AIBU to refuse a friend £4k without knowing what it is for?

Well he's the one who wont actually talk about it (other than just asking for cash.)
I'd just ignore him. Its somewhat disrespectful of him to keep bringing it up.

Not always.

I’ve lent friends money before. Sometimes they’ve not paid it back, but I kinda knew they’d probably do that. The others HAVE paid it back. I’ve never regretted any of it. But I’ve always known why they needed it. They know I wouldn’t judge them. You say that he asked over the phone, I would ask him to meet up for a coffee so you can talk about whatever is bothering him. But if you don’t have the money, it’s academic anyway.

I would assume it's a gambling/drug debt I would only give it to him of you considered it a gift , because he will not be paying this back

From bitter experience, I know that lending money to friends means two things - you'll lose some or all of the money, and you'll definitely lose the friend. Banks are the place to go for a loan.

So he’s not even a close friend anymore, or someone you see regularly. I guess all his other friends have turned him down, but that’s still not a good reason for you to pay. You’re probably right in that he sees you a a single, solvent, rich lady, but even then, you’re under no obligation to donate the money.

Continue to ignore him, and ignore any sob stories.

Wont divulge the reason but wants you to divulge 4K! That's a lot of money. Don't do it.

Why bother speaking to him to reiterate what he has already communicated - that he cannot lend him the money. I absolutely would ignore. OP has said no. He doesn’t need to understand what it is for to say no again. He doesn’t need to justify why he can’t or won’t lend it. The fact that the friend wasn’t transparent as to why he needed it, is enough data to infer that he is unlikely to repay it.

Ignore. Ignore, ignore.

Personally, I wouldn't be lending anyone (friend or not) that kind of money, even if I did know the reason. It's funny how these friends can drop off your radar when it comes to paying you back.

If he's so desperate I would advise him to take his kids out of private education and send them to state school. That would save more than he's asking for.

So really he's just scamming you. A scammer who you know personally but a scammer nonetheless. If you want to be taken for a mug then chuck some money at him but if you want to retain your dignity then say no.

From someone who lent a large sum to family no less, who then spent 7 years trying to get it back, just don’t do it. It’s your money and you are not responsible for anyone else’s debt.

It's awful behaviour as a friend to keep pressing you like this after multiple refusals.

The only time a friend of ours has asked to borrow money it seemed dodgy. He had a lot of close family and hasn’t told his wife. We were basically worried he’d cocked up something within his business and was too ashamed to admit it at home. We said no immediately. Something didn’t ring quite right and either he was not telling family (ergo he’d really fucked up) or he’d already borrowed off them and that line of support had dried up. Either way we weren’t willing to risk our own savings.

I would not lend money to anyone unless I was 100 percent sure that I would be able to manage if they never paid it back. I have lent money to friends and I have always been paid back but my starting point is, can I manage without this money? I would be less fussed about what it was for because realistically somebody could lie about the reason if they wanted to - although if they said it was to go on a cruise I'd be a bit miffed.
However he asked and you have answered several times and the fact that he is still pestering you is completely out of order. It would appear he has probably exhausted all other avenues If he's asking you who he hasn't seen for over a year.

totally and completely yanbu for so many reasons

Is £4k loose change to you?

I wouldn't ignore him.

Speak to him again and either ask him to explain in detail what he needs the money for, or make it clear that you don't have £4000 spare to lend him, or don't want to lend money.

He's not a friend, he's run out of people to ask. Check with the rest of your mutual - bet he's done this to loads of people.

Never lend money to a friend if you still want to be friends in the future. Learnt that the hard way. It just doesn't work out, even if you really feel like you can trust them. You usually become the last person they're willing to pay, and it'll wear on you to the point that the relationship completely deteriorates

He is asking you to give him money not loan money. He will not pay this back and you know this. What it is for is pretty much irrelevant. It is not your problem to fix. Stay strong and keep saying no.

Couldn’t give a shit what it was for (with perhaps the exception of a life saving operation) he’s not having it.

Then I think for the foreseeable, you need to simply block him on everything. Social media, email. Phone number. You can unblock him at a later date if you wish, but this will continue while communication lines remain open.

You’ve said no. He has no idea what your finances are like and yes, he may be desperate, for one of many valid reasons. That he isn’t being transparent [eg. lost his job, IVF costs, car was wrecked in a crash and insurance cover wasn’t enough and I need it get to work etc] is a red flag to me, tbh. It could be for gambling or drug debts, for all you know. However, if he needs help for whatever reason the mortgage company can give a repayment holiday, citizens advice can help with working out if there are benefits he can claim and also with debt resolution processes (or voluntary bankruptcy). There will be help for the children available too.

It’s not your problem to solve and with this level of desperation - I suspect he has tried all his closer friends and family and come up empty already, so you are person 23 on the list - it seems that he needs to get professional financial support not badger someone he’s not seen for 2 years into giving a HUGE sum of money for a lot of people.

I know it will feel awful for you, he has deliberately mentioned his kids to ensure you feel guilty, but you need to shut this down.

Keep strong saying no, you haven't seen him for a while and he is almost harassing you.
Big red flags, don't do it.

No, I’d not lend him the money. If he refuses to tell you what it’s for, then he trusts you enough to take your cash but not to tell you why? Not a good look.
I might say look, I’m not lending you anything, but if you tell me what the problem is, maybe I can help you work out a solution

However …
I have never asked friends for money, I would be waaaaaaay too embarrassed. The fact that your friend is now badgering you for a loan clearly demonstrates that you were absolutely right to say no first time round. I don’t believe a true friend would behave in the way he has.