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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my family and especially my brother to step up?

158 replies

Borntorunfast · 20/04/2026 18:47

80yo DM had a bad fall 16 days ago. Fell onto concrete, didn't put her hands out, knocked out, blood everywhere. I was with her and honestly thought for a moment she was dead. She had such severe concussion she couldn't walk for a week (too dizzy); she was bleeding from her face, nose and eye, and I've never seen a human eye look like her right eye - it was (and still is) full of blood.

She hasn't been able to see out of that eye since. She's been staying with me as she was too dizzy to be home alone, plus she can't see properly.

I've been putting eye drops in 7 times a day, taking her to the toilet, helping her wash and dress, cooking, washing, cleaning, driving hours and hours to the hospital and back (she's an hour away from me), trying to entertain her - while working full-time, caring for my children (both with additional needs). I cancelled Easter plans, work trip, birthday plans, because she can't be left alone. I worked the weekend to make up for the time spent taking her to the hospital during the week. I've researched her condition, started thinking about the future - she lives alone in the countryside, somewhere she needs a car.

Since the accident, my DB hasn't contacted me. At all. He's phoned mum a couple of times. He hasn't visited. He lives 4 hrs away, is apparently "very stressed", buying a house and feels a bit poorly - so in her mind it's OK he hasn't done a thing. I messaged him Friday saying: I need some help. He messaged back to say he was "exhausted" and he'd try and call me "maybe Saturday". He finally messaged me this morning, but only to say he was busy.

Mum saw the consultant this morning. She has lost the sight in her eye. This is not a surprise to me, ofc, because I've been putting drops in her shattered eye for a fortnight but my brother is apparently "shocked" (mum called him).

I am so so so angry. He always leaves everything to me. He did this with our dad. Every time things go tits up, I deal with it, and then he's very sorry, very grateful, says he will absolutely step up next time. But he never does.

What do I do? I feel so trapped. I don't want to care for her full-time. I can't. I won't. And yet she now can't see, can't drive, is skint (long story but my parents have always made all sorts of poor choices, almost all of which I end up paying for) - and DB gets to skip about being "stressed" when really the mental and physical load is 100% mine.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I guess I want to know AIBU to think it shouldn't be all on me? And WTF do I do?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 20/04/2026 19:13

If POA isn't in place it needs to be, as a matter of urgency.

Vaxtable · 20/04/2026 19:11

You speak to adult services and get a care plan in place. Be that she is in her own home with carers or ina care home

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/04/2026 19:09

Re: AUBU
No, your brother is selfish and your mother enables it.

Re: What should you do.
Ensure your mother's will is changed to compensate you fairly. Keep all receipts, meticulously document all you do for your mum, ie personal care, cooking, cleaning, phone calls, speaking on her behalf or assisting her at appts, time involved, mileage driven for everything including going to her home, what you give up, in short everything including all calls to your brother noting his excuses and refusals, preferably start messaging him/emailing so you have his written replies, all so you can contest the will and make a claim for compensation from the estate. I'd likely try to get something written from my mum promising reimbursement.

Or

Do everything out if the goodness of your heart, or what you can do

Or

Mum goes to a home

Being hamstrung for what to do is due to inaction for your own wants and needs and not wanting to rock the family boat while silently seething and dying of exhaustion.

rosycheex · 20/04/2026 19:08

What could you do and still have a life and time for your family. Think about what you want. Is it time to look at Care Homes. Perhaps the thought of DMs money going on care might make DB do something but I doubt it.

namechange3651 · 20/04/2026 19:03

I’m sorry OP.

I’m in a similarlish position - DM needs care and has moved in, my siblings don’t get involved at all. As much as it sucks (and trust me, after YEARS of thinking this is temporary, I do get it) he ‘owes’ her nothing, the same as none of us really owe our parents anything. You’re choosing to step up (and again, I get it doesn’t feel like a choice) but in reality if social workers/carers had to get involved because you refused, they’d sort something out.

If you think he wouldn’t let it get that far, I’d be tempted to call his bluff and say without help you’ll have to get adult social services involved as you can’t/won’t help any more - then when he panics make a more equitable plan. Unfortunately both my siblings wouldn’t care if that happened, so I’m a bit ‘stuck’ too.

Ponderingwindow · 20/04/2026 19:03

You have to accept that your brother isn’t going to upend his life. People have many reasons to not become caregivers and they aren’t always selfish.

then you need to decide how to manage your own life. What you are doing is not sustainable.

NotAnotherScarf · 20/04/2026 19:00

It's time for you to talk to your mum and tell her how you feel. That you don't mind looking after her, but that it can't all fall on you and that your brother needs to help.

I would then message him saying you are bringing mother to his tomorrow and he will need to look after her for a while to give you a break.

I've seen it many times. One child gets lumbered and the others tell everyone how much they do.

My wife is in a similar position, mil is 97. But is fit and fairly ok and lives only 10 minutes away. Wife had to go postal in January when we went away and discovered that her sister hadn't come to do mil washing (she's in a retirement complex with communal machines with a set timeslot for her use)

vincettenoir · 20/04/2026 18:53

I can only say the accident sounds horrible and I really feel for you and your mum for what you’re going through together. As for your brother, it sounds like he’s not going to be there for her. This must be hugely frustrating but I don’t know if there’s anything you can do to change the situation.