To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

She works, you know that she doesn’t just sit around right?

I remember really struggling after my second. She was in nursery at 1 year old. I was back in work and struggling trying to meet the needs of a demanding job and not feel like I was failing my kids. A friend who is a SAHM, said how easy it was for me and how lucky I was. It really hurt.

It shouldnt be a race to the bottom of who has it worse. I acknowledge being a SAHM is also difficult. Look at ways to improve your lot. Get the youngest in nursery 1 afternoon a week maybe for some free time, go back to work if you want to, there are loads of baby groups etc that might be good to form a friendship group for support. Just some thoughts!

@Unher10
This thread is sadly typical of how unsupportive Mumsnet has become.

You and your sister have different challenges and that is how it is. You both made different choices, totally normal.

As a parent of adult children I think your parents are being unfair. They have one daughter who is doing ok/well and one daughter who needs a little support at the moment. I cannot understand why they won't support you.
Their reasoning seems a little off.
I have 2 'children' in their 20s. One needs a lot of support, the other doesn't but I still offer it.

Maybe try talking to you parents without mentioning the differences. Ask for help with specific things rather than just asking for support.
e.g.Please can you have the children on XXX? I've been invited out and would love to go.

No I think she is focussing her disappointment at her parents for being so ignorant in their understanding

Yes yabu. I am sick and tired of people on here saying their situation is more difficult than some single parents because they have “no family support” but they have a supportive hands on husband who also brings in an income! 2 kids under 4 is not unique, I had the same, a 3 year age gap is bang on average and very common. Being a single parent is the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. My mum helps me a couple of days a week with after school pick ups but I can assure you it does not compare with having a partner who is at the other end of the phone, brings in an income, knows you and the children inside and out… you can have “free time” whenever you want when your husband is around, some single parents might have some time to themselves but it is strictly rigid and inflexible. I am very rarely able to attend social things because they are never arranged for when I actually have the free time. As for work, I have a decent job but that’s because I never left it after having babies and worked my way up since my ds1 was born. So your husband finds it hard looking after 2 kids on his own now and again, I look after my 2 kids single handedly 80% of the time. The reason he struggles so much is probably because he doesn’t do it enough. You have choices, if you want some time to yourself then start looking for babysitters if you want evening help, or ask your parents, or enrol both of your kids in nursery. 14 months is perfectly normal age to be at nursery. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but the reason you’re getting harsh replies is because you sound completely out of touch. The way you’re actually envious of your sister working in the evenings… it’s bloody hard juggling kids, a job and a house single handedly.If you want to go back to work then go back to work. No you won’t walk into a senior job, you have to start somewhere and work upwards.

It shouldn’t ‘trump everything’ but look at it from your parents perspective:

Sister is hard working and independent. Has a good job and found herself single but just gets on with life and doesn’t complain.

You don’t have a job and haven’t established yourself in a career with options before having children. You’ve got a husband who makes enough money for you to live on. One of your kids is in preschool so you get to spend quality time with your toddler. Yet you’re constantly complaining about having to look after the children that you deliberately chose to have.

in this particular case, considering that OP decided to be a SAHM it certainly was a choice NOT to have a senior job with large salary. Of course no guarantees she would have gotten one anyway, but she certainly won't get one by not working at all.

Why did you choose to have two children so close together?
You've got to take responsibility for where you are now. Seriously. You're adults, your parents shouldn't have to parent you.

@LittleSpeckleFrog My point is that she is directing her ire in the wrong place.

If the OP is struggling, better that she focuses on solutions for that.

I am a single Mum! I’m not convinced you meant to reply to me here.

I don’t think most people are saying she should be grateful, I think it’s more she’s directing her ire at the wrong people.

Her parents don’t actually help the sister out much either.

I was a single parent and believe you me it was bloody hard and impacted on every area in my life, ex managed to get away without paying any child support, and I had to slog my guts out to keep a rood over mine and my child's head. Of course we are all different and have many things going on in our lives that impact on how things work out. However I have always worked, I had to so that we could surive and I also worked because I wanted my child to have a sound work ethic. It sounds like your sister works hard and good luck to her

Your DH needs to step up and give you a proper break.

Definitely consider going back to work sooner rather than later too though, it'll be good for your MH AND you can start the climb too, if that's what you want.

OP, you're looking at your sister's life only in terms of practicality. Your parents probably feel sorry for her, despite her good circs, because of the sheer sadness of bringing up a child without getting to enjoy it with the person you made the child with. All the times she's with her kid and they do/say something cute/funny/amazing, the other parent is not there to share it with. No one to meet eyes with in a silent look that says "Can you believe we made him/her?" No one to talk about it with when you go to bed that night. It must be lonely as hell to experience the joys of parenting alone, and for most, it's a very, very long way from how they imagined things when they were pregnant. Nothing, no amount of money or support from grandparents can make up for the loss of the family unit that you thought you would have. I know your sis has money and support and control of her work hours, but I honestly think you are ten million times luckier than her.

She does often work into the evenings when I call her but I would do anything to have that choice about my days and my time

She's not working in the evenings for fun.. she's working in the evenings because she has to get stuff done for her role, and had no chance to do it in the day. The flip-side of flexibility is that you are alway on something - whether that's something for the house/kids or something for the job, because your life is one long todo list of competing priorities and you just have to do the best you can for each of them.

Rage bait. You had the same reaction on the last post, I wonder why you’d post again

Well yes, but then the blame lies with the husband doesn’t it, not the parents.

To be fair, OP has said her sister's child is only 2 so she likely worked her way up to this role pre-child. It would be much more difficult for OP to do this with 2 young children to manage now now.

That's not really how it works for a lot of us single mums - my ex has the kids once or twice a month for a Saturday.

On that Saturday I'd try to squeeze in all the things that are easier to get done without kids in tow (luckily now they're older so I can just go do them) - so invariably it would be doing a decent clean of the kitchen, or painting the bathroom, or replacing a tap etc.

To put it in perspective, my morning commute and spending 1/2 an hour on a nice day mowing the lawn were things I looked forward to, as time where I was forced to just put some music on and be alone with my thoughts. At no other time was that possible.

OP needs to make a change, it's clear. Or she can be resentful of those around her and keep making comparisons - but nothing will change if she does that.

And was she just handed that role out of thin air? Of course not. So why don’t you work your way up like she has and then you can behave the way she does?

Stop trying to pull your sister down because you don’t like how your parents behave. That is not your sister’s concern. Maybe she just has more get up and go and your parents respond to that?

I think if the OP had said her struggles she would have got more sympathy than how she has framed it as a competition with her sister who just seems to be working as hard as she can and doing the best with the hand she’s been dealt

I'm a single mum and have been since my DD was born. I also have a senior role and a good income, and can work from home when I want to. I don't have a support network though, but her dad is very good when I need help (chronic illness girlie here too)

I see it from both sides. I know I am very, very lucky to have time to myself, and can call on people when I need to, but I think you're being a bit unfair. I would love someone to share the mental load with, someone to decide what we have for dinner tonight, or to nip to the shop for a loaf of bread without having to take my DD, sort out who provides the broadband when the contract is up....I do it all. So while yes, I understand your frustrations, you have someone to share it with. The days when I am too ill to get out of bed and have to call on the school mums to help get my DD to school, it would be so nice to have someone here to do that.

Well, you do what your sister has done.. and work your way up.

Your sister works into the evenings in a senior role. That’s not easy. You wouldn’t know that, as you don’t do it.

Your parents clearly see that your sister
doesn’t have the option of not working…

Rather than focus on that, focus on how you can help yourself. If you’re struggling, you’ve got options… job, nursery…have a think about what would help you and work with your husband to put it in place.

YANBU op. DH and I never get a break with no support except from each other. I have single parent friends who have much more free time and money.

Some single parents have a lot of family support, more money, and their DC only half the time giving them a lot of freedom. It's not that simple that they automatically have it worse.

They also have a unique set of worries I imagine.

You’ve posted this before. Almost verbatim. Are you expecting a different response?

I think some people are being incredibly harsh, but of course MN hate SAHM, especially if they dare to complain. Your sister works hard for a wage but it's also a job looking after young children. Why isn't OP entitled to some help just because she's a SAHM?
And all the people saying go back to work because serious for a minute. She can't just get a senior job with flexibility, it's not that simple which you all know.. Also if her husband works long hours she'll be even more stressed as drop off/ pick up and sick days will probably all be down to her.
Unfortunately your parents have the mentality of most people on here. that SAHMs are just not worthy of help, support or sympathy. I get it, it's hard when you have young children but you can't make people see that or make your parents want to help, it's very unfair though.