To expect my family and especially my brother to step up?

@WhatCanIWatchOnNetflix So what will happen to their Mum?

This is the part that I can't understand - when an elderly person needs support, it doesn't just get arranged, someone has to do the arranging, make the inquiries, advocate for their parent, etc. Of course, many people can't take on personal care, that's fair enough, but if one sibling refuses to get involved at all, who's going to make the necessary arrangements?

When people talk about boundaries, what they're really saying is that I'm OK dumping the full mental load on someone else (in this case, his sister), because they don't give a shit about them. That's the truth of the matter!

If there's literally no one to dump the load onto, it falls onto an overstretched person in Social Services, who is unlikely to have the time to do much except arrange the minimum care that the elderly person is entitled to.

Personally, I think something's gone wrong in society if middle-aged adults can't be arsed to do anything for their ailing parents.

Could she go to him once every couple of months for week long break?. This happens in my family. Mum lives near sister who does most stuff. Me and sibling live away, not as long as 4 hours. We take turns having mum with us to give my sister a break. Mim doesn't want to go into a home.

No I would no, but I'd be telling him I was just to show him how pissed off I am

Not up to him to pay for her care. DM can pay, or if she has savings below the threshold, ASC will pay.

He doesn't need to do that either, if he doesn't want to. Neither does OP. Hand it over to ASC, they have a legal duty here.

He won't step up. My DB, who is the golden child, called me after elderly DF had a serious accident & in ICU to ask if DF would die, because he wasn't driving the 3 hours otherwise. He did turn up as I had a go - for 12 hours & visited DF for 30 minutes. He had to go home to go surfing with his DC, apparently. DM has changed her tune on DB & told DF off, who was still calling me horrible names. I walked out & refused until he applied & DM gave him a rare serve on which child was helping him, because it wasn't his precious son!!

DH is the same. FIL had an (unnecessary) op right before Easter. We had to come back from our holiday because he was unwell. SIL turned up for 24 hours, talked about their long haul holiday they'd just booked & went home to her fancy job & house. DH is doing everything.

Both will still put hands out for their inheritance and DB actually has gotten penis heirlooms, some worth a lot of money, so will get more.

DH & I have accepted siblings won't step up. We did 5 years with MIL, so far 3 with FIL, and my parents to go. DM is likely to live to 100 like her DM.

It's lots of people on here who are saying he 'must', 'needs to' do "his share" and that you should dump your DM at his who I'm mostly replying to. They are literally advocating that you bully and co-erce him into taking on an unpaid caring role that he's made it clear he's unwilling to do. They are very wrong to advise you to do that.

What he can do is sort out an alternative plan then. Why should it all be on OP because she is the daughter and lives closest?

So sorry OP. Get him to contribute financially if he won't in other ways?

I can relate to this and I’ve cut off relatives for this. Watching relatives go on holiday while their parent was actively pass away, and refusing to help at all in the years leading up, but somehow making time to come to the funeral, was maddening for me. People are happy to cry about someone when they’re gone but won’t actually do the work to help them while they’re here.

Your brother will be unlikely to step up. I don't understand how you can be that way. Two of my siblings excused themselves from supporting our parent. They left it to my other sister and me.

The only silver lining is, they cannot rewrite history and said they didn't know or wish things had been made clear. I rang them both and told them. Clearly and without anger. They were being unfair and dismissing themselves from the critical care situation was despicable. I told them afterwards I would never forgive them and I haven't. Not just because of our parent, but they abandoned me and our sister.

They are limited people. We are still in contact, on my terms. I wouldn't ask them for anything and wouldn't give it either.

So sorry this is happening to you. X

That’s not how it works. The brother lives 4 hours away. It’s not a solution.

Yes your brother should help, no it is not likely he will. You can tell him what you think about that but I can’t imagine it’ll achieve much (though I would!) What you need to do is decide what you do have capacity to do, without resentment, and set up outside carers to take care of her the rest of the time. You are doing more than enough in the short term but that’s not realistic long term. It’s also not your responsibility to manage her life for her. Speak with her about what you can realistically do and ask her to start to make a plan for her next stage of life. As hard as it sounds, you don’t actually have to do more than you want to.

I didn't think working people got this? If things have changed/I'm wrong, fair enough.
For those people saying go to adult services, be careful. I've known someone forced into a care home where she didn't want to be, and the social trying to take all her money and house.
As for your brother, sometimes people seem to say men shouldn't take care of others-I've seen people say it's weird they'd want to look after children, or even their own mum, and some women don't want men looking after them. I am not saying I agree with that, or that it is fair, but it's sometimes true. I would look into hiring a private carer to help with supporting her-if he lives 4 hours away and works FT, even if he wanted to help, there's not much he could do long-term.

Right. Your going to move an 80yr old woman 4hrs away from her medical care because her son is being shit. That's hardly a solution.

Adult Social care is not free @Borntorunfast , but it is financially assessed. Engage with the process and go through the financial assessment process.

It is not social workers fault that the care is chargeable, that is the legislation they have to work with. You have to accept that it works according to the care act and not the way you would like it to.

Your mum's accident sounds awful, what a terrible time for you all.

Try social services again and ask the GP to signpost to organisations that can help your mum.

YABU. You need to decide how much you’re willing to help, regardless of whether your brother does or not. Your brother is 4 hours away and has told you he is busy. Do what you’re willing and able to do. It’s not for you to decide what others should do.

I know you mentioned consultant but have you taken her to ‘Eye Casualty’ at your local major eye department? Should be in the closest city to wherever you are. My 81 yr old mother has had to go to Eye Casualty after a fall due to it affecting the transplants in her eyes.

I must say I know I won't be doing much care for my father if and when the time comes and I think that will cause problems with my sister who is a lot closer to him and will ne expecting me to help her probably more than I will be willing to.
We had different relationships with him, she thinks he's great, I think he's a pretty absent father and never went out of his way to do anything for me, never shows any interest in me or my family. He's the same with her but she just says that's who he is and she loves him. I think he should have done a lot better.

But anyway that will be my problem in the future but I agree with others, he doesn't need to provide care and it's not really logistically possible as his life and home is hundreds of miles away. It doesn't mean you have to step in and do everything, you do what you are comfortable doing, good luck with sorting social care.

Of course, you are correct and we all bow down to your astute application of the law.

Back in the real world, seems the majority of us have a reasonable understanding of family dynamics and that MN threads arent intended as verbatim scripts and are prepared to call out shucking firkers.

He doesn't "NEED" to do anything. No one is obligated to be an unpaid carer, and it's illegal to try to co-erce or pressurize someone into being one.

Well, "you MUST..." isn't an sppropriate way to deal with it.

By all means ask, but accept "No" as an answer.

No-one is forcing OP to do anything. She is also well within her rights to say "No".

Professional care, paid for by either OP's DM or ASC (depending on the outcome of a financial assessment) is what is needed here.

I would write him a message telling him exactly what you’ve said here and saying he needs to take her for a while.
All three of you need to sit down and decide what the future plan for your mum is.

I really sympathise OP, it is 100% the pattern that the brother does nothing. My mil had an operation that went wrong and my mother (who already has my dad to look after) was staying with her and helping to eg wash her hair. Her other son lives two streets away. I messaged him to ask if he could pop in and Mil was delighted and still talks about how great he was for visiting her that time she was ill. Neither me or mum have ever had the heart to tell her it was because I essentially ordered him to go round there and relieve my mum.