get into debt to lend him money? That’s a no!

Nay, nay and thrice nay.

He’s using you because you are a nice person.

He is not a nice person.

No way!!

I wouldn’t even give it to my own family without knowing the reason.

The fact that he won’t tell you is immediately dodgy and you don’t want to get caught up in anything you can’t get out of.

He’s said it’s for the children to try and make you feel guilty.
When that doesn’t work he’ll try and say he’s going to get kicked out or something.

Do not believe him and do not lend him the money.
If he knows how to manipulate you (which sounds like he does) then at the very least, ask to see the bill and pay it yourself directly to the landlord or whatever the excuse is.

It doesn’t sound great that you had already said no to him and he still messaged you again and put pressure on you to do something you obviously didn’t want to.

If something is that desperate that he would not be a great friend to pressure you, surely it is desperate enough that he would say what it’s for.

My assumption is that it’s clearly something you wouldn’t like or approve of or he knows he shouldn’t be doing.

Either way, if he doesn’t respect your boundaries in saying no, why would he respect your boundaries in paying back? Why would he not keep asking if you lend to him once?

I would steer well clear.

Absolutely not, there's no way I'd lend that amount of money to anyone, especially for an unspecified purpose! It sounds like he's got into something dodgy and doesn't want his family to find out.

Even if you have the money and won't miss it, don't lend it. You won't get it back and that money is needed for your future security.

He won't be the first man eyeing up a woman's savings and using his kids a lever to get it.

OP, just say no. If you lend him anything, you will never see it paid back. Just tell him that you do not have that amount of money and if you did, you do not lend to people.

If he ends the friendship, so be it, he isn't a good friend to put you in that position.

I wouldn't borrow it even if I knew what it was for.