AIBU to let my Year 10 child miss school sometimes?

What has the school said about the absences?
Do you know why your child doesn't want to go to school specifically?
GCSE time seems a crucial time to attend and if your child isnt able to they will need support if they are to fulfill their potential and have choices moving forward.

Reduced timetable considerations.

What (option) subject(s) is causing most stress / workload / most likely to fail.

Where on the timetable do the lessons fall? Are there some days when the lessons are at end of day or start of day / adjacent to non examined subjects such as PE? If so that would enable late starts / early finishes rather than trapped time if logistics would work and you want that.

If trapped time then approach school with a plan - where would DC go and what would they do? Would it be 'decompressing in library' or 'working on homework in inclusion unit' ? They would need to be supervised.

Really? Are any of us the same person as we were at 16? As adults we have fully formed psychological processes for coping with adversity, we have many more practical resources, and much more choice an autonomy. We can choose our working environment and the people we associate with.

My DS is in first year of high school, he’s doing really well but with the best will in the world the school is chaotic. We expect kids to move around every 45 minutes in crowded corridors, with different teachers with different expectations in them, they change focus every 45 minutes, barely have time to eat and the behaviour of some kids is off the scale. And that’s before ridiculous rules, pressure to attend and pressure to succeed.

It’s reasonable to think that environment would cause significant stress for some young people, who have no choice but to be there. Most of us won’t work in such a challenging environment and can pace what we do, who we associate with. It’s ridiculous to say a child that can’t cope with school won’t be able to cope as an autonomous adult.

i also have a dc yr10 with mild learning difficulties (seriously slow processing amongst other things) so you & your dc have my sympathy - it’s really miserable at school when you can barely keep up with the lessons as they happen, let alone recall with any clarity what you’re meant to have learnt. My dc is utterly exhausted by the basic school day and has also had some mental health issues as a result. Do ask if you can reduce the number of GCSEs they’re doing - maths, English language, double science and an extra option (or ideally 2) should more than suffice to get them onto college BTEC or T-level courses. Dc has chosen coursework heavy options where they can spend time at the weekend on it (and have some parental guidance when needed). The reduced timetable also gives them time to go over what they’ve done in the subjects they’re still taking - if they are not allowed to spend these in the library or a supervised alternative study space then at the back of another class with noise cancelling headphones and some basic worksheets/revision sheets to work on would be fine.

I think so too op.

They can't avoid for ever but sometimes we need to find the right path, and having support to do so is far more likely to result in a healthy outcome for your dc than cowering to the pressure to look resilient from the outside.

Build real resilience, which doesn't always involve looking like everyone else. But you do need a plan of some sort, not just a dipping in and out and hiding from the issues.

Good luck - and well done for listening.

I sympathise, but it's important that you both realise the impact poor attendance may have on future options. I was a form tutor for over 30 years and encountered a few times students being refused places at college due to poor attendance. One has dipped just below 90% and wanted to do a plumbing course, but the college would not consider him.

The more school you miss, the harder it becomes. It’s a vicious circle.

I do agree with this.

I come from a family of high achievers, but as I have got older and wiser, I have had pause at times to re-evaluate what really matters.

I think there is an awful lot of emphasis on concepts like resilience and drive, which I don't disagree with as desirable values, but I don't always agree with the standard package dished out by society as to how those things are achieved.

Is it really such an inspiring end goal to become conditioned to grind along to a 9 to 5 job, set your alarm, brush your teeth, trundle to a job that does little for you because you can't think of a better one, lunch, home for "tea", watch a bit of something, bed to a regime... I mean it's safe.

Some of the people I have known with the most fulfilling lives have had the courage to recognise what works for them. Of course that has to be tied to a realistic plan to get there, but maybe training your dc to be a path dependent 9 to 5er is not playing to their strengths - especially if it is making them that depressed - and you need to really look hard at how you can point them towards what works.

Ultimately, schooling is a legal requirement at your dc's age but there are options. Many more people are opting for various home-schooling options. I don't believe that flogging someone along a path they are not suited to is a desirable result or "win." But I think an overhaul of the arrangements is better than plodding on with school that just isn't being properly attended. That isn't an alternative plan, it's a botched attempt.

Like many others - and I think increasing numbers of others - I don't necessarily think "the system" is all it is cracked up to be for preparing dc for life. It's more a case of inuring them to uninspired, tooth-gritting endurance, which, let's face it, isn't really living.

I dont agree with this. He could have chronic stress caused by years of school with a learning difference. Doesn't matter if its mild, its still a masking effort every day, for many years. Add the stress of GCSEs and it can get overwhelming. It doesnt have anything to do with resilience if this is the biology thats going on in his body. If this is whays happening give him a day off here and there as a pressure release. Its not a bad thing to teach kids to respect their body and mental health even if it means pushing back against the done thing now and then.

Since you WFH, it might be possible to look into online schooling for her.

It's worth asking, better to present them with a solution.

Sorry to say, but children need to build resilience and learn to cope under pressure.
Life is hard. We cannot as functioning adults hop in and out of commitments in the home, Life and work.
Doing things that make you nervous, uneasy, uncomfortable and that you judt dont want to do build resilience, and completing exams and coursework help you work out how to cope under pressure.

There is a whole other argument about how the school system needs an overhaul and I agree to some extent but at present, to succeed in life you generally need to come out of school with decent grades, have resilience and common sense to get you through life's uphill battles and know how best you cope when under pressure / stress.

Avoiding things does not solve the problem. It compounds it.

There is a really good book on anxiety/resilience and courage called "face the fear and do it anyway"

This can be applied to any situation, we all feel tired at times, cba, dont want to fo things, we need to though.
Giving your child odd days off is damaging to their education, and what example does it set for work ethic?

The thing is, school can be such a toxic environment these days, that it is essentially abusive to send a child who is already struggling to cope - to the point of self-harming - back into it every day. I agree we need to teach and model resilience, but we wouldn’t say that to a woman living with an abusive partner. There are situations where resilience is actually harmful.

Right - NOT as bad as I imagined (ex secondary headteacher here)!

I think the advice you're taking to be pro-actuve and talk to her school, possibly arrange reduced timetable, etc is good.

I asked about what she's doing when not in school because I think you need to make sure she has a "timetable" for those times, so that her time is structured. This could be doing work and reading for the subjects she going to focus on, and/or activities her therapist might recommend. It miggt also be exercise or hobby-related - but I recommend it's "timetabled", rather than 'teenage faffing'.

Further to my post, my child was self harming in years 8 and some of year 9.
The school was absolutely amazing with her and arranged therapy. Which she leaned into and overcame. She is now in year 11. It has taken a a lot of effort and focus to catch up on her part and I’m not sure she is where she was before - but I honestly think school avoidance would not have helped her situation.
It’s incredibly scary when you are in the thick of it. But there is light and hope that with support they can grow. My child is a stronger, more grounded person on the other side of this. Props to her.

This x 100. Why would anyone want a child to burn out?
having Sen in a mainstream school where often teachers don’t have enough knowledge or resources to support effectively means that your child is often trying much harder than their peers and dealing with fallout of not achieving, embarrassment if they are receiving extra help and so many other things draining their nervous system.
let them take time out when needed.
they’re kids with extra needs , not adults who’ve learned how to cope with all of life’s challenges in a naturally progressive environment.

How many GCSEs are they sitting. If it’s quite a few could they drop some and focus on key GCSEs which then frees up some of their
timetable (could start later or finish earlier).

For example if they are sitting geography unless they really love it do they need to? I think focusing on maths, English, science could
be the way forward. They might get better grades on the core subjects too.

You would need to weigh this up with career plans / a level plans for the future so you don’t lock them out of plans

It sounds like a sensible approach to me, OP. Forcing them into school was entirely counterproductive for us and is not recommended now.

It sounds like you are managing his needs very well and he is getting an education in a way that works for him.

I am a teacher and I have seen an increasing number of young people unable to attend school for a variety of reasons including, but not limited to, SEND, the curriculum and worsening behaviour in schools. Unfortunately, my experience has been that most children who start out missing a few days here and there, tend to end up eventually not attending at all and they have never managed to come back in, despite remaining on our registers and being given lots of support and encouragement (not pressure). Out of 15 children like this in recent years, only one has managed to still get decent GCSE grades because they were studying at home - the others either haven’t sat the exams or end up with very low grades in just a few core subjects. All of these children qualified for a selective school, so are in the top 40% academically. I totally understand that school will not be right for everyone, so it’s not a question of forcing them in - I wouldn’t be spending hours a day trying to persuade my child in - or of letting them pick and choose, in my opinion. It’s more important to make a conscious choice to do education differently and having a clear expectation and plan around that. If that’s setting boundaries for what can be done on the occasional days that school feels ‘too much’ that still means it’s purposeful and good for their resilience/mental health, great. If it’s a plan for a reduced timetable agreed with school, great. If it’s home education and just removing the idea of school altogether, great. If it’s just being allowed to drift into avoiding difficult situations and getting no education at all bit-by-bit, it’s definitely not the kind way to support that child in the long term. Even a child struggling with school needs structure and a bit of gentle pushing along to be able to achieve what they’re capable of and to build/preserve their self-esteem.

I'd suggest a reduced timetable - just focus on the subjects she needs for 16+ plans.