To refuse to see my BF’s friend again over text message comment

Very grim and immature.

I’ve been described as a ‘cool wife’ on threads about opposite-sex friendships because DH and I both have close opposite-sex friends and find it completely unproblematic. Neither of us would think that kind of remark was remotely acceptable.

Oh dear. Let me guess, you think wolf-whistling and catcalling are compliments too.

Neanderthals and their friends are a turn-off for me. It’s good to see so many here find it disgusting too. These threads often attract the cool wivez who think this stuff is hilarious and just bantz and women are uptight by hating this misogynistic language.

That says a lot about your low bar for relationships of all kinds.

I’d probably assume all his friends were the same and what happens when the next friend comes out with something similar followed by all his friends?
I don’t think the friend is the problem but the company your bf chooses to keep.
I would walk away now because he is who he is and isn’t going to completely change because you don’t approve.
You will end up with him feeling he has to choose and if he chooses you he will end up isolated but he’ll still be the same person he is and it would never actually have been his choice not to enjoy the way he usually communicates with his like minded mates which will lead to resentment and even less respect than he already doesn’t have for you now.
Leave this silly little boy to it, there are plenty of men to choose from.

Then this is the cultural norm which could be challenged. I love sex and will openly discuss sex with friends. Not once did I use derogatory language to do so. It's possible.
You appear to have very low standards. The sort of standards which led to a man who bragged about "grabbing them by the pussy" elected as POTUS. I think we should be collectively raising our standards rather than excusing poor behaviour by parroting "boys will be boys" in its various iterations.

I think it’s a huge over reaction based on everything else you’ve said about his friend.

This is a very skewed view. Almost as though youre excusing the comment because you would interpret that as a compliment?

" It sounds like he was telling your BF that he thought he was lucky to be with you.

By referring to enjoying bending her over? Its derogatory & demeaning, and shows how the friend (and his audience) talk and thinks about women (behind the scenes). Not in public where the behaviour would be called out and challenged. If OP does call it out, whos betting it'll be a case of "its only banter, he was joking, youre being too sensitive, oh youre a feminist, one of those, ey arr John youve got yourself one of those type"

Its not a race to the bottom. Its not a compliment

It wasn’t just about sex though, it was specifically about her. He didn’t message his friend about the virtues of his dick.

So that's why he was nice to you.

This is a best friend too? He laughed at the comment. He doesnt challenge shitty behaviour. He surrounds himself with these type of guys.

Yeah this relationship is dead. Your BF has this guy as a best friend. You're already not wanting to see this guy again, 3 months down the line you'll have more problems.

Men and women using crass or vulgar language about sex in single sex company and very limited company is a wide cultural norm in the UK, often for comedic effect and with no ill intent behind it.

But sure. Take it all to heart and feel offended by people liking sex and expressing appreciation for the idea of good sex as a positive thing because their language isn't fine enough. It won't actually improve your life, but it
will help you feel superior, which you may believe is the same thing.

Yes that's right: OP now knows her bf and his friend are the type of men who put on a front of decency when they are in the company of women but voice their real derogatory and crude opinions about women in their men only conversations.

Personally I think using crass terms and phrases about the opposite sex IS being derogatory about them.

I’d be judging my boyfriend too, to be honest. That message didn’t come out of nowhere.

40 going on 15🤮
As pp have said you've been discussed.

I think you are over reacting. Friends (male and female) often use crass terms and phrases about the opposite sex that can be appreciative rather than derogatory. It sounds like he was telling your BF that he thought he was lucky to be with you. The texts were meant for your BF's eyes only. He wasn't saying them to your face or trying to humiliate you to others.

I doubt he’s used that language unprovoked? It must be how they speak with one another. Only you can decide if your happy with that.

I would go with the idea of asking the BFs friend outright if he thinks that is a reasonable and mature thing to say about his friends GF. Put him on the spot and see how he reacts.
I would want him to see that I find that sort of 'banter' unacceptable.
What the outcome is will make you decide how you see your BF going forward.

I would met with him again then ask why would he text such a comment.
This sort of crap ame from the friend who at 40 is kind of sad so let him explain and react.
How embarrsing

Grim - it says a lot about your boyfriend too. At least you know early on !

As the saying goes, you are the company you keep. They’re friends and know each other well. This man wouldn’t have sent this vile joke to your boyfriend if he knew it wouldn’t land well. It speaks volumes about who they both are and how they usually talk to each other about women.

They are best friends for several reasons.

If you want to bin one you should bin both.

There is no one my husband knows would send something like this, no the BF is not to blame for what a freind sends but this kind of wording would not be used in isolation, you honestly think this text is a total one off and not a regualr exchange of these types of comments?

There has never been any history/input previously from the BF

Sorry, I am going to disagree with most posters. There is a pile on here that says "bin the BF" because he has a mate that has sent an inappropriate text after probably a few drinks. It has made a noise in the taxi, and looking at it maybe wasn't the best thing (for BF or you). But it is probably a bit unfair on the BF to just bin him off because he has a stupid mate - give him chance to sort the situation. I completely get where people are coming from, but I think you need to decide whether BF (and friendship circle) is worthy before you just call time on it. But yes, you are not unreasonable to not bother with friend again, unless real apologies and amends were made. One stupid text from another party should not completely ruin what was or is a "good relationship" when they did not send the text in the first place.