AIBU to let my Year 10 child miss school sometimes?

it’s a no from me. It’s your responsibility that this child gets to school on time every day

ETA just seen your update and in that case I’d say something different: if your Dd is self harming then double down on therapy. Not school. Get all the support you can

I'd personally not be allowing them to miss school.. when they have a job they won't just be able to miss a day if they feel tired or stressed will they? Think you may be setting them up for a struggle when they do start working.

Instead I'd try to see what may make school better for them. What things can you do to make their week easier? What they can do to make mornings easier etc. Can school do anything to support?

Resilience is probably the most poorly understood, misused concept. My DD is the most resilient teenager, she’s dealt with more adversity in her young years than most people encounter in a life time. She massively struggles with school.

Yes part of building resilience is about supporting young people out of their comfort zone, however when you are daily going into a situation that causes high levels of stress it basically undermines resilience because there is no respite. An important part of being resilient is knowing how and when you need to stop and recover. To be able to manage your environment to support your wellbeing - by slowing down, taking breaks and through constructive activity that helps you reset.

It’s not about “I don’t feel like it”, it’s more I need to stop for a day so I can keep going in the longer term. If your child is self harming they are screaming that they aren’t coping, regardless of whether everyone else can, whether people think they should or whatever. Pushing past coping point isn’t resilience, it’s abuse.

Id be looking at the supports available, but part of that support for my child would be taking time out of school if need be.

How often?

And how intense is the distress?

Self harming is quite a drip feed.

Once a week because they just don’t feel 100% about going in or Once a month because they are self harming?

It makes a difference.

But I hope the therapy is helping.

GCSEs are a stepping stone to whatever the next step is. Are they on course for what they would like to do?

By giving children confidence that they are capable of things that currently feel a bit out of reach to them.

So, that will involve allowing children to take risks and try things they haven’t tried before, letting them know that it’s not the end of the world if they don’t manage it but that you have confidence that they can. Sometimes that means allowing things when you’d rather keep them ‘safe’ at home because it stops you worrying. Encouraging independence and trying new things (say for example letting your 15 year old go camping with a friend) often means that you as a parent have to put up with worrying if they’re ok whilst they’re actually doing it, but the long term gain is huge. Of course if you allow the camping trip (again just an example) you will want to put in several ‘scaffolds’ the first time they do it, like talking them through what to do in case of emergency and making sure they have all the right equipment and that the person they go with is sensible etc. You also let them know they can always call you if needed but that you’re sure they’ll have a great time and they will do a great job. And then you let them do it! And watch their confidence build as they discover what they’re made of.

When my DS was about 12, I started getting calls from the school medical room on a Monday afternoon that he was ill and needed collecting. This happened three or four times until I twigged the pattern. I sat down with DS and asked him about Monday afternoons and it turned out he was a bit scared of the art teacher (nothing untoward he was just a bit sarcastic and not very tolerant of those with zero talent for art). DS himself hadn’t realised that’s why he always had a tummy ache on Monday afternoons, so we talked it through, laughed a bit at how he and his dad both struggled with art at school and how it doesn’t matter really as long as we do our best. We talked about not taking something to heart when the teacher says something sarcastic and reframing it in our heads and he was fine after that. No more Monday afternoons to the medical office and DS had learned that he can put up with the discomfort of a teacher with a bit of an attitude problem and not let it affect how he feels too much.

I was talking with DS (now 29!) about this recently and he said ‘You and dad were always really good at sheltering us from things that are for adults to worry about, not children, but also helping us to navigate the things we did have to face and giving us the confidence to do them.’ I made loads of mistakes as a parent, we all do, but I’m really proud of the fact that DS (and his completely fearless younger sister) have grown up to be confident, resilient adults.

Why do people on here think that just because someone can't cope with everything that secondary school demands of them, that the student will turn out to be flakey in an entirely different environment of a vocational course at college, or work?
At school up to GCSEs the curriculum is such that some kids are forever being asked to do things that are way too hard in an environment that overwhelms them.
Stick them on the right course at college that leads to the right kind of job and they can fly.

This is what has happened to some dc I know. They didn't want to sit their mocks so didn't. And then came back into school to everyone else getting their mocks and marks back and going through the papers. They panicked because they didn't do the mocks and now they barely attend at all.

Much better to work with the school to support the child to have breaks etc when they're in.

Nit getting your basic qualifications will impact for years. I would do absolutely everything to prioritise getting them.

I think its fine to let them do something vocational rather than A levels. However I think its important that they attend school until then. It may feel pointless but it's about giving the right messages that in life you do have to do things reliably whether you want to or not, something's aren't optional etc. You don't want a situation where whenever something is difficult they think they can just stop. What if they carry that forward to college or a job?
I think it would be better to support them to get through the days, knowing there's an end in sight and they can go to college.
Obviously in the case of serious MH issues as you allude to in your update, you take professional advice on what would be best in your specific case.

Exactly, and DD's burnout reminded me every bit of when I was burned out at work. And got another job. It's like having the worst job you could imagine and being forced to do that for years.

I think your default needs to be that you encourage your child to express their worries and difficulties to you, listen openly and without judgement (and yes, there will be things in the school experience that will sit badly with you because school is not always the best), and frame it all as 'life can be hard, and you can do hard things'.

Be your child's advocate and problem-solve as appropriate but the first-line response is to listen and acknowledge their feelings (also the best way to keep channels of communication open so you really know what is going on).

Very occasionally it might be right, reading your child closely, to allow a day off, not to avoid a tricky event but for general recuperation, but this needs to not be the default response as (a) it teaches avoidance rather than resilience and (b) it is far harder to reenter a structured programme of lessons if you miss some.

All this assumes that you believe your child needs to be at this school taking GCSEs next year. If you have a better alternative, best to seek it out right away rather than allow them to "fail" at this school through avoidance.

I'm sure when they don't turn up for their job because they don't feel like it, that will go down well 🙄 great lesson to teach your kid. Not.

I let my teens have one day per term when they can call in sick if they’re not actually sick, I think we all just need a mental break or a duvet day sometimes. They don’t always utilise it anyway, they know that one day is the absolute limit and they are working hard on the whole so I feel this is a good balance.

Obviously OP your situation is more complex so I guess it depends on just how many days he’s taking off as to whether it’s ok, and does his therapist have an opinion about it all?

But in adult life you can to some extent choose your job / working environment. Not everyone goes to work every day in a building with 1000 others, crowded corridors, moving every hour, being asked to do work you can't do.

Yeah well, I did that. DD2 performed on stage, took tests and performed in many sports competitions, among other things before the age of 11 - experiences that would have many adults quaking in their boots at the very thought. But she could not manage secondary school. But you know what? School is not life. The rest of her life she is doing pretty well so far.

I understand the instinct, but it won't help then learn resilience for the future. School isn't the only place with systems to follow, time to abide by, expectations to achieve.

Perhaps you could build in a "calibration day" to the month where one day they have off to recalibrate, breath, come back refreshed. Just the one so they are working towards it, and then appreciating it when it comes, then back to school again.

The more achool they do miss, the harder it is tbh. I know it's already hard but missing days means missing chunks of learning so they'll be playing catch up even more.

Teaching resilience is all very well.

My DD in some ways could be viewed as not resilient given that at times she still struggles to cope and collapses for a few days.
However with a better perspective she is incredibly resilient as she has pushed through all her difficulties and is still trying and trying.

Kids with learning difficulties / SN are resilient every day at school when they keep trying in lessons that are too hard or fast for them, when they cope with the corridors and canteen, when they are teased / bullied by others.

It isn't about 'being a bit anxious' or worried about failing a test, it is about getting completely overwhelmed by the excessive demands that upper secondary places on them.

What doesn't break us makes us stronger. True. But some things break us.

no you should not let them miss school.

Before the meeting with the Senco, sit down with your DC, what would help them? Think like reasonable adjustments in the work place. Would dropping one or two GCSEs help and having somewhere to go to study? Do they sometimes get overwhelmed and need somewhere to go? Is there a pattern to the self harming e.g. dreading a particular subject or teacher? Would a reduced timetable help? Does the school use alternative provision? If so, you could ask and perhaps a day a week there might help. Do they have any therapy style sessions in school that your DC could access e.g. therapy dog, lego, music or art therapy etc. It does depend on the school and how supportive they are but there’s often a lot going on.

The thing is your childs going to have this learning difficulty for life, she won't be able to opt out when she's in employment and finding things tough.
I'm an adult with a mild learning difficulty, what i would say is you need to build up her confidence and resilience. Teach her to advocate for herself and not be ashamed of the things she struggles with.
By missing school she's being taught that she can opt out when it gets tough. When she's in employment no one will owe her that. She will end up with low confidence on top and that's just as disempowering!

Mainly by sensitively supporting your child from a young age to step out of their comfort zone. I mean that in a broad sense, not just to do with school. Life for all of us is about encountering new experiences and navigating the world.

in a situation where there is an extreme trauma response, obviously therapy, looking at different options outside mainstream school etc are appropriate. However, alongside these situations there seems to be a growing number of children who have very very low levels of resilience and are afraid of being in situations where they don’t have total control. It’s pretty worrying when you think about their long term well being. Life is full of things which we can’t control and learning acceptance of that is ultimately part of being an emotionally well adjusted adult.

Definitely. Those platforms are really dangerous to depressed teens as they can look at sites about depression, self harm etc and then the apps use logarithms which send them in a spiral.

I struggle with anxiety. I’ve missed work for big chunks because of it, and spent a lot of years on medication for it. I’ve also had school avoidant kids and a kid with a lot of absences due to physical illness. My DS14 has had quite a lot of stress at school caused by missing some important maths lessons and it’s having a major impact now. Other subjects haven’t had the same impact.

There’s been good advice above about working with the school. There is a high risk that things will get worse due to high levels of absence and getting a plan in place with school should help you all. A reduced timetable with less GSCEs seems sensible.

i find that what is therapeutic at times of acute mental illness (hiding away) can also be damaging in the medium to long term. So I have to work very carefully to find the balance. If I could, I would never leave my bedroom. But then my anxiety would be replaced with depression eventually. It’s taken me time to better identify when a break is the only realistic option, and when I need to push through. And when I take a break, I need to set limits and boundaries on this otherwise it gets harder to reengage with normal life.

I have also had to learn to anticipate and manage. So if I know there is something stressful coming up at work, I don’t schedule any social stuff until after. I build in recovery time each week, which doesn’t mean missing work or missing out with the kids (I work PT to allow this).

I wouldn’t say you are doing the wrong thing by letting him stay off, but it’s not a long-term solution, and will ultimately likely cause more problems. You need to work with school to find a level of attendance he can manage and try and stick to that. Prioritise what he attends, and set goals for him when he isn’t at school to supplement learning at home.

its not easy or straightforward, but together with school, you and your DS can get more in control
I think. Good luck.

You give them opportunities to fail. They try, fail, the world doesn’t end. It’s a good lesson.

In sport, they compete and feel pressured - sometimes win, sometimes lose. It’s a good lesson.

With drama - same thing with going through the pressure of performance.

Art - the pressure of submitting work for criticism.

Are you providing them with opportunity to be subject to failure so they can grow resilience? At school there are too many opportunities to opt out. I believe a parent’s role is to seek out these chances at home.