To expect my family and especially my brother to step up?

You know he isn't going to step up, OP. And that's just the way it is. And the sooner you accept this, the better.

You can't force someone to help care for an elderly parent. It is a choice, and if they don't want to do it, then nobody can make them. You are making a different choice. But it is a choice, even if it might not always feel like one.

My dd is seething with anger towards my sister because she doesn't think dsis does enough to support me with our elderly dad. I can understand dd's perspective and I know that she worries about the burden on me, but it doesn't serve me to be angry. It doesn't make the job of caring for my dad any easier. It is just wasted emotion.

I have come to terms with the fact that we all do what we are comfortable with doing. No more, no less. It will be much easier for you if you can somehow let your expectations of your brother go.

OP you need to accept that you cannot change your brothers actions (or inactions) so you must let that go. Then look at going forwards. He can be guided by his conscience, you use yours.

Either you are willing to continue this level of care - or more (personally I would not be and honestly even if you try you are likely to burn out) or you accept you cannot long term going forwards.

I’d ask for a care assessment from SS on the basis you can no longer provide her care and you will be returning her to her own home in 2 weeks. Keep hassling, keep harassing. Hopefully SS will arrange something in the 2 weeks. If not, I’m afraid after 2 weeks you must return her to her home. Tell SS you have done so and that you are informing them that she is not adequately supported now and is an urgent safeguarding risk. By all means check on her. You want the best for her I know. If something is desperately wrong call SS again. Call her GP, take her to hospital - whatever is needed to get her help. Do NOT take her back to you or stop over at her house.

i’d communicate once to your brother that you will be ending support in 2 weeks. When he asks what will happen say ‘I don’t know’ - can she come to you?’ Then I wouldn’t communicate again regarding your mum. If he wants to know something he can call. If he asks you, keep saying ‘I don’t know’ and give him the contact details of SS.

I agree with PP, post in elderly parents board, lots of very knowledgeable and experienced posters over there.

My understanding is that you literally have to tell them you she has no help and walk away in order to get her help. It’ll be hard but I think that’s the only way to get them to act.

Besides anything I think someone as unwell as this elderly woman is would not do well on a 4 hour car journey.

You’ll get realistic advice from people who have actual experience of this situation on the Elderly Parents board @Borntorunfast. It’s very clear as someone who’s been in your shoes that you’re not getting it here.

This. The DB lives 4 hours away, presumably works etc. not that that matters anyway, if he doesn’t want to help that’s his choice. Op, if you are not happy with how much you do, you do less. Get carers in, or maybe your mum needs to go to a Home. You’ll be better able to support her in a daughter way rather than as a carer, be more relaxed, etc.

YANBU in thinking that everything shouldn’t have to be on you but YABU in thinking your DB, or indeed either of you, have to do anything. Neither of you has to. Your DM may need carers at home to support her, and contacting Social Services adult care team will set the wheels in motion for this.

Ring the GP and ask for an assessment from Occupational therapy. They were fantastic when my mum was ill and living with me . Your brother is not going to help and it's better to accept this . Your poor Mum must be very frightened about her future .

I've no experience of taking someone to hospital for social care but when my DM was repeatedly admitted to hospital because of falls I ended up saying she could not go home again. The hospital had a social worker who placed her in a temporary care home while something more permanent was sorted. My siblings and I had all helped out but had jobs and family and we weren't prepared to jeopardise those. She's now in a brilliant care home which requires a small top up. She's healthier, happy and more importantly, safe.
Your DB is selfish and useless. No point in wishing he wasn't, he's obviously not going to change.
Can you get your DM's GP involved? Tell her your DM is a safeguarding risk and social services need to be involved. Good luck OP.

I remember with a grandparent it got to the point where me, DM and sibling had to refuse phone calls from the hospital. They really try to push family to do the care however inappropriate and you have to have really strong boundaries unless you are willing to do it.

OP you are fighting losing battle because you can't force anyone to care. Your brother lives 4 hours away and has made it clear he won't get involved so don't waste anymore energy on him.

Instead I would focus on what happens to your mum long term and set up your own boundaries. This could mean professional carers, a social service assessment or accepting that your mother might no longer be able to live independently.

The hospital should have done an assessment before just letting her go home rather than just assuming you would be able to do everything...which is why you need to speak up now.

If you hadn't agreed to /been able to take a week off work to look after her then a different plan would have been formulated though. At least in theory.

Did they not offer a package of care to discharge her from hospital? What would’ve happened if you weren’t there?

I don't think it's the boundaries tho? it is the total and utter lack of interest in a serious injury to his mother. Mine does that. "oh she had a fall, she'll be right"
Indeed she was after a week in hospital with a broken leg and me taking emergency leave to look after at home for a week.

This. Your brother has boundaries, you should emulate this (even if you set yours in a slightly different place).

Take her to the hostipal by her home and tell them shes not safe alone, nobody lives with her and unfortunately you just need to leave her there alone or they will aruge with you and try and put it all on you. Social services then will be required to step in.

in my brother's case? he has some issues of his own i guess, we haven't been close in a very long time.

My issue with him (as with other family memebers) is they know where i live. This has never been an issue with my mum who fully accepts that her children must live their lives (she and my dad were military, so we moved around a lot, settling near family has never ever featured in our lives. She is fine with that, as am i)

But. Other family members who have visited her, say, for the first time in 5 years, are shocked at her decline (tbh the last 2 years have been very steep) and calling me to tell me i have to move back (eh?) and take better care of her. And when i point out she has a son nearby-ish, it gets to "yes but you're the daughter". A sexist fuck-up of thinking that my mum (very staunch 2nd wave feminist - we used to go on demos together) is very very much against.

Hence i let my frustration get the better of me when it all got too much a few months ago and screamed at sibling. I am not proud of it, but at least he went to see her. Once.

ETA: i have managed, finally, to get adult social services to take notice and the wheels are slowly turning. One of my mum's siblings is sort of coordinating it, but he and i are adamant when any of the agencies try to force him into the "carer" role that we both push back very hard. Working so far. My mum is blithely unaware of the struggles to get her help, and still adamant that she is fine "with a few little difficulties".

Now your mum is alone @Borntorunfast maybe adult social care will be more willing to help?

He doesn't have to accept anything. OP doesn't have to accept anything either. He's also not bullying OP into anything.

Be prepared for some significant guilt tripping if your mum goes into care.

@Cyclebabble Yes, it's funny how people who haven't actually provided any care themselves can be judgmental when a relative goes into a home.

Hi OP, I am a carer for my husband with dementia. Being a carer full time is incredibly taxing and your own life has to go on hold. I would think really carefully before you take this on. I read your comment that SS will not get involved, but if you get a formal assessment and are clear you cannot commit to care then they have to. Depending on finances, you could agree with your brother that he will fund some support costs. A few hours a day from a carer. On the advice of my LA I used the UKCIL site which allows you to advertise and contract with carers directly. Your experience that relatives disappear really quickly when there is care work to do is entirely consistent with my experience and that of others. Be prepared for some significant guilt tripping if your mum goes into care.

Sounds a nightmare all round. You say care homes in your area are bad but your mum lives an hour away. Have I got that right? So have you looked at those local to you (or vice versa)? Care homes on the council list include privately owned ones so worth looking at? Unfortunately another task to add to your many!

Sadly it inevitably falls on one sibling. My mum & dad do the bulk of the caring for my nan even though Dads sister lives 10 mins away and mum & dad are 40 mins away! 😭
Can you get social services involved to pay for cares to visit your mum?

Someone needs to have had difficulties with personal care or have care needs for six months before Attendance Allowance can be claimed so I think it would depend if op's mum had problems before this fall, if not they will need to wait until six months has passed unfortunately. DWP are pretty strict on this rule. It does seem daft at times as someone could have a bad stroke and be totally dependent and still have to wait unless not expected to live for 12 months.
Op you should definitely request a care needs assessment through adult social care and if she has no money then this should mostly be paid for.
It may also help to get a benefit check done by Age Uk or similar, Older people are often missing out on things like pension creidt and council tax support.

Take her home and then phone for a social admission to hospital on the grounds she isn't safe alone and there is no one living with her. They will argue but they have to take her and then social services will have to find her something.

@Borntorunfast Even if they're rubbish, I'd still schedule an assessment just to see what can be provided and to make it clear to your brother that you simply can't continue caring for your Mum, outside help is needed.

Don't forget about the Attendance Allowance, your Mum is likely to be eligible, and it'll help cover the services that she needs.

Attendance Allowance: Overview - GOV.UK