AIBU to let my Year 10 child miss school sometimes?

I think a PP said to go off sick with stress

Would you say the same thing if they were in employment?

And how are they going to manage when they decide they don’t like work? Because workplaces won’t accept them constantly taking time off for no reason other than they don’t like work! You need to build resilience in your child and keep allowing them to take time off isn’t doing that! They will fall even further behind in GCSEs with time off and it will only become harder!

Does your DC know what they want to do and what they need to get there?

I do think that for those struggling like this focusing on the core subjects and any others where they have a particular strength (e.g if talented in art) makes sense.

Trying to teach kids struggling with English another language just seems pointless. Rather than missing random days, having a few periods free to catch up makes sense.

But randomly missing days and getting behind in everything will only increase stress.

Meet with the school and see if there's a better plan all round.

AI can be helpful here in gathering your thoughts and suggesting questions or actions points - or just making everything more neutral in tone so it becomes about solutions rather than grievances.

But that isn't the advice always given? People are regularly told, speak to your line manager, reach out to HR, see if you can improve the situation?? You don't just give up your job and hide at home when the going gets tough. Yes if it's really awful you seek another job - and if someone's child was really unhappy in an awful school I'd absolutely say yes consider moving schools. I wouldn't however, suggest just giving up entirely on school?

I agree with you but would nudge and encourage and explore and listen to feelings.

So I would ask how they were feeling before hand and address any fears. I would suggest they try to sit through and tolerate some discomfort in their own awareness.

Most importantly I would get them to check in with their feelings after the activity - as often the fear has subsided, didn’t materialise, they coped fine with the activity or they even enjoyed it. In my workplace this is called ‘after action review’.

And then the next time going to a similar activity I would ask them to remember how they felt AFTER the last time and tap into that feeling rather than the anticipatory anxiety which we all feel throughout our lives.

I am an extrovert working in a very stressful and exposed role - and everyday and every meeting I have to take a deep breath before stepping forward. I tell myself to be brave, to ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’, to have ‘courage’ - knowing there cannot be courage without fear - it’s part of the package - that moves us forward.

I agree with this too, but I do think they need to feel there is a "help" button.

Part of what makes children feel safe is parents being in charge. When you are in charge you take responsibility, you make the decision. The most secure children are those who don't need to worry - because mum/dad have got this. They feel safe, they know exactly where the boundaries are, they know mum and dad won't let them stray too far off the path.

This doesn't mean crazy authoritarian parenting but parents do need to be the ones in charge, not the child.

Another insightful comment.

I note a similar attitude in many situations where children are expected to be more adult than the adults.

That's well put.

And it makes things out to be All Important that sometimes are just goals or values that don't pertain to the individual. I guess it's a kind of enforced Group Think that means they are frowned on and told they are a failure for not buying into.

Never did I say force them.

I have one very socially outgoing child. One very very shy introverted child. I didn't force either but I absolutely taught both to be able cope with situations they weren't 100% uncomfortable with. That's part of life.

True resilience comes from within, from a place of safety. Forcing kids into school when they are anxious about it is going to do the opposite.

I find it so I interesting that if an adult is struggling at work, very stressed and the environment is not good for them, the advice is to find another job or go off sick for a bit. But children, who are less mature than adults, are expected to just suck it up.

Exactly. There's a lot of bludgeoning.

As a shy child, I couldn't disagree more with half of this. Forced participation just made me fucking hate forced participation and it took me decades to undo feelings of obligation that have got nothing to do with resilience and everything to do with adults forcing their will on you when you're a powerless child.

I don’t think you know what resilience means.

I let my DC skip school to study and revise at home.

@usedtobeaylis

There's such a mismatch between expectations and the general principle of resilience - it doesn't mean you're able to cope with everything perfectly at every stage.

Absolutely. I loathe the way "resilience" is trotted out all the time unthinkingly as some stupid buzzword by people who don't know what it means. And the suggestion that the way you teach it is bludgeoning your kids into doing things they hate, riding roughshod over their feelings and ignoring their needs.

There's a spectrum here: obviously a kid can't be encouraged to avoid anything which makes them uncomfortable or anxious. There is definitely a problem with the pathologisation of ordinary, everyday feelings and which, frankly, some kids manipulate. The epidemic of people removing their kids from school because they didn't want to deal with school uniform, for example, or because they couldn't be arsed to get them up in the morning, is an example of where resilience really is lacking.

But learning resilience doesn't mean blindly going along with everything you are asked to do without questioning anything. It doesn't mean working yourself into burnout or suicidal ideation, forcing yourself to accept bullying or misery just to keep up appearances.

It's about deriving strength from overcoming hurdles when you can but also learning enough about yourself to recognise when the stress you are under is doing more harm than good. And finding ways to study and learn which fit you.

For one thing, you don't start when they are like 10, or 13, or whatever.

Its starts right from when they are tiny.
When they are 2 or 2.5 years old and don't want to join in at toddler story time at the library, you firmly encourage them because actually they'll be fine once they sit down. You don't just give up and say 'oh he doesn't want to'.

When they are 4.5 and in reception and don't want to do the reading book because it isn't all easy, you persevere and say no come on we need to do this, 'yes it's tricky but reading is really important, tell you what you read a line then I'll read a line, stick at it'. And if needed you say 'I'm not putting the telly on til we've done the reading so come on we are getting it done, end of'. Yes the child might have a bit of a tantrum but you ride it out, you don't give in a put the telly on or let them off doing it.

Because it's a damn sight easier to have this battle with them when they are small. Too many people give in to the little stuff with a young child because they don't want to put the work in but actually this is when it matters. By age 12/13 it shouldn't be a battle, my kids wouldn't dream of just giving up on something because they've learned over the years to persevere. And I don't have to 'force' them to do anything, they learnt years ago that in our house parents are in charge and there are consequences if you don't do as your asked without bloody good reason.

Resilience is built through their whole childhood.

Just to say-my children being allowed to have the occasional day off appears to have had no negative impact on their success in adult life.Obviously I can’t prove it, but I am as sure as I can be that it’s had a positive impact.

Not by forcing them into situations they find distressing. A lot of people of Mumsnet seems to be big fans of the idea of 'resilience' through forcing kids into situations that upset them but actually resilience is taught and learned through what you're doing - supporting your child through a tough time. It sounds like you're doing a lot right and seeking the right external help and support. There's such a mismatch between expectations and the general principle of resilience - it doesn't mean you're able to cope with everything perfectly at every stage. I'm a grown adult and very resilient but still take time off work if it's needed, take time out of social activities of it's needed, ask my daughter's dad to pick up the slack if its needed. Part of being resilient is understanding your limitations, putting in place boundaries, and seeking and gaining support. It's not about just forcing people, children, into hard situations to sink or swim. It's about learning how to navigate hard situations. You need support to be able to do that in a healthy way. God knows there are enough bootstraps types in the word who do NOT manage tough times and pressure healthily.

For the specific time off school question, only you can know that. You're, again, seeking support for a plan to keep them in school as much possible so until that's in place, you're the best judge along with your child of what is manageable and helpful for them.

Yabu

They are only in half days on Mondays and so these are the days that they should absolutely be made to go in.

I think Mondays are the worst days to have off anyway as it adds to the anxiety but you’re in a great position to tell that him that he needs to go in as they’re only in for the morning.
It’s literally only 3 hours.

It’s a great way to improve resilience without feeling like a bad mum for forcing them to go in.

I would then allow them to have other days off if they need to but try my hardest to encourage them to go in, as once they start having time off it can make the situation worse - but sometimes we all need a day off to recharge and I wouldn’t feel guilty over it.

I would speak to school and explain that he is struggling and ask that they support you to help nip it in the bud.
Tell them that you have come up with an agreement that he’ll come in every day but if he is really struggling then they can be picked up at lunchtime, with the hopes that once they’re in they won’t need collecting early.

@Calliopespa

I think there is an awful lot of emphasis on concepts like resilience and drive, which I don't disagree with as desirable values, but I don't always agree with the standard package dished out by society as to how those things are achieved.

Is it really such an inspiring end goal to become conditioned to grind along to a 9 to 5 job, set your alarm, brush your teeth, trundle to a job that does little for you because you can't think of a better one, lunch, home for "tea", watch a bit of something, bed to a regime... I mean it's safe.

I completely agree.

You do undoubtedly need to apply yourself to whatever you decide to focus on.

But one of the hardest things to do as a teenager or young adult, is to decide what it essential and what you can afford to ignore.

Resilience, in the sense of working hard at what you are good at/want to achieve, is incredibly important. But school, by its nature, often doesn't allow people much autonomy to decide that. It funnels kids into the machine and tells them they have to do absolutely everything. When a kid is confused, burned out or depressed, its very difficult to disentangle what you hate from what you just feel resentful about.

That’s interesting given a previous poster has said she didnt allow her DC to take Mondays and Tuesdays off as that’s when after a weekend anyone is at their lowest (there is even a No1 song about it) - and would also chime with my earlier post of pushing through mornings when our biology is creating some resistance. IMHO the time for contemplation is after a therapy session not before it.

How is she at the end of the day rather than the beginning. Does she have friends, does she participate in any non academic stuff at school sport / drama etc? Or is she accessing these important social and emotional development opportunities in settings outside of school. My family have lots of ND and academics were not brilliant but the now successful adults tapped in to the school system and community to learn important social skills that have allows them to flourish in careers and lead very enriching lives. Quality social connections and accomplishment in any hobby/interest is critical to build an inner confident drive.

Year 10 is a walk in the park compared to year 11 so I would worry that not teaching them resilience now, is really setting them up for a traumatic year next year.

We’ve had wobbles at times with our teens but what we’ve always said is that you have to at least try to go in. To call or text me if they need to come home and I’ll be at the school straight away to help them.

9 times out of 10, once they were there, they were fine. We made sure the school was aware of issues and they had a teacher they could “escape” to if overwhelmed.

It’s hard, but I think it’s important to teach kids that sometimes you don’t want to do stuff but you have to just get on with it. That’s life.