To expect my family and especially my brother to step up?

The brother can say no, can’t he? It’s a suggestion to be specific about what would help op in the immediate term after over two weeks of her doing everything. Essentially op is being forced into doing all the care because the brother is awol. It’s NOT bullying to say this is what I need, can you do it.

Of course the longer term plan needs to be determined… But op said brother said he wishes he does more - so tell him when and how he can be useful.

It's illegal to pressure or co-erce someone into being a carer, so that's really not a good route for OP to take.

She gets to decide how much caring she is prepared to do, and that is all.

She does not have the right to decide how much caring anyone else does (or should do), and it's abhorrant behaviour to try to bully someone into doing more than they are willing and able to offer.

Professional care is needed.

This is incredibly tough

At this point you need some rest and some breathing space. Have you tried prescribing what you need from brother eg “you must come on Friday til Sunday, I need you to sit with mum, I will be having a walk in a park by myself and then catching up on chores.”

Then next week “we need to start to have a plan for where mum goes. You can research abc and I will do xyz.”

We (or rather I) do this with BiL who is just terribly busy with his three day work week and all his hobbies…

When DH’s father was ill, we were the other end of the country, and there was little we could do to help.

I disagree that the brother is selfish per se. He lives 4 hours away and presumably works 4 hours away too. He many not have realised how permanent and serious an injury it was. He has been in touch with your mother on a number of occasions. She may well have been downplaying it and told him there was no need to come up. You say he hasn't called you but I assume then you haven't called him either. If your mother was telling him she was fine he would have no reason to believe otherwise.

I live in a different country to my parents and sister and my parents would always downplay any illness so I would always check in with my sister as to the real situation. Fortunately my parents were wealthy enough for them to be able to afford help (cleaner/nurse etc) when required if it was going ro be longer than a very short period where my sister who worked full time could cope.

If you don't want to continue with caring responsibilities then it is time to work out whether it is time for a home care package or a care home. If as you say your mother does not have the money for this then it should be that she qualifies for state assistance to make what she needs happen especially now loss of sight has occurred.

Your parents have made poor life choices you say. Living remotely for example. And is now 80! What were her plans for coping as she aged?
Has she money? Can go into a carehome for respite while she takes stock and faces reality? I hope as a parent with busy adult children some distance away this is what I would do.
Your anger and frustration is misplaced.

Brutally, because I've been there with my mil, sell her house and find her a lovely home. Contact Adult social care and her gp and seek support. It sounds like you have enough with the dc. Tell your dB he has to come to help clear the house. I'm sorry you're in this position, your poor mum! Poor you!

Based on experience of this, everyone has a different threshold for what they can and cannot offer an elderly parent in this situation. You cannot force your brother to change his boundaries, you can only focus on you - what you are able and willing to do and what you are not. If you are not able to do what you feel is needed, then paid care is your option (if social services won’t get involved) and
perhaps paying towards that is a way your brother can contribute if he can’t be more
hands on.
Lots of people are not willing or able to become carers for a whole range of reasons and that doesn’t necessarily make them selfish or awful people.
when my mum was dying - and wanted to die at home - I was there and did lots of personal care for her. My sister, who lived much closer than me, didn’t have the ability to cope with it, but I did. I didn’t feel angry with her, I just accepted that we are different people with different boundaries and different stuff going on our our lives. It definitely didn’t mean that she loved our mum any less than I do.
I have a different relationship with my dad though, and there is no way I would be willing to offer the same care and support to him that I did for our mum.
Obviously I don’t know your brother OP, so I don’t know anything about his reasons.

@dontmalbeconme @labamba007 I know what you're saying, I just get grumpy about siblings letting one person organize everything because I'm now in the age group (50's) when many of us are dealing with elderly and infirm parents.

I know too many people IRL who are getting lumbered while their siblings deliberately ignore the situation - and it's not because someone was the "golden child", they're just selfish.

Last year, for example, one of my close friends had to tell her sister that she was close to a breakdown trying to organize everything for their Mum after she had a stroke and was also diagnosed with mild dementia. Her sister lives in the same town as their Mum, has adult children, and knew full well how ill their Mum was. It was only when she realized that my friend really was close to breaking point that she stepped up. Neither of them physically care for their Mum full-time, they have carers coming in, but the mental load is alot. I don't know how people can watch their sibling struggle like that, but it seems to happen. I suppose they don't care about either their parent(s) nor their sibling.

Caring responsibilities are totally, utterly shit for most people. I swear if ever have to do it again I'll leave the country. We too had a horrendous time as a family before DF passed away - 7 years of having to care for him to my mothers exact specifications - writing every movement and sentence down in a notebook and her assuming we would be happy to wash his penis and clean his bottom after a poo, without asking us how we felt - ever, amongst other things. If she wanted to do those things, fair enough, it was her husband, but it was my DAD. Not the same. Now she's in decline and losing her sight/doesn't drive/is becoming more and more dependent upon my sibling and me. I can't spend an hour with her without wanting to scream. We don't get on, I don't like her (adored my DDad), would have had him living with me had it been necessary but the resentment I have been left with now he's gone, largely down to her, just won't dissipate. I think it is probably easier if you enjoyed the company of the parent you are caring for, which was the case with my dad, albeit caring for him was horrific at times, and she made it worse. It's harder for me to come to terms with how I feel because my sibling has a much better relationship with DM, and for no particular reason, they just have more in common. If my DM was a sweet little old lady then it would be a different ballgame. She's more like the local Headmistress with no humour whatsoever. Sorry OP, that turned into my own rant. I don't think you can do much re your brother - all siblings relationships are different and we can only deal with what we can change. I have now put up certain boundaries, courage aided by Sertraline which I had to go on, to cope with the whole family dynamics/dads illnesses, but I'm glad that I have tried this as I've realised it's the only way I won't go mad moving forward. It's almost ruined my sibling and my relationship for good-prior to caring we barely had a cross word. It could simply be that your brother just doesn't care. Amazing how caring almost always falls on the females in the family.

Being a next of kin does not obligate someone to be a carer, either physically hands on or from a distance organising etc.

It is entirely up to OP's brother to choose to what level he is willing and able to help, which might be "not at all". Likewise OP gets to make that choice for herself.

No one, not a sibling, a parent, a friend, Social Services or a bunch of strangers on the internet gets to dictate what care someone else has to provide. It is in fact, for good reason, illegal to pressure or co-erce someone into providing care that they are not willing and feel able to offer.

It was why 50% really.

Why must children match what their siblings do?

Of course I don’t know OP or her family, but even though parents are the same people they can treat their children very differently.

I have a relative whose mother was shocked she wouldn’t step up - when she was always the scapegoat and treated terribly. Her golden child brother didn’t step up his mum either.

Know one has an obligation to help their parents. I will do with mine because we have a great relationship. But it’s my choice.

Someone needs to have had care needs/ difficulties for six months before Attendance Allowance can be claimed. This may be the case but if op's mum was fine and self caring before this fall, she will need to wait six months.

If you haven't already, apply for Attendance Allowance for her.

Social Prescribers at her GP surgery can help with this or your council's Money Advice Unit.

If you can't manage she will need to be assessed for a care home. If your brother lives four hours away I dont think he can be realsistically expected to give much practical help.

@labamba007 Their Mum has two next of kin, the OP and her brother so they can both be involved. It doesn't mean that he needs to be a carer but expecting the OP to do organize everything is unfair.

I'm an only but if I had a sibling, I would expect them to help me out with my Dad.

you can't just drop someone off at their adult child's home and expect anyone to be happy with that.

Bottom line: he should care about his mum and display a bit of interest in her welfare. But he doesn'T, so he is out of the equation.

OP has limited capacity to support her mum, even if she wants to be there and support her in everything. So it is up to mum (with OPs help) to get help from the right agencies.

Why is it 50% his role?

Clearly you are not in a postition to provide your Mum with the care she needs. The more you agree to do, the less likely you Mum is to recieve the proper care she needs. It is unrealistic to think you can share the care with someone that lives so far away. You need to be clear with ASC that you cannot help and need them to step in.

Hey you poor soul both you and your Mum. Sounds like your brother is not going to help. Seems time to get intouch with social services and look at either a care package in your mums home or a care home. As horrible as it is.

Tell them you're not willing to be her carer. They are so short staffed and resources are so tight, they will fob you of constantly. Just remain adamant your not looking after her. This is going to take ages to sort. ❤️ Been there with my dad. Good luck.

Well there’s two issues.

Not wanting to be a carer - reasonable, nothing anyone can do about it.

Not caring that his mother is injured - unreasonable, but also nothing anyone can do about it.

I agree with this.

You say you understand your brother is far away and all you want is for him to stay informed about the situation - but I don't think that's really true because how what real difference would that make to you? You're stressed and resentful.

You're taking on too much and you're enabling the NHS to discharge your mum by saying you'll take time off work to look after her. SS will not do anything to help if there's someone else willing to step up. They probably decided your mum could look after your dad and that's why you had so much trouble getting help there.

You need to be absolutely clear that you are not prepared to help in any way if you want them to step up. It's not your brother you should be angry with, he can't be doing an 8 hour round trip to help out whenever it's needed. You're just using him as a scapegoat because you feel guilty about not being able to do it all.

He doesn't want to be a carer and that is not unreasonable, you have the exactly the same choice. It sounds like you had fairly feckless parents that made poor decisions and you were frequently bailing out and who didn't prepare in any way for old age - and now you're angry at your brother?

At that time I was still on my twice a year visits. I had no idea what goes on in UK (Here it would be an automatic discussion), my mum had told them she was fine and would ask her DCs if needed (without saying where I am)

I'm much more clued up now and assume I'm pretty much on my own arranging things.

To be clear,I am not insisting my brother is a carer. But I do expect his contact to be more than Moonpig birthday & Christmas cards (that his wife sends)

I suspect OP will have to do the same as me.

OP, you contact Social Services, charities, any organisation you can think of, to arrange for your mother to have support to move back to her own home OR to go into residential care. It is not your job, nor responsibility, to look after her, and therefore it isn't your brother's responsibility either.