AIBU to let my Year 10 child miss school sometimes?

Don't let him be pushed to breaking point.
Building resilience is great, but if the load is too much they can crack completely.

Decide with your son, and hopefully the school, which exams he needs. English abd Maths definitely... then what he needs for his next step. 5 Grade 4s for example. Then even if needs a day off... keep hp with these.

Otherwise, hes just going to ve stucj dking Maths and English again before doing what he wants.

What might be preferable would be talking to school to reduce the work load, thus reducing the stress and building breaks into some days.

eg Drop History/Geography which have a lot of content. Be allowed to sit in the library / inclusion room / where ever during those lessons doing homework.

(This is what we started for my similar DD, but then Covid hit and it all went to pot anyway.)

I understand why you’re doing it but to answer your thread title: yes, you are being unreasonable. It’s a short term fix which could have negative long term consequences.

Yr10.

Absolutely not.

Speak to school and find an alternative solution so they aren't missing lessons - this might include dropping a GCSE.

If they're self harming then they need to be supported by the school. Are there particular lessons they hate (PE?) and can sit them out? CAMHS will not help if a child is possibly autistic, been there and done that.

You basically need to find a way for your child to pass their gcse maths and english and a few others.

There was a major study recently of the low resilience and poor mental health that has resulted from parents over supervising and indulging their children and fixing anything that they can’t cope with.
It’s only possible because of the massive safety net that benefits gives in the UK. No pressure. If your metal health can’t manage working for the man then opt out. Maybe they’re right. Life is horribly stressful for young people and a life of minimum effort on benefits with a few low pressure jobs sometimes may be all that some can manage.
I’d be worried though. What do you let DC do with their days at home? Self study and reading or just scrolling their phone in bed?

I would try and come up with a plan with school.
My daughter is a similar type of teen (anxious, ASD, other mild disabilities, well behaved). We have an agreed plan and wellbeing Support.
Her attendance has improved a lot with it.

Missing school will feed the anxiety cycle and make the exam stress worse. You are increasing the amount of missed work that they have to catch up and this will get scarier and scarier for them as the amount
of time left until GCSEs shrinks and shrinks. Please seek professional help and advice because this is likely to get a whole lot worse if you carry on as you are. I’ve seen some truly frightening mental health crises in teens that started like this.

I also don’t know many year 10s with “drive from within”- I think it’s down to the parents to model the importance of education at that age. The kids don’t have fully developed brains, and for most the idea of actions = consequences (I.e if I don’t go to school I won’t pass any exams) is way off- kids of that age will in most cases follow short term feelings/ desires.

“I encourage them but feel the drive should come from within”

OP, your DC is in year 10 and has learning difficulties. How is that supposed to give them the “drive from within” to want to go to school and do their homework? I’m sorry, but you really are setting up your DC to fail. School should be as non-negotiable as cleaning your teeth - it’s what you do. Tell me the teen that wouldn’t want a few days off if they thought they could get away with it? You’re not giving your DC a chance - when they have a job, if they’re not that keen on it, will you be telling them just to take days off if they feel like it? Man is an animal of habit, and you need to establish good habits while your DC is still at school. You’re really not doing the right thing letting them miss school, and from the POV of your DC’s teachers, it’s infuriating, because DC is never likely to be able to keep up if they keep missing chunks of the syllabus, which is probably contributing to what you describe as the “stress of learning”. I would have thought it was all the more important for them to attend school if they have mild learning difficulties, as they’ll be less able to work on their own to catch up. Sorry, OP, but you’re really not doing your DC any favours.

And if applicable take TikTok/youtube/telegraph/ social media off them

Having a child who pretty much burned out, I’d take a fairly pragmatic view. If she’s really struggling on a particular day I’d keep her home. I’d track to see if it’s the same day or a particular subject she’s struggling with and try to negotiate some accommodations with the school maybe dropping a subject or agreeing a part time time table.

I’d also be talking to her about what she’s struggling with, it maybe the pace of learning is too fast for her - could she take her exams over a longer period to give her space to consolidate her learning?

My DD also has learning difficulties and would never refuse to go to school, but was leaving home in tears and barely functioning at home. Having a complete break helped her reset and she’s slowly going back. School will always tell you to get them in, that avoiding school makes it worse but the reality is there’s a limit to how far anyone can cope and if you think building in a release valve by keeping her home will help in the longer term, that’s what I’d be doing.

She has her whole life to study and pass exams, yes it’s easier in many ways if they can do it at school but it’s not the end of the world if they take a longer route while maintaining their mental health.

That's a completely different question to your OP.

You pay for a therapist.

My DS was unable to go to school for several years. We tried for hours every single day, but he just couldn't do it. It was hell. Missing school went against everything I believed in (I'm a teacher and as a family, education is hugely important to us).

However, school isn't like the workplace. You can choose your work and the kind of environment you spend your days in. Not so with school. I don't think letting him miss school now will necessarily mean they won't go to work. What I do think though, is that you still need a routine in place. For a day when they're at home, you need to ensure some kind of learning is happening.

Have you spoken to the school about a part-time timetable?

You talk to the school and be honest.

Have you spoken to the school? What support has been offered? It also depends on how much they’re missing, one day a half term which means they’re in school the rest of the time, then not a problem. Once a week, and they’re going to be missing lots of content and getting behind and you could end up in a downward spiral. Start with the school work, e.g. ask for a meeting, see if they can drop a GCSE, reduced hours, perhaps they may look at alternative provision for a day a week, somewhere to go in school if they’re struggling etc.

I think it would be better if they can go in

As you say GCSEs are more intense and missing lessons will make things much harder.

If academia is definitely not their path you might be able to talk to the school to drop a subject and have “free” periods where they can catch up with core subject work and study.

Depending on the college and depending on the subject they might still need the golden 4s in English Language and Maths at the very least (especially if it’s a popular subject at a popular college).

I think you might do better if you open up this conversation with school first to try and find a workable solution that’s beneficial for your child- their pupil - no one wants them to fail or funk, rather than make a solo decision to keep them off random days.

But up to you I guess you are their parent.

You are setting your child up to fall. They will be kicked out of college and will lose their job if they just don't turn up.

Particularly in Y10. They will fall behind their subjects and GCSE will be so much more stressful.

You are achieving the opposite effect to what you intend.. Mental health is so important (believe me I know, we had issues with DS but he never missed school). But there are more effective ways to deal with this. Ones that are much kinder to him.

Are you leaving your child alone while they are off school and you are at work?

You should be finding ways for them to manage their learning disability in a way that they can process information and build their confidence instead of avoiding doing the work in the first place. You aren't helping your child, you are setting them up to fail in the future.

The weekend and the 6 hours after school every day are the times for resting and processing the information received.

Sorry I think YABU. The school might need to adjust if he’s overwhelmed but he needs to go in unless he’s on a part time timetable or ill etc. Otherwise the danger is he takes this approach with further study (isn’t it compulsory to stay in education until 18), work etc and however nice/ polite he is, he’ll end up never being able to hold a job down.

Exactly this.

Have you looked into Emitionally Based ScHools Avoidance. (EBSA)