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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse a friend £4k without knowing what it is for?

318 replies

rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 10:36

My friend asked me to borrow a large sum of money. (£4k).

He wouldn't say what it is for, but claimed he can't get help anywhere else (such as banks/loans etc...) which is obviously already a red flag.

I asked if everything was ok in his life and what was going on... but he didn't want to divulge too much and was just said he had 'cashflow issues'. I know his two children and he alluded to it being something related to them - but not much more...?!

I declined to give him anything/said no - but he's messaged again today AM asking me to reconsider. He clearly sounds desperate, but AIBU in still saying no?

OP posts:
nomas · 21/04/2026 14:06

rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 13:58

No. I don't live a flashy lifestyle at all. I'm not even on ANY social media. Even my LinkedIn is in 'incognito mode' and was only last turned on when I was job hunting...! It's likely because I live in London and have no children, so I think he thinks I have more disposable income. I have a good job in tech - so maybe because of all this AI hype, he's thinking I'm on the same salary as my CEO - which I'm obviously not! Far from it!

To be frank, I think it is largely because I don't have children, school fees etc... to pay for.

Edited
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School fees...so his kids go to private school?

Well, why wouldn't a child free woman want to fund that luxury for a friend?!

Original poster
rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 14:03

rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 14:01

I've known him about 18 years. We used to see each other a lot since we lived 15 mins from each other. But he moved out of London 12 years ago (to the countryside), so we rarely see each other now. Last time I saw him was in Summer 2024 at a mutual friend's wedding. So it's not like it's someone I see once a month or something.

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@Holtome Pressed 'post' too quickly! To answer your question - yes, definitely out of the blue.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 14:01

Holtome · 21/04/2026 13:30

Is this really completely out of the blue? How long have you known him and how often does he ask for money?

He does seem desperate, which isn't your problem to solve, but I would be worried for him.

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I've known him about 18 years. We used to see each other a lot since we lived 15 mins from each other. But he moved out of London 12 years ago (to the countryside), so we rarely see each other now. Last time I saw him was in Summer 2024 at a mutual friend's wedding. So it's not like it's someone I see once a month or something.

OP posts:
Error404FucksNotFound · 21/04/2026 14:00

I think you need to be firm. Tell him to stop asking, you are not able to give him money and you are feeling harassed now.

Crucible · 21/04/2026 14:00

Dear God OP I'm so sorry to hear this. Assuming your income, and then assuming that makes it his.....eurgh.

Original poster
rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 13:58

CautiousLurker2 · 21/04/2026 13:37

Interested to know why he thinks you have the money? Have you been too relaxed and open about your finances (in which case, lesson learned - never mention you have any money or savings to anyone again)? Can you not just say you tied it all up in a high interest account with 90 days notice to remove the temptation to spend it as you need it for a new boiler/car/roof repair next year?

I think you need to reply once that no, you cannot lend him the money and if he calls or messages it again you will consider it harassment and report him.

Sadly I don’t think your friendship can survive this now, and it likely wouldn’t have once he failed to pay you back anyway. So sorry if this was a friendship you valued

Show quote history

No. I don't live a flashy lifestyle at all. I'm not even on ANY social media. Even my LinkedIn is in 'incognito mode' and was only last turned on when I was job hunting...! It's likely because I live in London and have no children, so I think he thinks I have more disposable income. I have a good job in tech - so maybe because of all this AI hype, he's thinking I'm on the same salary as my CEO - which I'm obviously not! Far from it!

To be frank, I think it is largely because I don't have children, school fees etc... to pay for.

OP posts:
Angrybird76 · 21/04/2026 13:56

I wouldn't lend a friend £4000 full stop,whether they told me what it was for or not. I once lent a friend £70 at a time when I had very little money and I never got it back. It was very stressful and caused issues with my friendship group. To me the reason doesn't matter, because who is to judge whether it is important or not. Are you happy to lend the money to this person? If yes, do. If not, don't. The reason is neither here nor there.

Chocolatecoffeecup · 21/04/2026 13:50

Having read the updates I now think it's just a hard no. I actually think it's quite worrying that he is effectively demanding money from you without a reason and he's now bombarding you with calls even though you've said no. Keep ignoring his calls.

hattie43 · 21/04/2026 13:50

Never lend friends money unless you don’t expect it back . I learnt my lesson years ago by lending a lifelong friend a couple of thousand to get a qualification and never saw it back . I was naive thinking a friendship meant being honourable

StrictlyCoffee · 21/04/2026 13:47

“It’s a no. It’ll always be a no. Don’t ask me again”.

BoogieVoogieAllNightLong · 21/04/2026 13:44

My late MIL used to say if you want to get rid of someone, lend them money, and she was right.

themonkeysnuts · 21/04/2026 13:40

No No No
you will lose 4k and a ‘friend’

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 21/04/2026 13:40

Definitely no. Never a lender or borrower be!

Whyherewego · 21/04/2026 13:38

Do stick to your guns. Because even if he told you what it was for, I don't know that ypu should lend him the money.
I lent a good friend a large sum of money in several chunks. She's never paid it back. She's paid bits back but there's a lot owing. I don't think I'll ever see it again. She's terrible with money and often needs to borrow money to see her to pay day; but now I decline every time she asks

CautiousLurker2 · 21/04/2026 13:37

rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 13:19

Many thanks for all your responses. He has continued to call this AM - which I didn't answer. I said 'no' again. He called again after that. I ignored it.

Interested to know why he thinks you have the money? Have you been too relaxed and open about your finances (in which case, lesson learned - never mention you have any money or savings to anyone again)? Can you not just say you tied it all up in a high interest account with 90 days notice to remove the temptation to spend it as you need it for a new boiler/car/roof repair next year?

I think you need to reply once that no, you cannot lend him the money and if he calls or messages it again you will consider it harassment and report him.

Sadly I don’t think your friendship can survive this now, and it likely wouldn’t have once he failed to pay you back anyway. So sorry if this was a friendship you valued

sesquipedalian · 21/04/2026 13:36

OP, he’s trying it on, and trying subtly to guilt you into it, by implying it’s something to do with his DC, but in such a way he can absolutely deny later that he intimated any such thing. Unless you have £4,000 to throw away, don’t even think it.

ajandjjmum · 21/04/2026 13:34

I would struggle to trust him with that amount of money, if he couldn't trust me with the reason he needed it.

cooldarkroom · 21/04/2026 13:31

I have 2 occasions lent large sums to two different "best" friends, on both occasions I had to ask for the money back after waiting for years !, No mention of interest !! I will never do it again

corkscissorschalk · 21/04/2026 13:31

@rainershine22
Absolutely not!
It’s not even so much about whether you can afford to lose it, or give it as a gift, it’s the fact that he’s not willing to tell you the truth about the situation.
It’s presumably something he is embarrassed about, either caused by him, or maybe a family member. He can’t face talking to you about it, and more likely than not, if he’s asking on behalf of another person, will only be aware of an edited view of the situation, so won’t know the full story himself.

Holtome · 21/04/2026 13:30

rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 13:19

Many thanks for all your responses. He has continued to call this AM - which I didn't answer. I said 'no' again. He called again after that. I ignored it.

Is this really completely out of the blue? How long have you known him and how often does he ask for money?

He does seem desperate, which isn't your problem to solve, but I would be worried for him.

LetGoLetThem1234 · 21/04/2026 13:28

Keep on saying no. The problem is not yours to solve.

The friendship is probably over. But that's not your fault.

I would tell him to stop asking as he is now harrassing you. Then I would block him.

MLMsuperfan · 21/04/2026 13:25

OP, if you pay this time, there'll be more calls in the future.

WallaceinAnderland · 21/04/2026 13:23

Well done for ignoring him. If it's that urgent then the need for it will be over soon.

nomas · 21/04/2026 13:22

FaceIt · 21/04/2026 13:18

With respect, are you really that naive??

She would never see a penny of it again.

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I think that poster is saying if you absolutely must do this, at least have the necessary protections place.

Unfortunately there are people who do lend big sums of money without having it in writing 🙁

nomas · 21/04/2026 13:20

rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 13:19

Many thanks for all your responses. He has continued to call this AM - which I didn't answer. I said 'no' again. He called again after that. I ignored it.

His pestering shows you were right to say no.

Any decent friend would have respected your first no.

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