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Original poster

To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

480 replies

Unher10 · 20/04/2026 14:11

… when it comes to life being hard.

I have 2 kids under 4 and a husband and general family support. Husband works long hours which means I can stay at home and we do not have financial worries but equally I wouldn’t say we are wealthy in the sense that a cleaner etc would be too much of a luxury.

I am really struggling and feel like my parents don’t give a shit. My sister is a single parent to one child age 2 and is back at work, her daughter is in nursery four days a week and my sister works from home whenever she likes while also having a social life with work stuff.

Even though she has a huge income and hefty CMS payments, time to herself when niece’s dad spends time with her AND she has flexibility at work so can shop and go to the gym in peace during her lunch hour…my parents still feel sorry for her and will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!

I have said I am not managing and fed up being with one or two children all day every day and they say sister doesn’t complain and she’s a single parent… literally anything I say the answer is she is a single parent and she copes so why can’t I. How are our situations even comparable?!??

I am close to my sister and wouldn’t say this to her as she’s been through a lot and I love her but the perspective that I have it all great in comparison in the eyes of my family just takes the piss. I don’t know what im asking really. Just want to let out my feelings as I feel so down today.

OP posts:
Strikeback · 20/04/2026 17:19

Unher10 · 20/04/2026 14:17

@Upearlyaseva my youngest is only 14 months

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How is that relevant?

Aberdeenusername · 20/04/2026 17:19

You could be using your evenings to study/ retrain in an area that could get you a more skilled job. Just a thought or put the kids to Nursey and get a part time/full time job

TheDaringDeer · 20/04/2026 17:19

I have been both a single parent and now married with a not so helpful husband. I was a single parent for four years with my eldest before having my youngest with my husband. My eldest did not see her dad nor did I receive any CMS payments. You have stated ‘how are our situations even comparable’ they are not so stop comparing to your sister. Parenting has been infinitely easier when having someone else around even if they are not here much of the time and may not really be doing very much. Just simple things such as going for a shower required planning as my child didn’t sleep well and was just a bit of a nuisance so knowing someone else was around is helpful. There were many times that I had absolutely no money, and I have had to work really hard to get into a well paid career with a certain level of flexibility to ensure if I was to end up being a single parent again I can do this effectively as it is very different. However, that doesn’t mean you cannot struggle if you have a partner and you do need to look at how you can make this more manageable as it is very difficult but I would stop comparing as that isn’t going to help you.

Butterme · 20/04/2026 17:17

Unher10 · 20/04/2026 14:22

@TheCheeseTax she gets every Saturday and every other Wednesday to herself as well
as the time when she is in nursery, in contrast I am parenting non stop. You are basically sounding like my parents with that comment which is entirely the point of my post. Being single shouldn’t trump everything

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But you could have this too.

You and DH can easily have more breaks and child free time.

You’re also missing a massive part of being a single parent.
Its not just about having the break from the kids - it’s having to do literally everything all by yourself.

You and DH will share the physical and mental load, whether it’s cleaning or decorating bedrooms or choosing a nursery and remembering to pay for nursery/school dinners.

The fact is that you choose to be a 2 parent family, where she didn’t choose to be a single parent (even if she left).
You could spilt with your DH or live separately if you wanted to but you won’t because you know life will be harder.

You can’t be jealous that your sister has done well in her career.
You had the same upbringing and opportunities.

Rosetime · 20/04/2026 17:16

britcheshemisphere · 20/04/2026 14:36

Sorry Op but I think you sound quite entitled and spoilt here.
Agree 100% that being a "single parent" isn't a trump card etc but I actually don't read this & feel that's being made out certainly not by your sister who to me sounds like she has had a hand dealt and is making the best of her situation. Whilst you say she has so much flexibility with her work to go to the gym in her lunch break etc, good for her she can't go in the evening as she is no doubt home with her DC but that time you get once DC are asleep to unwind and relax your sister clearly isn't getting as she is working..... she is juggling and trust me it's hard bloody work juggling a full time high pressured/high powered job with kids and still trying to get some escape for yourself.

I think you need to sit down with your DH and have a very open conversation about your dynamics you not happy and clearly need something else to occupy you. You're aiming your frustration in the wrong direction and need to look closer to home.

Edited

This. 💯

arethereanyleftatall · 20/04/2026 17:15

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 20/04/2026 15:43

I think some people are being incredibly harsh, but of course MN hate SAHM, especially if they dare to complain. Your sister works hard for a wage but it's also a job looking after young children. Why isn't OP entitled to some help just because she's a SAHM?
And all the people saying go back to work because serious for a minute. She can't just get a senior job with flexibility, it's not that simple which you all know.. Also if her husband works long hours she'll be even more stressed as drop off/ pick up and sick days will probably all be down to her.
Unfortunately your parents have the mentality of most people on here. that SAHMs are just not worthy of help, support or sympathy. I get it, it's hard when you have young children but you can't make people see that or make your parents want to help, it's very unfair though.

All these posts miss the point.

yes, SAHPs are worthy of a break.

But you first look to the other parent for the breaks, not your own parents.

TinkyBella · 20/04/2026 17:15

Unher10 · 20/04/2026 14:18

@Upearlyaseva @pinkyredrose exactly! She has worked her way up so in a more senior role and has loads of flexibility. She does often work into the evenings when I call her but I would do anything to have that choice about my days and my time

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You’d do anything? So divorce your husband and get a job and put the kids in nursery - sorted :)

Loub1987 · 20/04/2026 17:12

ForCosyLion · 20/04/2026 17:02

@Loub1987 It shouldnt be a race to the bottom of who has it worse.

No, it shouldn't, especially when some of us really have it tough. Me, I had to balance my baby on my left hip while working down a coal mine, hewing rock out of the wall with one hand while singing "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round". 🤣

Edited

😂

Fair, you win!

Imfukinradiant · 20/04/2026 17:07

My sister used to do this. Hugely discontented with her life and choices and somehow it wasn’t ‘fair’ that my life was significantly different 🙄

I barely see her now. Her sense of entitlement is staggering. If someone else has something she thinks she should be able to have it too. Nevermind she’s a work shy lazy mare with appalling taste in men.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 20/04/2026 17:04

Sorry @Unher10 but I think you are being massively unreasonable and also a bit childish.

I would put money on the fact the envy (not a pretty thing btw) you feel towards her is reciprocated because you have a husband and get to stay home all the time with your kids where she has to work and put her kid in childcare.

Ultimately you made your life choices, and she made hers. You need to love with them.

Perhaps instead of comparing you should be proud of her for being able to work up to a senior role, provide for her family without benefits. It is alot a given for single parents.

GiantTeddyIsTired · 20/04/2026 17:03

Calliopespa · 20/04/2026 17:00

How do you know the Dsis didn't choose to leave her DH and be a single mum?

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I don't - but magicing up a partner isn't quite the same thing as taking on some shifts at Asda.

ForCosyLion · 20/04/2026 17:02

@Loub1987 It shouldnt be a race to the bottom of who has it worse.

No, it shouldn't, especially when some of us really have it tough. Me, I had to balance my baby on my left hip while working down a coal mine, hewing rock out of the wall with one hand while singing "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round". 🤣

StarCourt · 20/04/2026 17:01

Totalinsanity · 20/04/2026 16:51

I actually differentiate between co-parents and single parents. To me a single parent is someone doing it 80% plus entirely on their own, whether the other parent has died or gone awol. If your kids still see the other parent and they contribute financially then you’re a co-parent. Being a truly single parent I imagine is far far harder.

Most people would call that being a lone parent.

Loobyloolovesandypandy · 20/04/2026 17:01

Unher10 · 20/04/2026 14:25

@Upearlyaseva yes that’s my point! My life is so much harder at the moment and my parents don’t give a shit

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I guess you could always divorce? Then you would be on a similar footing to your sister and your parents might step up. 😂

Imfukinradiant · 20/04/2026 17:01

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/04/2026 14:22

So your sister has worked really hard to be where she is, you haven’t, but you want the benefit of the same hard work without actually doing it?

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💯
As if the sister just had a great job fall in her lap 🙄

Calliopespa · 20/04/2026 17:00

GiantTeddyIsTired · 20/04/2026 16:51

Because she can choose to make a change here - that's the point - she chose to be a SAHM, she can choose to put the children in nursery and take a job, or take a weekend job when her husband is home (although that would mean no family life, so I probably wouldn't make that choice myself)

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How do you know the Dsis didn't choose to leave her DH and be a single mum?

StarCourt · 20/04/2026 16:59

Comedycook · 20/04/2026 14:24

I agree with the sentiment that single parents don't necessarily have it hard. I know a single mum whose ex does 50/50...she also has a supportive extended family. She has a pretty great life in all honesty and is always on long childfree holidays

I know a single mum in her late 30’s with 2 school age kids and her parents pay for pretty much everything! Rent, car, nursery fees ( when she had them ) and they have the kids 3 times a week too. But that’s not the norm for most single parents though is it?

Eesha · 20/04/2026 16:55

Im a single mum myself and its hard! You have a husband who earns enough that you dont have to work (a huge luxury in itself), and who can share the emotional load too. Guaranteed your sister is feeling the pressure but good on her for getting on with things/working so hard to give her kids a better life. You should step up if you are so jealous.

GiantTeddyIsTired · 20/04/2026 16:51

Dontlletmedownbruce · 20/04/2026 16:31

I don't understand the 'but you chose this life..' answers. Didn't we all choose our lives? With the exception of illness, we all in some way chose the path we take but that doesn't mean the path goes in the way we planned. Or that we aren't allowed have moments of regrets. Or times when it's overwhelming and our MH suffers. Maybe OPs sister is a single Mum because her choices didn't work out the way she hoped. But isn't it the same for the OP? Maybe she thought her DH would step up more. Maybe she thought her parents would be more supportive, maybe she thought she would find it easier. Surely a person is allowed some sympathy when things are hard regardless of how those circumstances came about. The irony is MN is full of threads almost everyday about working mothers struggling with it all and not once have I heard a poster reply 'well you chose this life. Why can't you be a SAHM'. No. Those threads are usually really supportive of the OP reassuring her that it will get better and giving helpful advice. It just confirms that there very biased people here.

Because she can choose to make a change here - that's the point - she chose to be a SAHM, she can choose to put the children in nursery and take a job, or take a weekend job when her husband is home (although that would mean no family life, so I probably wouldn't make that choice myself)

Totalinsanity · 20/04/2026 16:51

I actually differentiate between co-parents and single parents. To me a single parent is someone doing it 80% plus entirely on their own, whether the other parent has died or gone awol. If your kids still see the other parent and they contribute financially then you’re a co-parent. Being a truly single parent I imagine is far far harder.

GiantTeddyIsTired · 20/04/2026 16:49

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/04/2026 15:58

I am a single Mum! I’m not convinced you meant to reply to me here.

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you're right! I meant the person you quoted saying that when the children are with their dad, the single mum gets 'a break' Sorry about that

G5000 · 20/04/2026 16:42

I think many people are missing that according to OP, the parents don't actually help the sister significantly. Dhe says in the OP that sister rarely asks. So it's not the situation that parents are exhausted because they do everything for the sister and prefer to help the sister instead of OP. Parents don't help either of the kids, which is their choice.
OP resents that parents believe OP should be more capable.

Gambino1726 · 20/04/2026 16:41

Yikes. I think the issue you have is jealousy against your sister, no single parents. Have you often felt second best to her?

its great your parents are around to help you both.

statistically you have far more support structure around you with a husband on call,
doing the nights with you as well as all of his family around and possibly second set of grandparents, all this hasn’t been tarred with toxic ex, gossip and families taking sides, which is probably what’s happened for your sister.

it’s does sound like you should get a flexible job, stick your kids in kids club too so you can get a break.

we all make choices in life!

tombombaclot · 20/04/2026 16:40

I get that no it shouldn't trump everything and isn't always worse than someone else but since becoming a parent (with a very 'present' husband) I've realised just how hard single parents must work, whether they're in employment or not.

My mum for example was a single parent and my grandparents willingly had us every weekend until we were teens but apart from that she was literally on her own, working around school hours without a partner to talk to or share the load.

My kids don't have any living grandparents and we don't live near any friends or family so it's literally just us but my husband gets home from work and has the kids til bedtime, we swap lie ins on a weekend and that's something you just don't get as a single parent.

But it doesn't mean you should be 'shut up' when moaning just because someone else has it harder.

G5000 · 20/04/2026 16:39

LittleSpeckleFrog · 20/04/2026 15:50

To be fair, OP has said her sister's child is only 2 so she likely worked her way up to this role pre-child. It would be much more difficult for OP to do this with 2 young children to manage now now.

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OP could have done the same, not sister's fault OP made different choices.

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