AIBU to refuse a friend £4k without knowing what it is for?

Nothing to say here except for NO.

Not sure if you’re still reading replies and/or whether someone has already said this, but a (long term but not especially close) friend of my dad’s asked him for money out of the blue and it turned out she was the victim of a romance scam. She had already sent her family’s life savings to the scammer and was getting increasingly desperate, hence why she started asking people outside of her immediate circle of family and friends.

absolutely not! Don’t lend him. It’s it’s for something genuine they’d tell you. Chances are it’s gambling or something similar.

He is behaving very strangely then - to the point that I would be very concerned about him.

1. asking for money from someone he isn’t super close with
2. asking for an objectively fairly large sum of money
3. not being able to tell you what it’s for
4. continuing to hassle you about it after you have said no

This is way beyond CF territory. If anyone I knew was acting this way I’d be thinking some sort of addiction or criminal issue and getting in touch with their partner or close mutual friends - not to tattle tale, but to safeguard them.

There is reason there is a saying 'Never a borrower or a lender be' . It rarely ends well.

I agree with everyone else who feels the his secrecy and lack of options from bank etc suggest he is in no position to repay you.

Last time I saw him was in Summer 2024 at a mutual friend's wedding.

This makes me think he has already borrowed from or asked loads of other friends and is now working his way through people he sees less frequently. In other words, owes a lot already.

Do not lend this money you will regret it.

100% this. Probably already in debt with close friends and family so he’s trying his luck.

Message him saying you won’t be lending him money and please stop asking as this could be considered harassment,

He's not a friend now. He's an aquaintance you haven't even seen for 2 years who called out of the blue harassing you for thousands of £££s and isn't taking no for an answer. He feels entitled to your money. That's an asshole.

He's used up his closer friends and family. If he's calling you multiple times or gets huffy or angry, it might be time to tell him if he contacts you again for money you'll report him for harassment. This friend is no loss, sorry.

I would simply end this by saying ‘Sorry I don’t have much by way of savings, with living in London …..’. That way there’s no ongoing challenge, whatever you decide do not lend the money.

Don't lend money to friends.

Never loan money. Either give as a gift or not at all. Only you can make a judgement about whether you think a gift of that sum is worthwhile and how you would feel later if you'd found out it was used for drugs / gambling or just to pay the mortgage to keep a roof over his head. I think the fact he can't even explain why he needs it would make if a no from me. There are some people in my life who I would give a large sum of money to but not many.

Does HE have private school fees to pay?

Like all the others posters say, you are doing the right thing. Never loan money you are not willing to loose.

No, I wouldn't lend it. I'm still waiting for £5K from a 'friend' due to be paid back 6 years ago. Similarly the reasons were vague and then had additional wow is me bullshit layered on top. Had the brass neck to ask me for another £1k earlier this year 😂

I have lent money to another friend in the past. None of the smoke and mirrors. Clear request, with a clear reason and a date to pay back which was adhered to. Never borrowed off me again.

Embrace your Spidey senses. If it looks like shit and sounds like shit. It's obviously a crock of shit.

I'm suspecting he has an addiction.
We have a close friend that has been doing this to old friends - calling them up for loans and never paying them back.

I suspect he's going through his contacts list and has asked others for money as well...

Stand firm, OP. Block him if you have to.

It's £4K you can kiss goodbye to, you'll never get it back.

what a grifter.

He could lie about the reason anyway. You haven't seen him for two years. I'd block him if he persists.

I would lend my brother any money he needed, I trust him 100% and he once loaned me a huge amount of money (>20k) I paid him back, in full, on the day I said I would. Of all my friends, there is only one to whom I would lend more than I could afford to lose, but she would never ask.

This would be a flat no from me, as I could not afford to lose £4k

I've known him about 18 years. We used to see each other a lot since we lived 15 mins from each other. But he moved out of London 12 years ago (to the countryside), so we rarely see each other now. Last time I saw him was in Summer 2024 at a mutual friend's wedding. So it's not like it's someone I see once a month or something.

He will have asked a load of people before you if you haven't seen him for that long. Everyone else has said no (or maybe some people have said yes and he's pissed their money up the wall and needs to find more people to ask because he can't ask them again!)
Sounds like he's desperate if he's asking you when you haven't seen each for two years and rarely in the last 12!

@rainershine22 I see you have said, No and are ignoring his repeated calls and texts.
I'd be contacting mutual friends asking if they know What's going on with Ted because out of the blue he contacted me asking for £4k and even though I've refused he continues to call and message. It's bizarre as I haven't seen or spoken to him in 2 years.

Never lend more than you can afford to lose. You have to work on the assumption you won’t get it back. You’d be surprised how many people don’t get back money they lend. If youre willing to give them that money (obviously you don’t tell them it’s a gift, you hope they will return it as promised) then ok. If not then don’t lend it. It doesn’t sound like you want to lend it, so don’t feel you should. Say no, mean no. If they fall out with you over it they aren’t your friend and probably wouldn’t have returned it anyway.

I think it's reasonable to want to know what it's for. I'd lend a friend money if it was a 1 off expense that was essential (care repair, new boiler, rent deposit) but I'd feel uncomfortable if it was for something everyday that they weren't able to budget for (regular car payments etc) or for something for themselves that isn't essential (cosmetic procedures or a holiday). Or even worse if it supports a gambling or drug issue potentially. It's a lot of money and I think it's ok to ask what it's for (the bank asked me when I got a car loan!)

You’d be bonkers to lend anyone any money without any context. Lending institutions would ask questions, why would you not?

Don't lend him the money, it could be for gambling or drugs. It's huge amount to loan anyone.