Coparent keeps signing kids up to activities on my parenting time, then demanding money

I don’t think that would be the case of it’s done appropriately. The OP says it’s been going on for many years which makes me think the kids are at least 10+ and that she was in a controlling relationship. I think it would demonstrate that abusive behaviour should not be hushed up and people shouldn’t suffer in silence. This man is still controlling the OP’s time and money. He is being abusive.

not to sound flippant, but if you demonstrate self respect and self confidence then that is the best way to ensure that your kids grow up to respect you. unlike your ex who is behaving despicably and acting like you are his subordinate.

i put yabu because i can’t believe youve been going along with this and feeling like you even need to defend your stance. just ignore him! presumably since he was the one who signed up for those activities then he will be the one who will be chased down for payments, not you.

Some of this depends on what pattern of custody you have. If everything completely alternates, then some children might never get to do activities. But if he has them e.g. every Wednesday and Thursday, it would be reasonable to expect him to only sign up for activities on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

Is your expectation that they don't do any activities at the weekends due to you alternating, or just that he has signed them up for more than you can commit to and without your agreement?

Yes OP is allowed to say that, but that just perpetuates the triangulation....

It’s the children’s time with the parent, not the other way round. They’re not dogs. If the activity is something very important to them, then it’d be churlish of OP to refuse it just because her ex signed them up. She could find they prefer to live with her ex as teens if that’s the scenario.

If ex blames her, OP is allowed to say no, that is wrong, this is what happened.

Irrelevant. It’s OP time, he doesn’t get to decide to sign the kids up without consulting her.

This is not a good idea. They will feed this back to the other parent, who will give them their version of events and you can be sure it won't correlate. This will end up with your DC being stuck in the middle of horrible triangulation which is really damaging.

That's not what your DC need to hear.

More context needed.

If he’s signing them up for flower arranging, Mongolian throat singing and Japanese embroidery on a whim then YANBU.

If they’re county level at a sport they want to play professionally, and he’s already taking them three nights a week, then YABU.

Is there anything I can try to make him respect my time and role more?

In short, no.

You can't control what he does, but you can control what you do. I have had years of attempted nonsense from exH which has been brought to a minimum with firm business like boundaries, but he still a couple of times a year will try to behave like a regional manager dealing with their PA.

There is only one way, that doesn't work for me, that's not going to be possible.

Practice makes perfect. He will kick off but remain calm and firm and polite and over time with repetition he will learn that it's not going to work. Currently he's got you on the end of a string and it's been working for years, you get to choose if you stay there.

Explain to the children that you can't afford it, and that's ok, that's life. Don't let him manipulate you using them and your guilt.

What a toaster. Tell him to get lost.

How old are your children? Can you just be honest with them and say that their father is doing this to put pressure on and control you?

I’m sure people with reasonable ex’s who coparen amicably come to all sorts of arrangements. But with your ex I suggest you make a hard divide- hobbies done in his parenting time are chosen, paid for and facilitated by him, hobbies done in your parenting time are chosen, paid for and facilitated by you. No exceptions.

On your time with Dad I’m busy doing other things so I’m not available to anything else.

I really hope he wouldn’t say to the kids that you deliberately chose not to see them because that’s manipulative and vile.

BUT, if he does just say to the kids “that’s not true. Mummy’s weekends are for mummy to spend time with you and Daddy’s weekends are for Daddy to spend time with you and that’s the way it has to be”

That is ridiculous. Do they do any activities on his days?

NO is a complete sentence.

Tell him that if he wants to sign them up he should do it during his time with the kids and pay for it. If he books them for another activity during your time tell you will now be taking them or paying and mean it.

I get what you mean about the kids but standing your ground dance to his controlling tune.

Sorry OP, he’s an absolute dick. But this is a problem that’s not a problem- just say no. I’d shrug and say “how odd of you to book things on days they’re not with you… anyway…”

This is such a non issue. He wants it to be an issue for you. Ignore him.

You tell your kids the truth, Dad keeps signing you up but I can’t afford to pay, so sorry it cannot happen unless Dad is prepared to pay for it all. Then tell your ex that’s what you have said and it’s up to him to decide if he wants to pay it all or not as you simply can’t afford it

as to when they do stuff on his time, that’s what you tell him. Sorry ex it’s your time and I have made other plans so it’s up to you to sort, on repeat

Just explain to the kids that their father signed them up, he didn't ask you first, and you can't afford it or don't want to do it. Tell them that x is what you will be doing instead.

Did it really need this much analysis? The OP was perfectly clear.

You just say on Daddy’s weekends he has to look after you and do everything for you, it’s not fair for me to use up Daddy's time with you in the same way that I do everything with you when it’s our time togwther and I want to spend that time as just us. That’s how it is.
Don’t explain further, you’re not obliged to.

If they are old enough to understand you can't afford their hobby groups then they will understand the rising costs of petrol due to the war. Even the government is talking about the possibility of something for carers who have to travel miles in their job despite being low paid.

What was the custody arrangement regarding your time and clubs?

This would really piss me off too. I understand why people are mentioning kicking up a fuss or even court - but I wonder if it's worth just trying to show him what it feels like 1) to be told no and 2) to have it done to him?

What happens if you keep replying 'oh, we have plans then'? It could just be a walk with a friend; it doesn't have to be an expensive alternative, but if the children get another activity and you get to guard your time?

If you wanted to really make your point, I'd be awfully tempted to text him next time there's a volunteer litter pick or a sponsored walk or whatever on his day, and tell him you've booked the kids in. There must be things that are free or cheap, that you automatically rule out for the children because they fall on his days.

God he’s an arse ! Controlling what you do on your child free days ! How old are the dc ?