AIBU to refuse a friend £4k without knowing what it is for?

Of course he's pissed off, you were supposed to be beset with worry at his woes and reclassify the loan as a gift. This is what OP's friend will be expecting too.

I foolishly lent a large amount of money as a short term bridging loan to someone I thought was a completely trustworthy friend. I had known him for many years, he had a very plausible reason, and although I did get it back (eventually), it turned out he was lying to me about what he needed it for, and I didn't get it back for a long time after he said he'd repay it. I had so many sleepless nights worrying about it! I'd persuaded my DH that we could trust him (he was reluctant to lend such a lot) and I spent ages planning how I'd save up enough to replenish our joint savings - it would have taken literally years.

As I say, we got it back and I tried to overlook it for the sake of our friendship but I still can't quite forgive him and our friendship has more or less fizzled out anyway. I will never lend anyone money I can't afford to give them ever again. It still makes me feel sick to think about it and it was years ago now. I don't think my ex-friend has the slightest idea of the impact it had on me, he's certainly never really apologised for it, and weirdly seemed pissed off with me about the whole thing.

Absolutely not!!

What a CF!

Firstly, what’s his water tight plan he has in place to pay you back? I bet he doesn’t have one. Are you prepared to take him to court if he doesn’t?

What if he disappears and you never see the money again.

Harassing you when you’ve said no is not ok! Clearly he just assumed you’d say yes. Why would you assume one of the answers wouldn’t be no?

You don’t have to, in any way, justify not lending the money to him, where your money is or why. Stick to your guns!

Some people! After the repeated calls when you've said you won't loan him this money, I'd no longer consider him a friend. The least he could do is tell you what it's for, but even then... No.

A friend would not ask.

He has asked everyone closer and they have either said no or he has already used up their generosity. I would say no anyway, but he has a cheek thinking he doesn't even have to explain to you what it is for. He must think you are incredibly stupid and/or naive to hand over 4k for some unknown purpose and reason.

Cashflow (unless you are running a business) generally means no money, no savings and poor credit. Put these three things together and the likelihood is that he will not be able to repay you. Are you willing to lose the money? If not, then say no and tell him not to ask you again. Doesn't he have other friends or family that he can ask? Sounds like he views you as a soft touch and is going to keep pushing until you give in.

That makes it all a bit stranger - surely he's got someone he's closer to these days that he could ask in person? You haven't seen him for nearly two years and he's asking you for a loan? Either he doesn't want to lose face around people he sees regularly, or he's already milked that cash cow dry and is going through his contacts list.

I don’t think you need to know what it’s for. You only need to know it will be paid back.

However I’d expect someone wanting to borrow such a large sum to volunteer that information. The fact that they haven’t is good enough reason to say no.

From what you’ve said about him and the fact that he’s mentioned it relates to the children, my guess is that he can’t pay private school fees. Little Quentin and Jemima will just have to leave St Bastard’s prep if he can’t pay for it. None of this is your responsibility.

You might need to block his number on your phone if he asks again.

My rule is that I never lend money I can’t afford to lose.

This bloke sounds like a cheeky fucker.

Do you know his wife?

I might be tempted to make an "I'm really worried about..." call. Call, not text.

I'd simply send-

I have told you no, more than once. Please don't ask me again.

No reasons, no excuses or explanations. And continue to ignore.

Me too.

If a friend asked me for that amount of money, but wouldn’t say what it was for (which is a reasonable thing to ask) I’d think it was gambling related.

Dont send this @rainershine22
You have said No
Thats it
Continuing to ask is manipulative and ignoring boundaries
No and then block if he continues
If you offer to help he would wheedle back in

If he’s asking you after not seeing him for quite a while, he’s probably asked many people before you.
It is a pressing debt he’s clearly very anxious about so it will be something be wants to hide and can’t borrow for legitimately eg gambling debt, drugs debt.
Sounds a bit melodramatic but there is clearly a reason he’s pressing you and why he won’t tell you what it’s for - it’s not for an unpaid gas bill. Any debts of that nature you can work with the provider.
Debts of another nature are an entirely different beast.
Don’t get involved. As he’s not near you sadly I’d block him for a while because what he is doing is intimidating now.

My guess is he gambles. Its a massive problem with (some) men

This will almost certainly be related to an addiction of some kind. You would be a fool to do this. You can kiss the £4K goodbye if you do. It is not a loan. If he cannot get the money from a bank, then is a reason. I don’t think you are helping his children in the long run either. The longer he strings this out, the longer to rock bottom and the point when he can actually start to turn things around.

Hi Friend

Please stop asking me for money. I'm not going to change my mind and it's making me really uncomfortable.

I can't afford the loan (I'm not sure what you imagine my financial circumstances are!) and I definitely can't afford to lose it (and our friendship) if something goes wrong.

If you are having problems and I can help in any other way, I'm here.

Bonkers. No way would I give him money. Why would you give someone that much money with no explanation?
I'd need a good reason to give my husband that kind of money and we share a house and kids (but have separate finances!), never mind some random friend you barely see.
Not a hope and I'd actually be quite insulted that they keep asking, doesn't look like they have much pride in themselves and if they are that desperate how in the name of god are they going to pay you back. Not that I'd be asking that. I'd just not be interested in taking that risk so it would just be a no from me.

If he's coming after someone he's not seen for a couple of years that means he's gone through all his friends.

I would imagine he wants to speak to you to either try to bully you into giving him the money or manipulate you.

So he's not living on the breadline then, has quite a nice lifestyle of his own? Who's paying schools fees without savings of £4k behind them? It sounds like he's either done something stupid or has been living beyond his means for a long time.

My guess is he doesn't want to tell you what happened becayse it's the school fees and there's an obvious, if unpalatable, answer to a luxury you can't afford.

Goodness. So you haven't seen him for 2 years yet he thinks you're his go to for a loan?

Well done for saying no OP. He's not your responsibility.