AIBU to let my Year 10 child miss school sometimes?

YABU

I agree. But then there are people who use the real working life argument and say they shouldn't be made to do homework.

Personally I believe children should be in school all tge time unless really ill. Sets them up for real working life.

I think it largely depends on whether or not they are making effort to keep up with the rest and not fall behind. I've missed a ton of classes in both high school and college and I knew there woukd be consequences so I did my best to still learn everything I could've missed to make sure I'll do fine during the exams and tests. If anything, it taught me that some situations, in fact, could be well avoided as long as you're ready to face the consequences and do something to stay in line.

On the home days would the person just study at home?

How do you people teach resilience?

Not sure you can - you try and teaching coping techniques and provide props/aid and support.

Our DC have SEN and ND - they took longer to pick some basic skills like reading and maths concepts up but they did it and then flew with them. There was a lot of "advice" of accepting they'd never get there which we thankfully ignored.

One of DD2 friends who failed to turn up to one of the maths GCSE papers so convienced there was no point - passed level 2 at college first re-take. She often missed lesson and her mother was telling her it was all fine not to have GCSE and she's never pass plus school had low expectations. She found post 16 she needs GCSE - but has found college is a better place to learn not least because they tell her she can do things and she found they are right.

If you have turtoing in place and she still struggling - I would be trying to get a reduce timetable - she need five GCSE grade 4 and abov inlcuding maths and Enlish lang to open as many doors as possible post 16 - and if that's looking unlikely you need to look now at what your area has so she knows what options are there.

I'm not against the idea of eeduc8ng demand but I think I'd want to be clear what that is. At the moment it looks like your teen is extending the weekend into Monday and tbh if they are missing thet time and still wanting to achieve good exam results that's going to mean catching up their own time which I think you'll agree isn't feasible.

You'd be better making a plan for whatever success looks like for them. Maybe that's 5 good GCSEs to get onto the next course, in which case I'd still push for full time attendance but only expect them to really work hard at the 5 agreed subjects and revise for them. But that of course is a deliberate decision to narrow the scope of their future so it is a trade off.

I think you're better off deciding what outcome you all want to achieve and then planning for that rather than just accepting that a teen knows their limits and can manage that.

I know you won't want to hear it but as adults we all think our parents should have made different decisions so just prepare yourself that if you do narrow options, they may resent you in 10 years if life isn't going as they expected so just do what you think is best and stand by it.

Making children sit with mild discomfort says "you can cope with mild discomfort".
Never letting them sit with discomfort says "you are not strong, you need me to cope for you because you cannot cope".
I think where PPs are wrong is that they won't let their child do anything that causes them even mild discomfort.
If things are a cause of major distress they need to be cut down to the point where they are only a cause of mild distress - not avoided entirely.

If they didn't want to physically go to school, would you work to facilitate learning but just at home? I think that's fine and sensible. My DC have skipped school,yes, but to revise and study at home.

I allowed mine to miss school. They are both AuDHD and I genuinely thought it was okay.

But it a slippery slope as one day here or there becomes one day a week, becomes multiple days. Then you have (in my case) one child who is then unable to adjust to regular attendance at 6th form so was asked to leave twice -ended up doing an access course and going to uni 3 years later; and another child who SHOULD have got high grades but fluffled his GCSEs because you can’t really catch up from online notes/text books and there is so much stuff communicated in class about exam technique that they miss.

DC1 is still struggling with uni and likely to be kicked out and/or repeat a year. I have low expectations they will ever hold down a FT job at the rate they are going. It’s heartbreaking as they are an Astar/gifted student. I feel [know] it is our fault for behaving as though they were special and should be allowed to not attend all the time.

DC2 was devastated by GCSE results and started at the only local tech that would take him with his grades. Has missed one day due to migraine in 2 years, and is projected to get A/Astars in Alevels. They have turned their life around but only by understanding that they HAVE to attend every lesson, every day.

If I could go back to yr 10 for my eldest, I would have physically walked them into school every bloody day and insisted they make it through the day, even if that meant visiting the pastoral hub regularly.

Speak to the school and get support - counselling, support from the pastoral lead, establish what options there are in the day if DC is overwhelmed/low/struggling. But, no, I wouldn’t encourage MH days off.

You can only encourage them to explore once they feel safe in my experience. I was shy and my daughter was a shy baby, absolute no way in hell was I pushing her forward the way I was, against every fibre of my own being. I was judged quite a lot by my own family for approaching it the way I did, as a responsive parent first and foremost - I didn't make her sit with any discomfort. She had a particular quirk she used to do when she was feeling shy and I know the prevailing idea was to just push her forward, don't let her be shy. Instead I let her quirk out as much as she needed to. She's 11 now and the most outgoing, social person in my entire family but she is not afraid to step back or to say she needs to step back. She's very, very strong in her boundaries and feels safe to express and enforce them, but also feels safe to push herself, and actually she is capable of making that decision on her own to a large degree. I strongly believe it comes from feeling safe first and foremost. Just pushing without the a scaffolding doesn't benefit any child imo.

The would they miss the morning if they’re already going to miss the afternoon? That’s the day I’d make sure they definitely went in. They only need to do the morning!
You wouldn’t take a whole day off work for an appt. Also missing time off then causes anxiety of missed work, how to do things etc it become a vicious circle.

What's the difference between forcing and 'firmly encourage and don't give up'?

@Sunriseseaview I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. I followed the advice of educational professionals and forced my clearly distressed child into school and it ended in burnout for months. School does not suit everyone and the one size fits all approach is so damaging. You can take exams at any point in your life, there is no timeline that everyone has to follow. Go with your gut you know your child better than anyone x

Obviously I don't agree with them.

Unless Monday morning's lessons are all non-academic subjects, it’s really not a good idea to miss the same ones every week. If, for example, DD misses a maths lesson every Monday, she will find the maths lessons she does go to much harder to understand.

I would say that you put them in situations which are just outside their comfort zone, but which you know are likely to be achievable for them. And if they don't manage it the first time, you keep encouraging them to give it another go.

Resilience comes from pushing yourself, knowing you might succeed and you might fail but giving it a go anyway. Support without judgement, so they feel safe to try but not afraid of failure.

I see this a lot with volunteering with girlguiding. Many children seem to be being raised to be fearful about trying anything new, many parents too tbh. We encourage them to give new things a go, and keep gently nudging them forwards, with lots of support and praise. Seeing them be so proud of themselves at achieving something they didn't think they could do is such a joy

Does your daughter do any extra curriculars? Sometimes having something to focus on outside school can be helpful, if school is challenging. It's can be counter intuitive as may feel that already overloaded, but doing something active may be better for her mental health than being at home, where temptation can be to just go on screens

I would never drag my child physically to school and if they were in year 10 I’d be unlikely to be able to as they are already bigger than me apart from the smallest!
My eldest one is in secondary school
now and is doing ok but primary was very different. Due ASD he struggled had no friends etc and was always an outsider. Some days when he was crying and begging not to go in, he stayed at home.
I managed to keep his attendance up by agreeing I would pick him up early if he went in or he would go in fractionally later etc
The current school system fails some children, it is very different to when I went.
I would speak to the school and see if a reduced timetable can be agreed, where core subjects are attended and others aren’t.
School is just a small snapshot, I have a friends that left school at 16 with no GCSE’s who had families early but then when back into education when their children were older and they now have degrees and work in a whole range of jobs.
Once she has left secondary school, doing her choice of a practical course at college she will probably fly.
In some ways I wish they’d let some students do apprenticeships little earlier if not academic like they used to. My Dad hated school left at 14 for an apprenticeship, my brother who has ADHD struggled with school/behaviour and left at 16 to do an apprenticeship and now runs his own very successful business.
School is not the be all and end all and if it’s affecting your child to the point of self harming etc mental health must come first.

Just based on what my DC’s school is doing - if school agrees to reduced timetable or similar especially in year 11 check what attendance level is needed for prom attendance and ask that it be adjusted to something achievable for your child, if prom is important to them. My DC’s school has said any unauthorised absence this half term means no prom and if already bought tickets will be refunded and cancelled.

I don’t want to force them; I encourage them but feel the drive should come from within and I hope they will find their path;

If my parents had taken this stance I would never have gone to school at all. Primary was OK but I hated secondary from the day I started to the day left.

Which will rack up time off sick and result in the workplace taking action regarding excessive sick leave! So the result is the same and their job is on the line!

I wouldn't however, suggest just giving up entirely on school?

Well they can't anyway: it's illegal.

But equally I think banging your head against a brick wall to build resilience isn't a good way forward either.

Other schools, home-schooling options ... Op needs to have a think and I don't think she needs to feel those kind of readjustments are some sort of failure or carry the stigma of failing to instil resilience. True resilience is the ability to really figure out what works for us and how to go about it, not to hide in the masses feeling depressed.

Speak to your child and get a full understanding of what the issues are with school. They need to try and be as specific as possible. I.e The Maths teacher goes to fast in his explanations as opposed to I just don’t like Maths.

Look at the issues and determine if anything can be changed simply.

Speak to the school and ask them what they are experiencing from your child and share his issues with them to see if they can be resolved.

I would let your child have tomorrow off school to go through all of this and try and get a handle on what’s going on.

Most people who have never experienced this, will think you are a weak parent, you don’t care, you are setting them to fail, what happens when they get a job blah blah blah but this is different.

You know your child, you know if they have genuine issues or if they are taking the piss and want to stay in bed all day on TikTok.

I had a “school refuser” we tried everything. I understand the situation.

They left school with no GCSE’s, but immediately started an apprenticeship and is absolutely thriving.

If the reason for skipping school is due to "pressure", this won't be helped by missing lessons and getting behind with the learning.

Hard to know TBH - as it depends on the child.

We expected them to go in and did in primary have to force it a bit - they were fine and there's been no lasting effects - there are at uni doing well socially and acadmcially. We worried given personalities involved that once would quickly be all the time.

Secondary with DD2 it was school without consulting us or asking for GP information decided DD2 could miss some lessons due to anxiety in Y10 - we had to encourage and find ways to keep her in the lessons having no levers to pull once she was in school - ear plugs rescus remedy fidget toys and constant remider sshe be better of being taught by subject teacher. We also had to for two subjects basically teach them at home - and she did well in end.

I think generally it is better to keep them in as much as possible - or switch to home schooling. However once you hit mental health issues like self harm - it's much harder to actually tell what's best - and some kids do well with a break as they just can't cope in the school. Makes it very hard as a parent to know how to proceed - and think comes down to knowing the actual child involved.