Wedding guests

I was asking the PP about their comment, which was nothing to do with beloved nieces, and why I referenced distant cousins.

My comment about beloved nieces was the third paragraph and separate. I actually couldn't attend one of my nieces weddings, which was upsetting but distance (10+ hrs flight a few days before Christmas with my DH's sibling's wedding to also attend the day before) meant I couldn't. I haven't seen her in many years, but doesn't mean she's not beloved. Had she only felt it appropriate to send me an evening invitation, I'd probably have felt more hurt. Thankfully I got to see a recording of the ceremony and speeches during the meal. I didn't watch the recording of the party afterwards; it wasn't the important part for me.

I have a lot of cousins and weddings were aunts and uncles for the ceremony and reception, cousins in the evenings. No children.

But you’re talking about ‘beloved nieces’…which implies that you’re close to them. That isn’t the case here, so not comparable at all.

Oh crikey, I’ll need to re-evaluate my whole life…and take out a second mortgage for the bridesmaids dresses alone! Maybe hire a football stadium for the event? 😵‍💫😂

I do! 😂

Also, when we do meet (not all at once, that would be insane, but there are occasions such as funerals when a fair few of us might be there), we try and go through the list!

As we’ve gotten older (I’m 61 now!) we've started to do the ‘who’s still with us’ list! 😬 I’m one of the ‘middle cousins’ as both my parents were also in the middle-ish of their family.

Just curious. Would you be happy to pop by to a first cousin's/ niece's wedding if it was a 4/5hr journey, in each direction?

I've been an evening guest to a distant (in relation and location) wedding, but that actually suited as trying to make it to the morning ceremony would have been a horrible rush having had a late work finish the day before. But, I had no kids, free accommodation and could make a weekend of it.

I would want to see my beloved nieces get married rather than just attend the evening.

Do people not value the marriage ceremonies of loved ones anymore and think it is just a party?

I did the same as you. If you’re limited to numbers/ money, you want the people there you see and matter to you.

Do you count cousins like I do when I can't sleep 🤣🤣 I've never been with either family all together because of family fallings out so I dread to think what it would like like. It was bad enough when nan, my mum and 3 or 4 of her sisters got together with assorted kids

I think the evening invite is a good compromise.
Why have them for the whole (expensive) day when they make no effort to see you.

I wish evening invites were commonplace. I’ve been at weddings and wondered why I’m there for hours & hours. Happily pop by for a drink and raise a glass but it’s not always necessary to be at a full day thing if you’re not close. The party is the good bit!

Interesting. I probably wouldn't invite at all in that case if there are no special circumstances such as ill health. I shall change my vote ✅️

All day. All girls need to be bridesmaids or flower girls too. All young boys need to be page boys. Weddings are for familams.

Ahh man! I forgot the rules!! 🤦‍♀️

Do I need to invite them ALL DAY…or will I be considered the worst person EVER if I have a ‘day do’ and an ‘evening do’?? 😂

This is MN. You need to invite all of them plus spouse/partners plus all children and step children. It's the law.

Mn has issue with evening guests it’s seen as an insult and better to not invite. I think it’s fine, they may decline if the logistics don’t work for them but as long as you wouldn’t be offended if they decline it’s totally reasonable. This is what night guests are
for.

🤦‍♀️ there’s always one!

Oh do off your soap box! This type of wedding is incredibly normal and common in the UK (and elsewhere!)…and has been around for bloody years! My own parents got married in 1962 and they had a ‘day do’ and an ‘evening do’. I went to a wedding in Denmark last summer, and it was the same…a day do, with around 60 people, then a further 40+ in the evening. Perfectly normal!

Only on MN to people suddenly become ‘oh so superior’ and offended! Pathetic!

Similar! My dad was one of 13 and my mum one of 9. At last count I have 68 first cousins 😬 It would be utterly impossible to invite my whole family to anything!! 😂

I've voted YABU from the info provided so far. If they lived close by, you probably would have seen them within the last 7 years. An evening invitation for Aunt and Uncle travelling a distance seems like a pretty pointed insult. Especially if other Aunts/Uncles are all included for the full day.

But, YANBU if they live locally or there is another reason to exclude. I would change my vote if that is the case.

Invite them or don't, but an evening invitation isn't a good compromise.

Are your parents paying? If they want to be all traditional and invite everyone then they should be footing the bill.

Unless they live close by that an evening invitation won't require a hotel or lots of travel then I would either do a day invite or none at all. I would find it pretty insulting to be asked to an evening event for a family member that I had to travel hours to get to. The only upside is that obligation to invite has been met, but likely declined. It's hard enough getting RSVP's out of full day guests, never mind evening ones and there's another set of costs for evening food.

This is really common with parents - this familial obligation to invite all extended family. Fine in a time when the cost of doing so wasn't astronomical but it is now. If you don't want them there, then I'd simply say the venue is limited in numbers or alternatively it is costing £X per head, feel free to put your money where your mouth is Mum and Dad? Beware that if they actually do this, they will feel completely entitled to input into the food choices, the ceremony readings and all manner of other random areas.

I think I agree with this and I understand prioritising people that you have a real relationship with.

How many guests are you inviting? Would the we're just having a small wedding excuse work here?

Your post made me smile, dad was one of 10, mum of 11! I've got 56 first cousins!

It's up to you. If they haven't bothered to see you for over 7 years then clearly they are not that interested in you and it's a lot of money to spend on someone who doesn't give a shit about you.

Who’s paying? If your parents are paying then they get to offer an opinion but if not they don’t - and I mean offer! You can still make your own choices.
I would not invite anyone that if not seen in that long. Would you recognise them walking down the street? If you did, would you know them well enough to have a good conversation?

My niece is getting married next year and I was thrilled and very touched to hear that she will be inviting me and DH. I don't see her very often but I am very fond of her. I didn't expect to be invited so it feels very special.

However, I don't think she will be inviting her cousins and, if she does it will only be to the evening party as the church is quite small. I'm sure they would love to go but won't expect to be invited.

I hadn’t seen my cousin and his family for 8 years so invited them to the evening only. Even though his mum was attending all day and his sister was my matron of honour and her daughters were my bridesmaids (we have an extremely close relationship and she is my bestie, sister and cousin rolled into one) and I see a lot of my auntie.
he didn’t end up coming for the reason you suggested however in order to invite them I’d not be able to invite 4 friends and as hubs suggested who will have a bigger impact if they fall out with you over not attending and my response was I won’t know they’ve fallen out with me as I haven’t seen or heard from them in 8 years!!