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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse a friend £4k without knowing what it is for?

318 replies

rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 10:36

My friend asked me to borrow a large sum of money. (£4k).

He wouldn't say what it is for, but claimed he can't get help anywhere else (such as banks/loans etc...) which is obviously already a red flag.

I asked if everything was ok in his life and what was going on... but he didn't want to divulge too much and was just said he had 'cashflow issues'. I know his two children and he alluded to it being something related to them - but not much more...?!

I declined to give him anything/said no - but he's messaged again today AM asking me to reconsider. He clearly sounds desperate, but AIBU in still saying no?

OP posts:
BooneyBeautiful · 22/04/2026 19:37

rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 11:11

It's not like I'm rich. I think it's more because he has children and I don't, so he must be thinking I have more disposable income.

Show quote history

That's not relevant as I am sure you have your own expenses. Just because you don't have children, doesn't necessarily mean you are rolling in money. Never a borrower or lender be.

ShodAndShadySenators · 22/04/2026 19:25

Deleted repeated post

ShodAndShadySenators · 22/04/2026 19:25

I'd have blocked him already. He's really, really not a friend, he's just a user that you happened to know. Nobody needs a leech in their life.

BooneyBeautiful · 22/04/2026 19:17

rubyslippers · 21/04/2026 10:39

Yanbu
it’s a big amount of money
if someone was going to ask me that and couldn’t even tell me truthfully what it was for I would assume it’s gambling or something else
they aren’t credit worthy if they can’t get a loan elsewhere so another red flag
you’d never ever get it back and I think you’d embolden him to ask for more subsequently

And if they are adult children, could quite possibly drugs be drug related. I knew someone who was always in trouble with drug debt. His DF kept bailing him out. In excess of £10K last time I heard.

SmudgeBrown · 22/04/2026 19:14

It’s dangerous to mix friendship and money. That’s a form of words one can use to get out of it. ‘I never lend money to friends. It’s too messy and ruins friendships.’

My (former) husband’s mantra was never lend, just give it. Lending builds in weird dynamics. And he was right. If the money is trivial to you, give it. But dont ‘lend’ it.

Specialneedsnightmare · 22/04/2026 18:54

Onto the next unwilling person no doubt.

If he asks again I would block. It's harassment.

TeflonBoot · 22/04/2026 18:44

Bloody hell, he's desperate isn't he despite your repeated refusals? Doesn't sound good for him. Still not your problem though.

Original poster
rainershine22 · 22/04/2026 18:36

Hi everyone. Thanks for your responses. I had already said 'no' prior to writing this thread - which I said in the OP. I said 'no' again after that too. He called me 3 times yesterday, but nothing today - which is a relief. Suspect he has moved on.

OP posts:
CeffylCoch · 22/04/2026 18:18

Don’t do it. He’s rude to keep pestering you. I would reply one last time ‘I said no, please stop asking’

Pessismistic · 22/04/2026 18:17

Op stick to your guns on this there has been plenty of posts on here about borrowing and they didn’t end well he is basically harassing you because he thinks your weak and will cave. If he rings again just send him a message saying no I haven’t got it and I don’t think you should keep ringing me I’m not going to change my mind.

Notasbigasithink · 22/04/2026 18:16

rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 10:36

My friend asked me to borrow a large sum of money. (£4k).

He wouldn't say what it is for, but claimed he can't get help anywhere else (such as banks/loans etc...) which is obviously already a red flag.

I asked if everything was ok in his life and what was going on... but he didn't want to divulge too much and was just said he had 'cashflow issues'. I know his two children and he alluded to it being something related to them - but not much more...?!

I declined to give him anything/said no - but he's messaged again today AM asking me to reconsider. He clearly sounds desperate, but AIBU in still saying no?

Leant money is spent money.
Regardless of whether you feel the need to approve the purpose of the loan or not, can you afford to a) lose a friend over this and b) not ever see the money again.
If you answer no to either of these questions then you just say you're sorry, you can't afford to loan him anything.

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 22/04/2026 18:16

No
No way.
If he asks again I would be inclined to block him.

rosie1873 · 22/04/2026 18:05

I wouldn't loan it no matter what. You may never see it again, so many times people make that mistake and then lost money and a friend. If they can't take no for an answer, it's not a friend.

Laura95167 · 22/04/2026 17:48

redskyAtNigh · 21/04/2026 10:37

Can you afford to lose the money (and the friendship if he doesn't repay you)?

If you can't, then it doesn't matter why he wants it.

This!

Theres a reason its secret, a reason the bank said no, a reason hes desperate.

And if you give it you might lose it and your friendship

I wouldnt gamble that much money on a friend who couldnt or wouldnt at least confide in me about why he was asking. He wants your money, you arent even getting his honesty

FarmGirl78 · 22/04/2026 12:36

He's asking you to trust him with 4k, but won't trust you enough to tell you what it's for?

A firm nope.

VickyEadieofThigh · 22/04/2026 09:32

BMW6 · 22/04/2026 08:33

WTF!

Who has the nerve to ask for such a large amount from someone he hasn't seen for nearly 2 years and isn't a really close friend???

He must have tried family and close friends before getting down to you!

I'd bet my house that if you lent it you'd never get a penny back nor would you hear from him again.

Don't be such a fool OP

"Don't be such a fool"? Have you read the actual thread title, where she asks if she's being U to "refuse"?

BMW6 · 22/04/2026 08:33

WTF!

Who has the nerve to ask for such a large amount from someone he hasn't seen for nearly 2 years and isn't a really close friend???

He must have tried family and close friends before getting down to you!

I'd bet my house that if you lent it you'd never get a penny back nor would you hear from him again.

Don't be such a fool OP

nomas · 22/04/2026 08:33

rainershine22 · 21/04/2026 13:58

No. I don't live a flashy lifestyle at all. I'm not even on ANY social media. Even my LinkedIn is in 'incognito mode' and was only last turned on when I was job hunting...! It's likely because I live in London and have no children, so I think he thinks I have more disposable income. I have a good job in tech - so maybe because of all this AI hype, he's thinking I'm on the same salary as my CEO - which I'm obviously not! Far from it!

To be frank, I think it is largely because I don't have children, school fees etc... to pay for.

Edited
Show quote history

To be frank, I think it is largely because I don't have children, school fees etc... to pay for

There was a thread a while back from a childfree OP whose male friend just couldn’t understand she wouldn’t want to fund his kids private school fees.

It was astonishing. Wish I could find it for you but it was a couple of years ago at least.

nomas · 22/04/2026 08:28

Doone22 · 22/04/2026 06:41

He's not asking for a loan, he's asking for a bailout. Up to you though isn't it? I've given away money before (no don't ask 🤣) because I am terrible at saying no to people and feel sorry for them no matter what trouble they're in.

She has already told him no repeatedly.

Being terrible at saying no isn’t funny.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 22/04/2026 08:25

Out of the blue request = exhausted all other channels due to not paying back = lifestyle choice poor imo

Doone22 · 22/04/2026 06:41

He's not asking for a loan, he's asking for a bailout. Up to you though isn't it? I've given away money before (no don't ask 🤣) because I am terrible at saying no to people and feel sorry for them no matter what trouble they're in.

Hohumitsreallyallthereis · 21/04/2026 23:39

ThejoyofNC · 21/04/2026 14:18

I'd simply send-

I have told you no, more than once. Please don't ask me again.

No reasons, no excuses or explanations. And continue to ignore.

Yes, this. You do not need to justify yourself. But honestly I’d just block him.

Ohnobackagain · 21/04/2026 23:07

Wouldn’t matter if you have the money or not @rainershine22 just keep saying ‘no’.

Hohumitsreallyallthereis · 21/04/2026 22:22

Honestly if he keeps harassing you I’d block him. Awful behaviour from him.

Dewdust · 21/04/2026 21:42

You really should just block him. He is going to pressure you endlessly if he thinks you are likely to give in.
Might turn up with flowers and chocolates to persuade you ( and two tickets to the cinema).
Anything he does will be with a view to getting money off you.
He's seeing you as an easy target.
Single.
No kids.
Money in the bank . ... He cant wait to get his hands on it.
He will wrangle you for less and then double it.
Maybe even take things from your home to sell.
Maybe he's a secret crack addict on the slippery slope to hell.
Suggest rehab! Or better still stop replying to his calls and texts.