I wish my mother would stop framing things she wants to do as help that I should then be grateful for

Do we share the same mother? My mum has a habit of only doing the things she thinks will benefit her, not what will actually be helpful to anyone. She was convinced I wanted her at the birth of my first child. I had never so much as hinted at that idea, the very thought of having her in the delivery room sent my blood pressure through the roof! I knew she would try to over-ride my decisions, try to sideline DH and generally bring an air of panic and anxiety. On top of that, she lives at least 3 hours away but she seemed to think I'd be able to control my labour to fit in with her travel time etc.

She also wanted to stay immediately after the birth, not to help & support but to "watch how I cope" (her words). Obviously that wasn't happening, so the day after I'd given birth I had a barrage of text messages from her basically trying to ensure that she got to our house before my in-laws so that she got to meet the baby first. It was exhausting!

I'm now 46 and since Covid I've slowly been reducing contact as I find it all so stressful, exhausting and draining. I don't have any suggestions for you but do understand what it's like.

@Notabarbie Thank you for what you posted about emotionally immature parents not being able to see past their own needs and desires. I read that sentence and it was like a light bulb moment! That's exactly my parents, mostly my mum but a bit of my dad too. It's been really helpful to read that today.

Oh of course i would go if they asked me i just wouldn't expect it or suggest it, i wasn't a criticism of anyone who's mum was there.

And that’s when you respond by saying that she was and is never going to be at the birth regardless of what she’s doing at the time.

The only way to deal with this is to be very forthright and direct OP. It is not up for discussion. It’s not a negotiation. She is not a committee member on the board of your life.

You need to tell your midwife and have it marked on your notes that your mother is not allowed in. Honestly, for people who think this is over the top, they don't know a woman like your mother.

The fact that she won't mind your cats gives you one advantage - she won't know when you are in labour.
Start practicing not being responsive to messages now (I suspect you usually feel pressured to answer pretty quickly!) so that she doesn't get suspicious.
Tell her after your baby has arrived safely and you and your partner feel ready for visitors.

If there is a next time, give her the wrong due date. I'm serious.

This.
I've never heard of anyone booking a catsitter to cover giving birth.
Partner will be able to pop back at least once a day and that's fine for a short period of time for any cat unless particularly ill.
Even if you end up being in hospital longer, your partner won't be.

For both of my children including one with some complications I was in for less than 24 hours. We live an hour from hospital and DH drove home to sort the dogs out and came back later. You could also consider an automatic feeder for reassurance.

My mum is a bit like that, offers help but it’s not helpful it’s jus something she wants to do and then says “don’t forget I did x thing for you” or “now you owe me x thing which is far more involved”. I let her know once the baby was here and said, I am being discharged soon, you can come at x time or see us at home. You need to be a bit firmer “Its not frozen rubbish, its food I have cooked and I like. Its practical to make it in advance”.

You just need to tell her straight, OP.

"No, whether you feed the cats or not, it's just going to be me and DH at the hospital. The best way you could help us would be to feed them, I'd be able to relax then. But it's up to you, no pressure, I can get the sitter if you don't want to."

"You'd like to help us with meals? Great! It would be brilliant if you could make a few things we can put in the freezer and heat up quickly when we're busy with the baby."

When she talks about coming over 'to cook': "We're going to make it just the three of us at home to begin with, so we can't say at the moment when it will be the best time for you to come. Don't worry, though, we'll let you know when you can visit."

And then offer ways she CAN help that you'd be happy with. If she says no to them say: "Oh, that's a shame, as it would have been really helpful for us. Never mind, though, I don't want you to feel under pressure so we'll sort it ourselves."

If she pushes about her own thing: "No, thanks anyway, but we don't need/want that. I did say how you could help, by doing X. If you change your mind, that would be great. No pressure, though."

You need to get out of the habit of worrying about her being upset. She's not worried about upsetting you! And this is your time with your baby. I'm not saying freeze her out, of course she's excited to meet her grandchild, just make sure the opportunities she's given by you to do that also work for you.

Valid point. If you go into Labour then feed cats as you leave,( DH can do this)

In most cases you'd be home within 24 hours if you stay longer than that then your DH will need to go back to the house anyway and he can feed cats again.

can I just say, please don’t book a month of pet sitting! You’re extremely unlikely to be in hospital longer than a few days, and outside the labour, your partner can pop home to feed the cats. It’s really unnecessary and a worry that you don’t need!
Sorry your mums being such a pain. She sounds really selfish. I would be tempted to not tell her when you go into hospital as she sounds the type who would just turn up! The midwife wouldn’t let her in without your permission anyway, but again, it’s stress you don’t need at the time. Good luck!

Definitely don't sit her down and spell out boundaries. She will go berserk, cry, create a huge drama with any wider family. In no way will this lead to a good peaceful outcome for you.

The suggestions of finding a day or two for fun baby shopping and tea are good if you have the time, energy and patience. She wants to be the center of attention.

Other than that severely cut down on your interactions with her. Don't give details, be as vague as possible.

Maybe give her a job to do if she won't drive you crazy with it.

You may need to explain boundaries to her at some point but before birth is not that time!

TBH, you will need to minimise contact unfortunately. And be prepared for her still not to "get" it, and still keep making insane suggestions. She will be feeding off the input of friends asking her etc.

The weirdest thing my MIL did post birth was keep telling us that her friends were "desperate to meet him" - people we'd never met. So to make it easier for us to let her friends meet the baby, she would host us at her house and hour away.

We were doing skin to skin, chilling out at home watching telly and enjoying bonding. We had no desire whatsoever to traipse an hour away to satisfy the whims of people we'd never met.

Thing was - some of the people would have just have been polite. But then again, some people sent us gifts - an ex co-worker of hers sent (horrible) clothes worth £40!

I call it granny fever. I think it's sort of related to nesting, except without any useful outlet it turns crazy, even if well-intentioned.

(My own mum spent 35 years telling me pregnancy wasn't an illness and she was climbing glaciers when pregnant. Then nine months treating me like a delicate porcelain figurine and screaming in terror at my dad when we were innocently walking on a beach about THE DANGER.)

My MIL has calmed a lot, but be prepared that "helpful" decisions will continue to baffle you. MIL bought the first pram - she wanted to. Then a second, lighter pram - she wanted to. Now, when my son is on the cusp of not using a pram at all she's bought a third, even lighter pram for her use. I think it's because BIL is now expecting, but it's too early for her to buy for that so she's directing her energies at us.

My mum was at my eldests birth and I was at 2 of my GC births. ( At DDs request)

What will you do if a daughter of yours wanted you there?

Why wont she feed the cat ? And why does not feeding the cat mean she can be your birth partner?
You need firmer boundaries.
No, i don't want you to be my birth partner.
I am planning to breast feed ,if you wish to support me in thats great, if not please don't come to stay after the birth.
I don't have time for shopping trips right now.
Just say NO.
What are you fearful of if you say No to her?

I wouldn't have wanted my mum at mine and my Dds are adults and if they had babies I would not want to be in a delivery room either.

Has this changed recently then? I was at the births of of my GC and they are 1 and 8

My MIL came over the day after I gave birth . Her reason was that she decided to plant some flowers in the garden for us . I looked out the window to see her digging away at the borders planting marigolds. So helpful.

This is a level of worry and preparedness that I can't really imagine.

Sorry your mum is so unhelpful-

All I can advise is to match her energy and become a brick to her

I get on well with my mother and she has decent boundaries, but I still wouldn’t want her with me whilst giving birth !

Oh there is a good point does she have a key ?

So now you have the measure of her stand firm. Dcats are sorted. No need to let her know you are in labour.. Tell her when you feel happy to. Ime breastfeeding isn't a problematic issue. We are mammals. Have breasts =feed baby. A skill to be learnt yes but not a hurdle likely to fall at..
If she needs to feel needed have a pile of ironing dropped off. Keep her busy for a few days!
Tell her you need to focus on your newborn - not a job for her that is it?
I hope she doesn't have a key... Keep your door locked and don't answer the door of she turns up uninvited.. Text later you were napping but she is welcome on x afternoon..

I wonder if you can manage her rather than blocking her, so give her a shopping list to buy or just arrange a day and just meet her look around and cute baby clothes and then it is out of her system?

Honestly, you need to start being really blunt with her now or she will be an even worse nightmare when your baby is here.

Her behaviour is so self-centred and selfish that it will probably have the opposite effect as eventually you and your partner will probably agree that she needs to be completely cut off because she won't recognise any boundaries at all.

Her treatment of your partner is incredibly rude and you need to put a stop to that now.