AIBU to let my Year 10 child miss school sometimes?

She got all 7s and 8s. Then B,B,B at A level (2xSTEM + art) which she was a bit disappointed by, but understands why. She's now at the local agricultural college doing another L3 course that she absolutely loves. A lot is taught outside and is perfect for her. She should probably have done this immediately instead of A levels but like many ND people she finds change extremely difficult. And it is thought that children with autism are a few years behind their peers in emotional development. This makes total sense to us. She couldn't have handled college at 16 (she wanted to stay at school where she felt 'safe') but could at 18. I'm still more involved with college than the average parent, but she's doing really well and afterwards hopes to go to a local university to do a degree in a related subject. There is no way she could have gone to university at 18, but at 20 or 21, it might be a realistic possibility.

What GCSEs did she get? What are her A-level subjects? Glad she's enjoying them, hoping to go to uni after?

Meow

Meow

OP I have only read the first half of the thread but I have read all your posts. My DD has AuDHD and has self harmed through the stress of school. She has been on medication she was 8 and has seen a psychologist regularly since about age 11.

She has missed a lot of school. At first I tried what many on this thread are suggesting - to get her in no matter what. Sometimes I'd be trying for 5 or 6 hours until giving up for the day. It was counterproductive and made things worse because she wasn't getting the day she needed to recharge in order to feel better and be more able to cope the next day, she was getting more stressed and more likely that we'd have the same battle again tomorrow. Her mental health plummeted and things just kept getting worse. Her psychologist advised me that if DD said she needed to be off, to let her, so that she could actually use the day to feel better. She also got DD to promise to try and go in whenever she could, as if she took too much time off it would create even more problems for her. This approach helped. Allowing those rest days did mean she was better able to function at other times.

Other things that helped were that if she was unsure about whether she could cope that day, promising that I'd pick her up if she needed me to, and doing it. We got an agreement with school that she could go to the office and ask them to phone me. The alternative was that she wouldn't be in school at all, so they agreed.

Lastly, working with the school and being absolutely honest with them meant that they agreed a part time timetable for her - initially dropping the subjects she wouldn't be doing at GCSE a year or 2 early. Then doing one less GCSE, and being allowed to have late starts and early finishes when she had no lesson on. If she needed a day off for MH I didn't need to lie. Working with both the school and the psychologist meant that we had an agreed, consistent approach.

This meant that although her attendance was low, she was in school for the important lessons. Building resilience in cases like my daughter and yours just isn't really a thing. It's about trying to get them through the day in one piece, and many posters on this thread won't understand that. It also has no bearing on whether she'll be able to hold down a job, because as you get older you are better able to control your environment. There are many different jobs and many different working environments. If you can't cope in an office you can do another type of job. My DD could not cope with with secondary school and needed those days off. It's not worth destroying a child's mental health and risking far worse consequences by forcing it. Her attendance in GCSE year was 30%, but a lot of it was sanctioned by the school, e.g. afternoons off when she had no lesson or PE. Arriving at break when she had no lesson first thing. She still got good GCSEs.

For A levels she attended far more because she chose 3 subjects she enjoyed, which really helped. Now she's at college and it's better again.

This was very long, I know, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone in going through this, that 'normal' strategies can actually make things worse and the best thing is to work with your DDs therapist and the school to find a way that she can manage and that helps her rather than makes things worse. And don't feel judged by people who don't understand.

BTECs were being replaced with T levels, not A levels being replaced.
And T levels have had their issues compared with the tried and tested Extended BTEC diplomas.

A-levels are on their way out now and being replaced by T levels
People need to keep up

BTecs can build to A-levels too. And to various college courses and job opportunities. Shame people are so snobbish about them that it’s difficult for schools to offer them nowadays.

Examinations whether we like it or not are the gateways
But they aren’t the only way is I only passed four GCSEs and ended up with a doctorate so try not to place too much emphasis on them
Schools aren’t great environments in which to learn generally speaking there are definitely better ones

It builds to something better. It builds A-levels, which builds to uni which builds to whatever you want to do after.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/gcse-attainment-and-lifetime-earnings

Focus on something employable. Maths always. A science. Maybe economics or geography.

What high paying careers do GCSEs lead to?

Work with the school but SEN burn out is real and doesn’t mean that going forward in college and work that the same issues will arise. Sometimes it’s just a case of a equate leg not fitting in a round hole.

Although, the GCSE years are quite difficult it is better to not miss too much of the course content, maybe they can have some learning from home.

What has high paying careers got to do with it?

I suspect passing a BTEC rather than failing a GCSE or even collapsing entirely from the complete overload would lead to better outcomes for a significant minority. Plus doing a BTEC at GCSE age sets up students to better understand how BTECs work should they then choose to go on to do a Level 3 BTEC.

I'm not saying everyone must do BTECs, just that a number should have been kept as an option for those for whom it suited better, more hands on learners, those who don't suit the current marathon of terminal exams etc.

And doing 1 or 2 BTECs as options at GCSE level isn't going to stop someone doing A levels and going on to top unis if they are so minded.

What high paying careers would these btecs lead to?

You absolutely could have a system that suits more however.

Gove went too far . Because of how schools are measured / funded fewer schools are offering BTEC options for the less academic. Offering these options never prevented the more academic doing a full set of GCSEs.

When DD1 did GCSEs there was an option of BTEC science, and Food Tech was a BTEC and there were a couple more offered.
When DD2 was due to do GCSE 6 years later the BTECs had all gone, turned into GCSEs, with even more exams and even more content.

I honestly agree with you. My DC are all grammar educated and then have been to, are at or will go to RG unis. They struggled with a few things but preserved to get through them.

I think the point, however, is a wider one about whether the system is really doing any of them any favours. Yes, some are good at moving through it, but is it really doing them any favours. My dc are also high achievers in the system, but I don't for a minute think it operates in a way that is as valuable for them as it could be. So I do think the high achievers are being considered or "getting a mention."

How? That’s the point I was making. That for many people the system works. They don’t ever get a mention. They just turn up, go to school and thrive but somehow they aren’t important to be considered by anyone. People want reform to disadvantage them. I’m not saying reform isn’t worth it but to suggest that every child hates school and isn’t thriving isn’t true.

Tone Deaf award.🏆

That is fine and therefore you think the system works. I have taught thousands of students across my career and I don’t think the system is fit for modern society. We can agree to disagree.

Don't lie to the school. They can't support if you don't tell the truth.

not the experience of my children at all. Have enjoyed school the whole way school. Never struggled. Thrived with the competitive nature of exams. So have much of their friends. I only agree do primary in as far as it wasn’t challenging enough so could have moved onto harder things in year 6

I’m shocked and saddened at some of these replies. Where has the compassion and care gone? Not all children thrive in the current model of education and that doesn’t mean they will go on to be lazy, incompetent adults at all. Teaching our children to recognise their needs as well as their responsibilities is not a bad thing in my opinion. A gentle approach with my son worked, he usually goes to school but not always, is predicated all 7-9 in his exams and I think he is a kind and caring individual, both towards himself and others in society. There’s no one size fits all but OP you are definitely not a terrible mum for struggling with this!

Actually I would argue that lots of the academically able students are surviving rather than thriving. When did you attend school? The world has changed drastically in the last 10-12 years.