Coparent keeps signing kids up to activities on my parenting time, then demanding money

If it's something the kids want to do, then it might be reasonable to agree to take them on your time when you don't have other plans.

Do not take them during his contact time. It's up to him to work out the logistics when it's his time.

Do not agree to pay for clubs he has signed them up to. Tell him that he needs to pay for any activities he chooses for them. If it's a case of the club asking for subscriptions to be paid, simply tell them that their father is the person who pays for the club and ask them to contact him. That's what I do in these situations with my Brownies

But what I need is an explanation for the kids about why I won't be ferrying them on their weekends with dad. I'm really worried that he'll say oh your mum had the chance to see you play today, but she said no, so now you can't go. Not sure what to do about that.

"Did Daddy say that? Unfortunately Mummy had already made plans for today/had an appointment today/had work to do today. It's Daddy's time with you. Why didn't Daddy take you? I'm not sure why you couldn't go, sweethearts. You'll need to ask Daddy why you couldn't go to something when he had you. Mummy and Daddy have separate time with you"

I think you can be honest without being really ‘rude’ about him if you know what I mean?

Explain that when Dad has them he decides where they go and when you have them, you are in charge. If anything that happens every week is to be done, it needs to be agreed between you ‘because that is what being a grown-up means’.

Also you are allowed to say no to your kids; it helps them understand nothing’s a given, that life can be complicated and so on.

And as they get older you can also explain clearly and without malice, that one of the reasons you are not together is because Dad was sometimes controlling and this is another example of that @hotrocks84

Absolutely not about slagging off the other parent etc but also is about setting boundaries for the kids, for him and because you are the boss of your own household, not him and not the kids. You don’t want them thinking what he does is normal or following his crap role model!

Did he come to watch them on “your” weekends?

@hotrocks84 I voted YABU because you said its 50/50, but didn't say how that is split. You then mention 'his weekend' so it implies one week each.

In that case then surely any activity would be one week on his time and the next on your time?

So by refusing, then the kids couldn't do any activities which would be really unfair.

On your time he doesn't get to dictate activities or that you pay. Our custody arrangements mean every 3rd week an activity I booked falls on ex time - I pay and make him aware of the activity time but if he doesn't want to take dc or they have plans its not an issue I would never demand he take dc to it

Tell them the court said that he looks after them on those weekends so you have made plans (and if you can - make some plans! Just for a few weekends to break the habit - breezily inform him that you are going away and he will have to make alternative transportation arrangements)

I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask you to pay, but if, for example, they both have a football match at the same time on his week, I’d make the effort to take one of them. He should do the same on your week. That’s what you’d do if you were still together.

My children’s father wouldn’t take them to their activities on his time, and the result is that they stopped staying with him as soon as they had a choice.

How old are your kids?
I doubt they’ll be totally unaware of the situation. An age appropriate explanation may help them manage concerns they already have.

Fuel cost is a valid reason for a start. and its dads time therefore it up ti dad to organise. So you have already put plans in place for those days.

Let him know that ...Anything he's books and pays for without prior consent does not need to be refunded. And from hereon in you will not be.
He cannot dictate repayments for something yoy haven't consented to or budgeted for. If he wants to book something then thats on him to organise lifts, only help on his weeks IF he is prepared to do the same for you .

Stick to the court order, or a reasonable split, and then JADE.

Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.

'I've signed the kids up for a 10k, they'll be doing 1 hour training 3 hours away every week for 6 weeks, and we owe 300 each for the trainer'

We already have plans that weekend. I will not be contributing to this or driving them to this training [as specified in our court ordered contact agreement]

And say nothing more. It's not your problem.

If the children ask and if they genuinely want to do it, and you can do it, then perhaps you can drive them on your weekend, but you are not obligated to pay for it if you can't afford it (and you can explain that to the children).

JADE. Grey Rock. These two things are the only way to deal with controlling narcissists, and people who haven't encountered these people don't understand that there's no point trying to reason with them, it doesn't work.

This is purely to control you

Start saying no. Don't pay. Don't take them. Say absolutely not. Let him have his tantrum. Stay firm that your time with the children is not his to control. Say it to him. Do not try to control me.

You need to stop negotiating, stop meeting him the middle. Just stop.

This continues to be a problem because you keep pandering to it. Just stop.

Because he keeps doing this and clearly it is a form of control, you need to be firm IMO. Just say no. ‘That is my time so you must wait until they are with you’. On repeat.

If he weaponises the children and gets them to complain, say Daddy can do what he wishes on his time and he and they can do it then. If possible, see if you (you+children) can find an alternative activity to do instead at the same time that they would enjoy so they don’t feel like they are missing out. If they really want to do whatever it is and you can afford it, arrange it yourself - only during times they are with you. If you can’t afford it say no because you can’t afford it.

Even if he is willing to pay for it, due to past poor behaviour I would not be willing to ferry them anywhere on your time to something organised by him on principle, even if that feels harsh for the children. If his main motivation is to control you and try to score points with the children, it’s not actually in the children’s benefit anyway in the long run to do it.

Probably not a good idea, but I can't help but think that if you fake happily gushed with thanks at him booking them in for x hobby, told him how kind it was because you never could have afforded it and how much you're looking forward to seeing them do the hobby. Would he step back or take over to spite you!

Just say no.

He's blackmailing you "because it's for the kids"

But it isn't really, he just wants the control/ power.

I would bet there's suitable activities he could sign them up for that are only in his custody time. But that won't fit his agenda.

He doesn't get to say what you do in your time with the kids. Just as you don't dictate to him what he does.

If he wants to sign them up for something fine, but he pays.

Lol he's demanding money? Send the laughing emoji and block him

Again, OP has to be consulted. She may have other commitments, she needs to know in advance.

This is also a form of control over OP.

Put all that ⬆️ in writing (keep copies) as well as ‘telling’.

A friend had this and when it went to court, the judge said that whilst it was in the children's interests to support them in their hobbies and sports, it was not within the power of one parent to dictate that the other had to take them and pay for the activities. In the end it was agreed that dad paid (rubgy), that the activity was done 3 weekends a month and that HE had to come and collect and take children if it was mother’s custodial weekend - and that weekend activity was booked by prior agreement. The novelty eventually wore off and it ended up being on his weekends only, holiday rugby camps on his weeks and after school training that he took them to and returned them home afterwards.

I’d state that you may need to go to court and ask a judge to rule on what s/he feels is fair and reasonable wrt the children’s interests and mother’s finances. At the very least, the court may decide he has to pay.

Op don’t get caught uo in a power battle. He won’t be able to control you forever, your decisions need to be made strictly on what you think is in your kids best interests. If that means he gets away with being controlling towards you sometimes then my advice is just swallow it, stay focused on the kids. I say this after being caught in a horrendous situation with an ex who was impossible to coparent with and very controlling, in hindsight I could have picked my battles more but I wanted him to know that he couldn’t control me. Things just escalated, I regret pushing back as much as I did in hindsight. And definitely don’t start pulling your kids into it, that is stupid advice and will backfire horribly.

Have you got any idea how brutal family court proceedings can get? How destructive to a coparenting relationship, even a very imperfect one like this? I find your comment staggeringly stupid. This does not meet the threshold for court proceedings, not even close.

This!

If you alternate weeks, it’s not fair to refuse all clubs they might want to do, if you could get them there.

Just tell them he doesn't get to tell you what do and vice versa.

Don't overthink it. He's in the wrong.

Never badmouth him, it's not fair on the kids, but you can say 'Dad's not allowed to arrange things on the weekends you're with me'.