To expect my family and especially my brother to step up?

It was, because it was 2 against 1. Mother refused to have carers, so without Sister being on board to "persuade" her, carers weren't an option. I arranged a gardener, but Mother literally threw him off her premises. There's no way she'd have had a carer in the house without both Sister and I being there the first few times to get her used to it (force her to accept it) as Mother always played us off against each other and it was a thankless task getting anything done without a "joint" effort.

As it was, when she was blue lighted to hospital, she kept ripping off her IV drip and tried to walk out in just her nightgown several times when we weren't there to literally keep her on the trolley in A&E. Finally, Sister finally stepped up to do her bit as I literally couldn't be there 24/7 for the 48 hours she was stuck on a trolley in an A&E corridor with the staff just waiting for her to die!

Yes, this. In hindsight, I wish I'd done this.

They only do, when relatives agree to plug the gap. Otherwise they'd be committing Corporate Manslaughter.

If you give an inch, yes, they take advantage.

They have a duty to arrange care, and will do so if no relative steps up. They have no choice, whatever they might tell you.

They can and do. I imagine it’s far worse now than it was when I was in that position.

You sister couldn't "refuse to agree to carers", because that wasn't her decision to make.

You could have (and should have) refused to provide care that was more than what you were willing and able to do. As should I have done.

The answer here is not that both/all the siblings run themselves ragged providing unsustainable levels of care. It's that professional carers needed to be engaged (and if necessary paid for), and that caring should absolutely not be expected of relatives (unless they have a particular desire to do it, and they can only make that choice for themself, not for their siblings).

In our case we refused to go to the hospital when they were admitted or talk to them until a package was put in place. It didn't feel good but we were advised that it was the only way that we could get social services to help. We simply didn't live near enough to provide regular support with things like shopping or laundry.

Then raise it as a safeguarding concern. They can't do that.

No, as someone who did it for 3 years and it nearly broke her. If I could go back in time I would say no from the outset and maintain my boundaries. It started as a bit of shopping, helping round the house, help to wash hair, and ended up as full time personal care literally forced and guilted upon me. It was an awful, horrific time. It ruined my relationship with DPs, and has deeply sullied my memories of them. I'd advise anyone simply not to do it.

I think you should seriously consider respite care so that you could get your life back for a few weeks. The nursing homes I looked at a little while ago generally don't allow stays of less than 2 weeks. I don't think your brother will help so I would get calling round all homes in the sort of radius you'd be happy with. And expect to pay a fortune but you will appreciate it.

For everyone, including the one needing care, it's better to get a package of professional care in place, rather than relatives running themselves ragged trying to take on an unsustainable job.

Says someone who’s never done it. The care package has to be managed. Sometimes the carers just don’t show up. Professional carers don’t do shopping, laundry, financial management, medical appointments and a whole plethora of other things. The only way @Badbadbunny’s sister could have “boundaries” was because she was shouldering the entire load.

Yes, but they put up barriers to "encourage" you to have it done by others. In my Mother's case, they said there was a three month waiting list for self funders, and our need was urgent, so we couldn't wait.

Unfortunately sister refused to agree to bring in carers. She was in complete denial that mother needed care/help. It wasn't until mother got double pneumonia that I forced her to step up and take time off work that she finally realised how bad her dementia had become. She just didn't see it in a couple of hours, midday, once a week, as she just thought it was old-age forgetfulness. But when she turned up at 8am one morning to find Mother had put orange juice in her corn flakes instead of milk, and was sat freezing and shivering in the lounge because she'd forgotten about the gas fire and central heating, it finally twigged that she was incapable of looking after herself. I'd been telling her for months, but she just didn't believe me. It's hard when there's another sibling who is in denial.

Nope, ASC have a duty of care and must arrange the care if asked. They can charge for this service if self funding.

OP needs to do nothing. Her DB needs to do nothing. No one is obligated to be a carer.

Sounds like you had no boundaries and were doing far too much. You sister on the other hand maintained healthy boundaries. Professional carers really should have been involved if you were taking on more than you were happy and willing to do.

OP's brother doesn't NEED to do anything. No-one is obligated to be an unpaid carer.

For everyone, including the one needing care, it's better to get a package of professional care in place, rather than relatives running themselves ragged trying to take on an unsustainable job.

Yes, but if she's self funding social services won't be interested and the OP will have to contact care homes directly to get them to send someone to do the assessments.

@NotAnotherScarf

I've seen it many times. One child gets lumbered and the others tell everyone how much they do.

Yup. Had that when I virtually singlehandedly looked after my mother, going to see her 2/3 times per day to give her treatments/medications, did her shopping, did her banking and bill paying, etc. Sister went around once a week for her lunch, stayed a couple of hours, did bugger all, yet was going around telling everyone she was so busy and stressed "looking after her Mum".

Same with DH's mother. His brother lived only 25 miles away, a 30 minute drive, but only went once a month and all he ever did was bath her dog! Meanwhile, DH was going round daily in his lunch hour and I was going daily to make her tea, do the washing up, cleaning, etc. What really annoyed us was how she'd always be so full of how brother was so brilliant for going round to bath the dog once a month - not a word of thanks for us!

The OP really needs to lay it on thick to her brother and not let him get away with it. He NEEDS to take some time out, spend a few days with HIS mother to give the OP a break. Whether he wants to or not. If he won't, it's ultimatum time and maybe time to put the mother in a home for a few weeks - I bet brother won't like the sound of some of his inheritance being spent!!

Definitely this. Its too much for you (and your brother).

Get her an assessment for socila services. She needs to go in a home ASAP. You can't carry this burden. Your health will be destroyed.

I share your anger. It’s just having someone who actively checks in, asks what they can do to help etc.

My db was also the golden boy and he moved overseas - partly because he didn’t want to bother with family at home.

He didn’t come when mum or dad were dying. “Oh it’s not that I don’t want to but you know I can’t be around hospitals and death, I just can’t do that.”

Whereas I of course loved doing the bedside vigil all by myself.

Happy he was, though, to take the inheritance.

Of course he asked me to do all the probate work, sort out the house and the funeral. He didn’t even come to our mum’s funeral (his flight is only 2.5 hours).

Believe it or not: I have forgiven him . I can’t hold on to the anger. He’s useless but I won’t allow it to destroy our relationship. For whatever reason, God made me capable of caring and my brother incapable. I am at peace with it.

But in practice they don’t and won’t.

They have a legal duty to arrange it if you request them to. They can charge for this.

OP and her brother do not have any obligation to provide care, nor arrange care.

Social Services have a legal duty to arrange the care.

That simply isn’t true. They have a legal duty to assess the need for care if it’s not self funded. When I contacted them the very first question was how much money the person needing care had. When it was clear they’d be self funding I was basically told I was on my own.

Social Services have a legal duty to arrange the care. OP and her brother do not need to be involved (but obviously they can be if they want to). OP may make the decision that she wishes to be involved, but she can't make that decision on behalf of her brother.

It's not necessarily that people "can't be arsed", more that not everyone has the capacity for what is a gruelling, thankless, increasing task.

To be clear here, I'm someone that was nearly broken by caring responsibilities and who wishes I maintained stronger boundaries earlier. It's not that I didn't love my DM & DD, but the expectations put upon adult children are often utterly unreasonable, especially when also trying to manage thrir own jobs, families and homes.

Besides anything the brother lives 4 hours away. In my experience with elderly relatives one of the first things to go when their health declined was their ability to tolerate long car journeys.

But you would not be able to force this