AIBU to let my Year 10 child miss school sometimes?

But what about the children who do thrive in that environment of which there are many?

I loved doing exams at school. I honestly miss the challenge. I absolutely hated coursework. I’d hate to love to a system without the academic vigour and pressure.

you can’t have a system that suits every child. It is impossible.

It is neither necessary nor possible for everyone to feel "safe" all the time.

Why does everyone need to feel safe all the time? It is good for both adults and children to feel mildly unsafe some of the time because that is how we work out what is risky and what is not, what we can do and not, and how we overcome anxiety.

The thing is, many schools don't understand. I never lied about why DS couldn't make it in but that didn't stop the prosecution letters and threats of fines. This still happened when they were supporting him. The issue is, huge secondary schools will never be the right environment for many children.

I am on the fence. As a teacher I see how this will not help them when it comes to their exams, it is impossible to catch up on missed work. Every day is 5-6 lessons where he/she is missing teacher explanation and then when they may attempt to catch up they have homework to contend with too. I have lots of students who have gaps in their knowledge that will never be filled.

However, the current school system is not fit for modern society. The world has changed since the Victorian period and it is about time our school system was replanned for the 21st Century. Forcing 1,000 people into an outdated building for 7 hours a day, learning a curriculum that does not resonate with them at all, being told to remember hundreds and hundreds of pieces of knowledge that they’re tested on at the end, pointless homework for the sake of OFsted box ticking. I can see why students like your child become disenchanted and overwhelmed. I am the same as a teacher.

The more they miss, the more they get behind, the weaker the connection with their friends/peers, the greater the stress.

The answer is either greater support in school or a different educational approach.

Absolutely.

I actually agree with this also, though I think some people are talking it through as starting with discomfort and then not being able to cope with anything that might be a bit difficult. However there are also so many variables - a PP mentioned their child doing really well at a local tech and maybe for a lot of children colleges are a better fit for their needs, for example. School is utter shit for a lot of children, it's square pegs and round holes, and resilience doesn't cover it anyway.

I believe this too.

I think the reverse order engenders ostensible copers, who manifest their discomfort in other ways.

It also reinforcing the ‘I can’t cope’ mentality. When actually, they need to learn to cope and build resilience

You build their sense of safety before challenges/discomfort/'firm encouragement'. Not the other way around.

This.
they’ll end up doing the same in their jobs.

That sounds really positive. I’m interested in why you’d need to lie to school though, surely you’d tell them they need a day off and the school would understand that as part of a wider plan to help them manage the stress associated with school. Telling the school a fib about why they’re off won’t get the help and support your child needs. I’d just be honest with them.

This sounds like a step in the right direction and shows you are making your child feel safe while also making clear that school is non negotiable. A good approach.

You do have to hold the line on attendance though.

My DS has AuDHD it took so long to get the diagnosis so he'd left school by this time.
He was overwhelmed and got burnt out so often at school so I did this and I don't care what others opinions are, school doesn't always teach what children need to survive in a NT world.
I agreed that 1 day per half term he could have off, but we would do something that he liked, so we would plan the day out, it would aline with his interests and and be educational, so museums etc.
It really helped and gave him something to work in school towards.
He's nearly 30 now, has been in full time employment for over 10 years, earns well, owns a home etc and most importantly has had the total of 20 days off sick in 10 years ( he counts) this was for back surgery and he was supposed to be off longer but he wanted to go back, his work ethic is amazing, even though he's not overly keen on his job.
He still plans for his 1 day per 'half term' outing, using his allocated holiday.
I was lead by my child's needs and my understanding of them and not what others thought.

If they have less that 95% attendance the EWO from the Council will arrange meetings with you at school with his HOY, to discuss strategies. Missing y10 content is unforgivable as it will affect their GCSE results. Im sure you have put Access arrangements in place, this is possible even without a formal diagnosis.

YABVU. DC can't just miss work in the future just cuz ...

This sounds positive and empowering for your DC, hopefully school will support and this will tackle the source of stress rather than having to use absence to tackle the results of stress. Wishing you both all the best xx

High school teacher here. I really sympathise with you/your DC, but would ask you to look at how missing multiple days might make school MORE stressful due to missing the GCSE curriculum. I have students in similar situations to your DC, and it can be a negative spiral, as they come in having missed big chunks of the texts we’re studying (English) and feel lost, unable to complete assessments, panicked about not knowing the texts for the exams etc. Rather than your DC having random days off, could you work with the school’s pastoral and send staff, to work out a reduced timetable? So your DC maybe drops 1-2 of their options GCSEs, and commits to being in school for core subjects and an options subject they enjoy?

I had similar, my daughter had a few random sickness days and then she opened up why. I wasn’t happy with her just missing days even though I understood why. I spoken to school about it. She is ND and was struggling. The agreement we came to is that when she feels like that she emails the HOY just a single word. This tells them she is struggling and the will give extra support. She has done this a couple of times and has not asked for any more sick days.

There is a middle ground. You find a way for them to complete the work, with the support of the school and if that means supervised working from home when they need a quiet day, then fine.
Taking a day to play Minecraft or hang around the shops because they can't be bothered is not.

What was your scaffolding to ensure she felt safe?

I think describing it as 'discomfort' is minimising. I was a school refuser. Forcing me in would not only have been impossible, but also wouldn't have taught me anything about resilience and everything about how many people are jerks.

I hold down a job just fine - but I also recognise when that job is burning me out, and when something needs to change, and as an adult, I have that power. I also recognise when I have to power through and just get shit done. I actually think skipping school and studying for my GCSEs/A-levels alone was what taught me that skill.

Forcing a child into school who's burning out is teaching them that no-one is on their side, and that's a terrible place to feel you are. I know this.