MIL comment’s to DD

Invite her over for dinner occasionally and spend some time with them.

Ask MIL to have your children for a few hours to help you. Some MILs like to be asked

If this is upsetting your DD then I would speak to MiL privately. Take her aside and say something along the lines of - "I understand your time is your to do as you please with, so I'm not suggesting you should put as much effort into seeing DD as you do [BiL's DC], but it is rude, hurtful and unkind of you to bring it to DD's attention every time we come over. Please stop or I will stop bringing her."

But otherwise, I would roll my eyes and let it wash over me. You can't change her and what she says only has the power you give it. So don't give it any power. Just let it inform how you think of her.

I'd be more concerned about DH's response to you talking about it, though. Is there perhaps something else going on? Is BiL the golden child and DH just trying not to acknowledge how unfair his parents have been? Or could there be something going on with BiL that you aren't aware of?

I hadn't seen @Contrarymary30 's post when I made mine, but yes, she put it better and it's exactly that for me.

Do you invite her?

I rarely ask my DDs if I can come round or them come round for a coffee or lunch, because I know they're busy and I don't want to sound needy, or make them feel they've got to let me come round when they'd rather be doing something else.

I bet that your BIL actually calls them and invites them round.

I'm a MIL and always wait for an invitation from my son to go to see them . I always think that they are so busy with full time demanding jobs and my gc that it's a pain to have me just dropping in . I always babysit when they ask and pick gc up from school when needed . Perhaps your Mil feels like she has to be asked and cannot just drop in . Maybe you should just ask her over .

could you not say to your DH your mum was clearly pleased to see DD and as she mentioned to you she hadn't seen DD in a while, could you arrange for DD to see her soon/more often,take her there or invite her here?

My mil is wonderful she still does not offer to have the children. I expect bil has asked for help.

Ignore her and let H deal (or not deal) with his mother.

My dad’s family would never have seen me if my mum hadn’t phoned them up and taken me round to see them.
My granny never ever once came to my mum & dad’s house where I lived from age 4-19.
Not once.
I have no idea why. Always pleased to see me when I was taken there but never once phoned/asked to see me.
@Mrsupanddown let your husband deal with her since he’s ’on her side’. You deal with your side.

I completely understand OP. Other half’s parents have seen DC maybe twice in the last year (they live 45 min away) 1 of these times being to exchange Christmas gifts. They’ve seen his sisters kids probably every week (also live 45min away). I’ve given up trying. It’s not your job to create a relationship between them and their GC, if they wanted to they would.

What has happened on MN that everyone is out to maul you by deliberately misunderstanding?!! You've been completely clear that it's a veiled attempt to make them the victims, they don't see these grandchildren, poor them. I had the same myself and it really grating especially when DH doesn't support you. Be 'gushing'! Bombard them with messages to say how lovely it is that they want more contact with their grandchildren! Ask for dates and times, tell your DH to take them round, tell your DC that in laws want to see them 👍👍

Have you ever asked her??

She’s not psychic and presumably BIL actually makes the effort to communicate with her rather than expecting her to magically know what he wants

Sometimes things get lost in translation. Maybe BIL asks for help and you don’t . Maybe make the first move and see if that changes things.

My mil she’s dramatic tears when she leaves but then doesn’t call, speak to dc (older teens) or make any effort to visit more than once a year. We do live 4 hours away but they are retired and could pop down for a weekend. We used to go to them, pay for hotels and all the young dc stuff with 3 dc and I got to the point that I was done making all the effort. Dh agreed and is sad because my parents are over an hour away, df has cancer, yet they will drop everything to come and watch dc in dance shows or take us out for a meal etc.

I know mil loves dc but I just remind myself that so I don’t get bitter and cross. Frankly, my girls are awesome and she’s missing out!

Do you know the MIL personally then? You seem to be projecting a fuck ton onto this situation

I understand OP. It’s a dig. Passive aggressive comment. Loaded. I also understand that others won’t see it because on the surface it’s a pleasant enough comment. Problem is sometimes these comments from her will actually be nice comments and not digs but because there’s history we can read into them - sometimes incorrectly. The only way we can manage this is to believe they aren’t loaded comments and they were actually said nicely. It’s not bothering MIL, you won’t change her, so maybe think how you can change your reaction to it so it bugs you less. I’m still trying!!!

Another ‘my MIL doesn’t look after my children’ one? She said it was nice to see your DD. How has that offended you?

Whatever you are trying to say, it hasn't really come across.

She's not the devil incarnate surely for saying "it's nice to see you" unless it was said in a particularly sarcastic tone. Was it or wasn't it?

What was your DD's opinion, if any? Was she bothered or not? If not then there's probably no issue.

@Mrsupanddown I get what you are saying.
Im reminded of neighbours of mine who go away a lot. When they are at home they often say “Where have you been we haven’t seen you for ages” as if it’s me that’s rarely ever visible.
And the weird difference between happily making an effort for other grandchildren but not the same for yours, I understand.

I know exactly what you mean. Its a way of comunicating some people do. Very annoying and one sided. My brother does this 'I haven't seen you for ages', when he makes zero effort. Its up to your husband to maintain the MIL relationship, not you!

I actually don't see them as often as I should and they live very close.

They whinge a lot so I dont stay too long 😁

Did you forget to add the unpleasant thing that she said? Or do you mean that she said it sarcastically? Because on the face of it “it’s so nice to see you” is a nice thing to say.

Well do you invite her op?

your posts are all very cryptic, remember we know nothing of this situation, so if this is how you communicate in real life, I can see how it might be a problem.