AIBU to struggle with my sister always offloading negativity onto me?

I hear you @TheWildZebra. I can’t go into details in case my dsis sees this but I know. It’s hard.

It was a bad idea to cut her off mid-sentence and deliver this message. It's not effective to have a productive conversation about someone's behaviour when they are already in a heightened state of emotion. It isn't going to land and they aren't going to be able to reflect – their nervous system isn't in that position. You'd be better to bring it up calmly and in a dedicated conversation.

She sounds like my mum and my aunt, they are addicted to being morbid and repetitive . I trained my mum out of it, but my aunt is so into 'one-downing' (opposite of one-upping) that it is too draining to talk to her anymore. I don't think she noticed.

After many decades of morbid stories, I told my mum I'm not listening to any more horrible stories, if she needs to explore her past, go to counselling, it's too draining for me, I've burnt out. I listen to stuff going on in her life now, and to stories about her friends, including sad ones, but not gossip, crime stories, or grim family history. To get to this point I had to stop her on many occasions when she wanted to tell me about a true crime, terrible news story or family drama. I'd say 'Is this a horrible story? I'm not going to listen to horrible stories, it's upsetting.' At first she would just keep going, but I kept being firm ' this sounds like a horrible story, I don't want it in my head.' Eventually, she got the message.

Not really sure if telling your sister you are burnt out and you need to avoid negative topics will help, but it sounds like you are burnt out - (by her negativity, which you don't need to add!) Good luck.

Yes, I can see that just slapping a label on doesn’t really change the situation!

I have several autistic family members (some diagnosed, some not but it’s very obvious) and my kids are both diagnosed. I always try to be clear with them that autism may explain their behaviour, but it does not excuse or justify it. So - even if autism is the reason they do something, they are still responsible for the consequences of what they do.

But it is very helpful, both for me and for them, to know that they are autistic so that we know how to manage situations, or what kind of coping strategies they might benefit from. Just having that awareness may help you to reframe some of your communication with her - not to say that she should be allowed to continue as she is, but so that you can judge how best to explain your position.

Just may be worth thinking about :)

@TheWildZebra “I think despite much of what she says being very negative, there’s actually very little emotional nuance in how she communicates”

Exactly this with my sister. She is the one in pain, she is the one who is hurting, she is the one who is right.

I don’t think she has the emotional capacity to see outside of her experience and I am not the one to force that on her. All I can do is approach it differently, which has allowed us to have a more positive relationship.

It isn’t a cure and her relationships with like your sister, other family members, causes pain. But I do think my continued relationship with her is positive for her.

I feel your pain, my daughter dumps all her negativity onto me, by text or verbally, it gets me down at times. She is seeing a psychotherapist, but it isn’t really helpful with this particular issue. She’s currently on holiday and still texting and moaning about something 🤦‍♀️, I give up.

On the other hand my MIL and SIL generally do the same, not anymore. I’m not close to them and the rest of the family avoid their calls, I’ve actually blocked them. I can’t help someone who refuses to help themselves, I have my own shit to deal with, and have limited energy due to having M.S. I’ve prioritised what and who are important in my life, my energy is paramount. I had CBT many years ago to help me accept my diagnosis, the therapist gave me permission to cut out people that drain me with nothing in return, so I have 😝

Do you think there’s an element of neurodivergence? Being sensitive to perceived slights and being overly blunt/unaware of how she’s coming across just made me wonder.

It’s a common pattern for girls and woke to mask/fit in when they’re younger, and then the impact of hormonal changes in their 40s can make their normal coping routines stop working.

What does her being ‘a very sensitive person’ entail?

Is she ‘sensitive’ to you or only her own emotions. Sometimes ‘sensitive’ people
have us all walking on eggshells - so as not to emotionally overwhelm THEM - but this has the impact often of silencing YOU - others might interpret ‘sensitive’ behaviour as prickly or controlling because it keeps everything on her agenda and perspective.

It’s interesting that you feel you have to ‘steel’ yourself to have a conversation. This might indicate a power imbalance and an anticipation of defensivness and / or fear of conflict from her rather than a mutual, respectful, reciprocal, productive dialogue about feedback and seeking to reset your relationship and resolve issues to avoid resentment and deterioration.

We are all different and OP, you do have to distance yourself in order to protect your well being, as you see fit.

I did come to the understanding that my attitude to my sister’s behaviour was a push back because I didn’t really want to hear it and I suppose I thought that she should have the inner skills to just snap out of it and see life differently. She doesn’t. She won’t seek professional help.

And so I did, as I have said, change the way I approached it. She does now feel listened to. It is a very delicate situation, that many would ask why am I tiptoeing around her - we nearly went back to the old ways the other day. But managed, both us us to pull back and listen to each other.

I am not in anyway passive. I am the strongest of the two.

OP, you say your sister is very sensitive. Yes that that sensitivity constantly has her on the defence, doesn’t it?

Fair enough, I wish you well and hope you sort it out.

Exactly, shes become an emotional vampire, and shes abusing your family ties because she thinks that means you just have to sit there and take it because youre her sister, theres no way shed pull this relentless shit on a friend.

Really good thoughts here thanks. I was in a slightly different situation in that the behaviour was harmful to me and hurtful at times too. There were lines being crossed directed towards me.

Your response is very helpful to me but very helpful to the OP too because you sound like you are both in very similar scenarios.

You sound really lovely @TheWildZebra and I completely agree with you that it is a very nuanced situation especially with a sister.

@DuskOPorter, I actually find my sisters constant negativity infuriating sometimes. And yes there definitely is a loop that she tries to wrap me up in.

We did fall out previously. Did it help? No! Is she hurting me? No! She is the one in pain, she is hurting.

These episodes that OP and many of us go through with our siblings can explode into family fall outs.

My sister has never done anything to hurt me personally. Am I offering some level of counselling? Yes I suppose I am. I am not a professional and don’t claim to be but I do have authority to listen to and talk to my sister when she is struggling in her life.

Yes I do think it has made a difference. Because when someone is in that kind of loop and we are fed up and pushing back with an equal adverse kind of negativity we get nowhere.

It’s not about me!

And yes bracing yourself for the difficult conversation and accepting that she’s upset about it is definitely kinder in the long run!

So she’s early 40s? I wonder whether she’s in perimenopause and that’s causing her anxiety to rocket. I’m late 40s now but looking back it was early 40s that my personality changed and I became much more difficult. At the time I attributed it to work stress etc but these days perimenopause is much better understood and there’s more awareness of how it causes changes to anxiety levels.

I agree that it would be best to state your position clearly - use lots of “I feel” statements rather than “you always”, emphasise that you love her and miss her, say you’re both concerned about her and unable to offer the level of support she seems to want right now. Maybe as part of that you could raise the issue that she should have her hormones checked as this seems to be a change.

Agree. There is no ‘sharing’ going on, she seemingly is taking any of the advice from OP and there are little signs of ‘friendship’ when interactions are so unbalanced and self serving - and when the OP dares to express a preference to reset the balance to a more tolerable and respectful position the sister has a volatile hissy fit and flounced. Tells you all you need to know.

Many PPs here say sister needs professional help, that sister is dumping on OP, that OP should distance herself. Is this really all we have got?

Everyone knows family dynamics are difficult, complex, problematic and sometimes toxic. Everyone also surely knows that suggesting professional help is not always really practical. And many people outright refuse it. So PPs view is that if the advice of getting professional help is refused, OP should just walk away from her sister.

OP it is your call, walk away, distance yourself, but the fact that you are posting on MN suggests that you know it isn’t as simple as that.

One of my other sisters has been in therapy for years because of similar issues. Has it helped? Not in my opinion.