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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my family and especially my brother to step up?

158 replies

Borntorunfast · 20/04/2026 18:47

80yo DM had a bad fall 16 days ago. Fell onto concrete, didn't put her hands out, knocked out, blood everywhere. I was with her and honestly thought for a moment she was dead. She had such severe concussion she couldn't walk for a week (too dizzy); she was bleeding from her face, nose and eye, and I've never seen a human eye look like her right eye - it was (and still is) full of blood.

She hasn't been able to see out of that eye since. She's been staying with me as she was too dizzy to be home alone, plus she can't see properly.

I've been putting eye drops in 7 times a day, taking her to the toilet, helping her wash and dress, cooking, washing, cleaning, driving hours and hours to the hospital and back (she's an hour away from me), trying to entertain her - while working full-time, caring for my children (both with additional needs). I cancelled Easter plans, work trip, birthday plans, because she can't be left alone. I worked the weekend to make up for the time spent taking her to the hospital during the week. I've researched her condition, started thinking about the future - she lives alone in the countryside, somewhere she needs a car.

Since the accident, my DB hasn't contacted me. At all. He's phoned mum a couple of times. He hasn't visited. He lives 4 hrs away, is apparently "very stressed", buying a house and feels a bit poorly - so in her mind it's OK he hasn't done a thing. I messaged him Friday saying: I need some help. He messaged back to say he was "exhausted" and he'd try and call me "maybe Saturday". He finally messaged me this morning, but only to say he was busy.

Mum saw the consultant this morning. She has lost the sight in her eye. This is not a surprise to me, ofc, because I've been putting drops in her shattered eye for a fortnight but my brother is apparently "shocked" (mum called him).

I am so so so angry. He always leaves everything to me. He did this with our dad. Every time things go tits up, I deal with it, and then he's very sorry, very grateful, says he will absolutely step up next time. But he never does.

What do I do? I feel so trapped. I don't want to care for her full-time. I can't. I won't. And yet she now can't see, can't drive, is skint (long story but my parents have always made all sorts of poor choices, almost all of which I end up paying for) - and DB gets to skip about being "stressed" when really the mental and physical load is 100% mine.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I guess I want to know AIBU to think it shouldn't be all on me? And WTF do I do?

OP posts:
wheresthesnowgone · 20/04/2026 20:44

namechange3651 · 20/04/2026 19:03

I’m sorry OP.

I’m in a similarlish position - DM needs care and has moved in, my siblings don’t get involved at all. As much as it sucks (and trust me, after YEARS of thinking this is temporary, I do get it) he ‘owes’ her nothing, the same as none of us really owe our parents anything. You’re choosing to step up (and again, I get it doesn’t feel like a choice) but in reality if social workers/carers had to get involved because you refused, they’d sort something out.

If you think he wouldn’t let it get that far, I’d be tempted to call his bluff and say without help you’ll have to get adult social services involved as you can’t/won’t help any more - then when he panics make a more equitable plan. Unfortunately both my siblings wouldn’t care if that happened, so I’m a bit ‘stuck’ too.

He won't panic and he won't step up. He has no intention of doing any of the hard work.

Best thing would be to get social services involved and have your mother looked after in a care home where she will get 24-hour appropriate care

LazyTiger26 · 20/04/2026 20:41

My mum's four siblings choose not to even visit as apparently there always to busy and 2 families lived only 15mins away from my parents..they took in my grandad and grandma who had Parkinson's and Alzheimer's, my grandad passed last year and they couldn't been be bothered to turn up to the hospital on his last day..
My grans Alzheimer's is very bad now and she had to be fed, dressed,washed etc and my parents do it all, none of the grandchildren help other than my own siblings we take daily turns.
Some people are just selfish and quickly forget one day soon it will be them needing help

ThejoyofNC · 20/04/2026 20:40

You need to be uncooperative OP. Take her back to the hospital and refuse to have her home. You have 2 children with additional needs, you cannot provide the level of care she needs. Give them your brother's number and let them harass him. It will be hard for you because you've obviously been conditioned to be an involuntary carer but you need to think of yourself too.

nomas · 20/04/2026 20:39

Borntorunfast · 20/04/2026 20:08

How can they live with themselves? I just don't get it. My DB talks about how much he loves his parents, he was 'devastated' when our dad died, but he did bugger all. How can he not see the cognitive dissonance?

Show quote history

Because they see care as a woman’s job.

Will you try and get her into a care home?

The most you can do is refuse to have him at your house. If he wants to see his mum, he can take her out.

MoveDownMoveDown · 20/04/2026 20:37

@Borntorunfast does your DM own her own house?

Mumsworkneverdone · 20/04/2026 20:34

Hi Op,

I'm sorry if this is happening to you. I would absolutely refuse to speak to your brother. By him making the odd pathetic phone call he’s kidding himself that he cares when he doesn’t. He’s not helping at all so what benefits is he, cut him out your life. Best to plan like he’s not there at all, and think about the best plan for you and your mum,

Original poster
Borntorunfast · 20/04/2026 20:32

Thanks everyone. I'm not optimistic about adult social care - they are truly shocking in our area. We had a real battle with my dad. At one point we got 6 weeks of free care, only for dad's social worker to cancel it after 4 weeks, replacing it with a paid service that we only found out about when they started invoicing my dad. I raised merry hell but it took months and they threatened my mum with legal action - at the point dad was actively dying at home from cancer - so as you can imagine I don't have much faith in them. They ignore calls and emails and do all they can to do... well, nothing. I always thought there was a welfare state but in our area it's barely functional.

OP posts:
BruFord · 20/04/2026 20:28

I agree that you need to get Adult Social Care involved to determine the level of support your Mum needs going forward. If she doesn't receive Attendance Allowance, that's also something you can apply for as it sounds as if she'll be eligible (Age UK are helpful with this process).

Re. Your brother. I'd phone him and clearly explain that you're unable to provide long-term care for your Mum and a care needs assessment in her home must be arranged to determine what can/should be organized for her. Then contact the adult social services department in her area to schedule the assessment. Give them his contact information as well as yours as you're both her next of kin.

Perhaps when a professional explains to him what your Mum needs, he might grasp how serious the situation is.

dontmalbeconme · 20/04/2026 20:24

MMO · 20/04/2026 20:11

Definitely just drop her off with him. Even if he has to return with her same day. He needs to accept it's 50% his role as well. Don't allow them to bully you into it. Take a huge step back if you can....the sooner the better.

It would achieve nothing, and it's illegal to co-erce someone to be a carer. He does not need to accept it as his role.

He chooses how much he is willing and able to do (which might be nothing).

OP chooses how much she is willing and able to do (which might be nothing).

The gap needs to be filled by carers (either paid for by OP's Mum, or ASC depending on the outcome of the financial assessment.

No-one is obligated to be an unpaid carer.

Zanatdy · 20/04/2026 20:12

The LA will have to provide care if your DM cannot afford it if she is unable to care for herself. You need to get the ball rolling with regard to organising this. I think you just have to accept DB will leave it all to you. Not right, not fair, but I doubt he will change now.

MMO · 20/04/2026 20:11

Definitely just drop her off with him. Even if he has to return with her same day. He needs to accept it's 50% his role as well. Don't allow them to bully you into it. Take a huge step back if you can....the sooner the better.

dontmalbeconme · 20/04/2026 20:08

NotAnotherScarf · 20/04/2026 19:00

It's time for you to talk to your mum and tell her how you feel. That you don't mind looking after her, but that it can't all fall on you and that your brother needs to help.

I would then message him saying you are bringing mother to his tomorrow and he will need to look after her for a while to give you a break.

I've seen it many times. One child gets lumbered and the others tell everyone how much they do.

My wife is in a similar position, mil is 97. But is fit and fairly ok and lives only 10 minutes away. Wife had to go postal in January when we went away and discovered that her sister hadn't come to do mil washing (she's in a retirement complex with communal machines with a set timeslot for her use)

Ridiculous. It is in fact illegal to co-erce someone to be a carer, everyone has the right to choose how much (or how little) they are able to offer.

Simply put, OP, you need to decide what you are/are not able and willing to do, and stick to your boundaries.

Sounds like your Mum needs Adult Social Care involved.

Original poster
Borntorunfast · 20/04/2026 20:08

ExpatDaughter · 20/04/2026 19:56

Oh OP that sounds very stressful for you and your poor mum.
My sibling is absolutely useless at stepping up for our mum and in the end i literally screamed at him for 20 minutes on the phone and told him to go and see her and help out.

He did afaik, but not very much. I live in a different country and work full time, and yet over the last 3 years (she has declined sharply in this time) he has been twice. He lives an hour away.

How can they live with themselves? I just don't get it. My DB talks about how much he loves his parents, he was 'devastated' when our dad died, but he did bugger all. How can he not see the cognitive dissonance?

OP posts:
Original poster
Borntorunfast · 20/04/2026 20:06

Thanks everyone. There is no money - nothing. There will be no will to contest, and no financial incentive for DB to act. It also means she's not able to pay for care and social services won't get involved at this point (I know, as we had such a battle with my dad). Social care in our area is a joke - really bad. It's not my first rodeo there!

I am just so angry. We had the most horrendous few years with my dad before he died. None of this is new, or a surprise. And while I don't expect DB to get involved in the day to day, I DO expect him to at least stay informed about what's happening to HIS mother.

But yes, I need to accept he won't change. I need to find a way to deal with this anger. I need to find a way for my wants and needs to be met because this anger, this fury, isn't good for me. Or for my mum, who I do love and for whom I do want the best.

OP posts:
ExpatDaughter · 20/04/2026 19:56

Oh OP that sounds very stressful for you and your poor mum.
My sibling is absolutely useless at stepping up for our mum and in the end i literally screamed at him for 20 minutes on the phone and told him to go and see her and help out.

He did afaik, but not very much. I live in a different country and work full time, and yet over the last 3 years (she has declined sharply in this time) he has been twice. He lives an hour away.

WhatNoRaisins · 20/04/2026 19:46

Agree with PP that different people are going to have different limits on what sort of care they can do. You need to get in touch with adult social services.

nochance17 · 20/04/2026 19:46

You need to involve adult social care and start talking to your mum about care homes. They will not expect you to devote your life to this. Doesn’t matter that she is skint, she can apply for funding, they will do an assessment and it will go from there.

PoppinjayPolly · 20/04/2026 19:34

JC89 · 20/04/2026 19:22

The current situation isn't working and it sounds like DB is being selfish. But would your DM allow him to help her go to the toilet and wash? DGM did not allow her sons to do this, only her daughters and DILs . Your Mum might be more comfortable with a carer doing intimate care, her dignity is important too. It shouldn't fall on you to do everything, but it might be that you need professional help whether that's carers or a care home.

This, did your mum end up in hospital? Am assuming she did for the concussion diagnosis. Did they talk about the level Nov care required on discharge, as what would have been the plan if you also lived far away?

Dillydollydingdong · 20/04/2026 19:23

DB lives 4 hours away. That's probably 200 miles. A long way for someone to get involved in day to day care of your poor DM. And yes, look into respite care for her. Maybe DB can contribute towards the cost of care? I'll

JC89 · 20/04/2026 19:22

The current situation isn't working and it sounds like DB is being selfish. But would your DM allow him to help her go to the toilet and wash? DGM did not allow her sons to do this, only her daughters and DILs . Your Mum might be more comfortable with a carer doing intimate care, her dignity is important too. It shouldn't fall on you to do everything, but it might be that you need professional help whether that's carers or a care home.

Terfedout · 20/04/2026 19:20

You sound like a lovely and unselfish person, a person I don't have the capacity to be sadly.

You are choosing to care for your mum. Your brother is effectively setting a boundary. The same boundary I would also set, as I'm not cut out or prepared to offer adult care under any circumstances. If he doesn't want to do the care, you can't make him. You can only decide what you are willing to offer.

It sounds to me like she has to go into a home, or have significant outside care at home. You will break yourself trying to do this and work full time.

Very best of luck whatever you decide to do.

Motheranddaughter · 20/04/2026 19:19

All you can do is decide what you can do and do that
You cannot make your brother step up ( voice of bitter experience x2 )
Get a referral to Social work for help to bridge the gaps

Jamlighter · 20/04/2026 19:17

Make sure you have applied for carer's allowance as a starting point and either you receive it or she uses it to source additional help if she doesn't want to go into supported accommodation

I8toys · 20/04/2026 19:16

Does she have money for care? Can you get her into a home for respite until you decide what you want to do? Definitely get her assessed by social services. Also POA for both health and welfare.

LakieLady · 20/04/2026 19:14

Vaxtable · 20/04/2026 19:11

You speak to adult services and get a care plan in place. Be that she is in her own home with carers or ina care home

This, absolutely.

And your brother is bloody selfish, OP.