I wish my mother would stop framing things she wants to do as help that I should then be grateful for

Have you tried asking her why you need to be grateful? Just keep questioning her stance OP. Why should you be grateful? For what?

Honestly. She was mortified when her mum and 3 "friends" that my cousin didn't know/had never met in her life paraded through the living room while she had her top off, going "Ooh, a baby!" making the grabby hands thing!
I (sensibly) only turned up when summoned by her, mostly to do laundry/cooking provide a shoulder to cry on (hormones) and once to mow the lawn.😂

Don't tell her when you are in labour etc just message her after, then you won't need to worry about her turning up.

I think you need to be direct and say we dont want x help, we want y. If you want to help its to feed the cats and you won't be at hospital anyways.

Re cat, does your hospital allow overnight visitors? Mine didn't / doesn't.

Lol my son in law phoned me after being at the hospital for half an hour staying DD asking for me to be there. Typically in middle of the night. Luckily at that hour I could get there in 15 mins

I'm a catsitter and a few of my regular customers have been pregnant. I'm happy to pencil in dates for births - I don't expect to be paid for all of it. If the first catsitter isn't sensible about it, try another.

Get a timed feeder, the rotating ones allow 4-5 wet food meals a day. The dry food bins can last for 1-2 weeks. You may not go home but your DP can.

I agree and my mum used to be a midwife !!

@Dinosnorous Does she have a key to your house?

So, if you're feeding your newborn, she could just unlock the door and wander in with some of her friends so they can be introduced to her grandchild - don't laugh, but it happened to my cousin. After that she had a chain on the door and her mum shouted through the gap to be let in, hence waking a sleeping baby...🤦🏻‍♀️
She moved away from her mum before they had their 2nd, and again (a bit further) before no 3.

Best of luck. At least the cats are sorted.
Your Mum, not so much😨

If you don't want her around you and the new baby just tell her so straight out. Its clear that she wants to offer help that bring her into contact with you, or you and the baby. Most support has a reciprocal element so just offering her things to do that help you whilst keeping her at arms length is unlikely to work and is slightly unreasonable.

Um, the whole point of batch cooking is NOT to eat frozen rubbish. Frozen home cooking! I don’t think she understands what batch cooking means.

Yeah it’s a desperate desire to be the matriarch again with women who feel they’ve become irrelevant. They haven’t - the sane ones have carved out a new life for themselves once their DC have flown the nest. But the less balanced or fulfilled women remember being the crucial and central mother figure in the family and want a piece of that action again. They want their time again, which is frankly ridiculous because it’s another woman’s turn now (their daughter or daughter in law’s time). Hopefully this temporary insanity will be short lived when OP’s mother remembers the grind of caring for an infant.

OP, be really careful about how much you tell her in case she actually turns up at the hospital before you're ready.

I observe from afar a controlling mother who has arranged the daughter’s engagement and muscled in at the birth of her child. The daughter’s partner is being ridden roughshod over. Zero respect for him. I cringe and wonder why she can’t be told where to get off. That’d lead to a major meltdown I expect so I’m assuming the “peace” needs to be kept. Dreadful woman.

Give her a task that makes her feel involved. What would actually help you???
Think of a way she can genuinely help you and offer her that. If you don’t offer up any suggestions, she is likely to continue.

I was like you.. didn’t need any help. Well I would say the first 18m of my baby’s life were the worst of my life so far. Don’t shut the door on help. I told my mum I didn’t want / need her help, so she went on a long 5* holiday. I deeply regret that now years later!!!

She sounds shattering.. and manipulative. I wouldn't want her at the hospital either, this is you and your partners time.

Have you ever tried to talk to her, about the way she twists/takes over things?

As for helping, as her to go shopping on her own, give her a rough list of things needed, baby grows, blanket etc. Even if you've already got them it will make her feel useful. Use being pregnant as an excuse not to go, tell her you're shattered or something like that. As for the rest of it just keep her at arms length as much as possible if she just blank refuses to take a hint. She knows as a mother than actually, someone in the background who is reliable, feeding cats, cooking for the freezer, doing a few chores is worth it's weight in gold, much more than actually being in the hospital or insisting you do everything their way.

Good luck with everything and hope you get to enjoy your little one in peace when he/she arrives.

I disagree. I think OP should sit her down now and tell her clearly and firmly that she doesn’t want her at the birth and won’t allow it, that she will be breastfeeding and needs support, not discouragement, that after the birth DM is not to just drop round without asking first (and respecting the answer), and that you are very unhappy about the way she treats DP.

She may make a Big Fuss, but better now than when OP is in labour or exhausted from looking after a newborn.

She wants to feel included, so the shopping day is a good idea if OP can manage it, but it all has to be on OP's terms.

Does your hospital allow partners to spend the night? I’ve given birth in two different hospitals and in both there was a set time (I think 10pm) when partners and visitors had to leave. One of my births was emergency section. I guess if you have a private room there might be different rules.

I understand though with your first you do all the preparation you can.

Sorry about your mum. It does sound annoying especially as she can’t see that she causes stress.

Edit: To add that I also found breastfeeding much easier than bottle feeding so you never know. Reading some material gives the impression that it’s some feat to do it but I think it’s just luck and how things work out for you.

You have had good advice re dealing with DM. Stand firm on her not being at the hospital.

As an aside, I found breastfeeding to be an absolute piece of cake. So easy. Some women do experience difficulties, but she has no reason to think you will. She doesn’t want you to EBF because she already has visions of herself bottle feeding…

Yuck, sounds like my mother.
Emotionally immature, controlling, manipulative, needs everything to be about her…
As previous posters have said, it wasn’t until I reached my forties that I saw her for how she truly is and learned to deal with her properly (installing boundaries!)
This completely threw her and she could no longer even pretend to be doing anything for anyone but herself.
Cue awful texts telling me how selfish I am (for not letting her waste her money on things we don’t need, for not coming to see her enough - whilst my husband was in hospital! You get the idea).
Anyway she became so nasty after we implemented the boundaries that we had to go low contact, and eventually no contact.
My mother is permanently in the victim role anyway so I guess she brought it on herself.
I tell you this not because your Mum is necessarily as bad as mine (emotionally abusive my whole life) but just to make you aware that absolutely nothing will change until you are firm in your boundaries.
If she loses the plot then she’s exposing her true motivations and it will make it easier to deal with her as the guilt won’t be so strong!
Hopefully she isn’t as bad as mine and will be able to self reflect on how selfish she’s being and see sense!

Ugh, this is my mum to a tee - despite us being very clear that my DH would contact family and let them know once I’d given birth, she kept finding spurious reasons to call me every day near my due date. She didn’t really care about it - just wanted to be one if the first to know. On the day of the birth, I refused to pick up so she called ELEVEN times in a row. I ended up taking off my Apple watch and throwing it across the room in a rage 😂.

OP, I’m in my forties - I’ve become much better at handling her in the last couple of years, and since giving birth last October, I’ve kept very clear boundaries, ignored her attempts to overstep and like a pp said, kept her at arms length. It’s done wonders for our sanity and bonding as a family.

If she can’t find it in herself to give you the help you say you need, she’s a terrible grandmother and making it all about her. You don’t need that help.

Was her mother at your birth?

@Dinosnorous you should make the staff at the hospital aware that you do NOT want her there, as she may well turn up uninvited. They should keep her out.

Also, as far as breastfeeding, have you checked out the La Leche League website? There may be a support group near you.