Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

I don't think that's necessarily the first step. We're all different.

Well it sounds like neither of you were really that happy and the relationship had run its course.

Instead of focusing on what your ex does with his time think about what you could do to make your life more how you would like it to be.

In order to lead a meaningful and rewarding life you have to first find things that give your life meaning…

If you don’t know what these might be, therapy might be a good start.

But also just do things - invest in friendships, go to meet-ups, start exercising, read books, go to a gig/concert, redecorate the house, cook new dishes……

But you don't want him really, you're not upset that he's doing well, you're upset that you're not and that you've stagnated.
If you'd lost 4 stone, took up hiking and got a boyfriend, you wouldn't care about your ex husband.
To sum up, this isn't about him, it's about you.

I’d really recommend getting some counselling to work through your feelings even at this stage. It’s normal to feel strange when someone you were with moves on - even if you ended it. But always remember that you’re comparing his outsides with your insides. It won’t have been easy for him and maybe you expected it to be easier for you as you were the initiator of the split.

But tbh I’d actually call him or text him to apologise and perhaps even be open about how you feel a bit. And say you want him to be happy but it feels scary/strange/difficult for you to know your daughter is going to be potentially building a relationship with someone you don’t know. And acknowledge that the opposite will happen with any partners you meet that you may introduce to her. You can discuss how you’d both like that to go… if he is willing to have an emotional conversation- my ex was never willing to do that when we split up so it was never an option for future aspects of parenting. It reinforced why I wanted to split with him - he was unable to have any kind of real emotional conversation or connection..

That all sounds tough.
But it's your turn to start thriving now.
Treat yourself on your next free day. Take a break from your normal routines and think of three things you want to do going forward. If one of them is social and active (like joining a tennis/pickleball/golf club or choir) so much the better.
Good luck.

Why not look at what you do have?

Sounds like you have a reasonable, equal, thoughtful co-parent dad for your daughter.

You have 50% of the time to put time into work, move jobs or promotion, get fit, good time of year to go out for evening walks and indulge in self care, get the boring life bits out of the way so the time you have with your daughter can be less fraught.

Where you are and what you are doing is not his fault. Sounds like he was presented with a divorce he didn’t initialise, had to co-parent and has done so with grace and just got on with life.

Perhaps you did make the right decision and you weren’t right for each other but it sounds like you expected it to be you thriving and him what, heartbroken, festering in a messy flat? Is that what you wanted?

You need to let thus go @Starbanger before it consumes you with bitterness. Do you say “hey ex you look great been hiking anywhere good recently?” Be pleased for him basically. He hasn’t done anything wrong quite the opposite in fact. And if this new relationship takes off that will be something else you have to deal with. You need to prepare yourself for that. And she might be lovely, considerate and respectful to you as the mum of his child.

Do you want him back?

Oh you negative Nelly.

Is this how you process positive change, a good lifestyle, making the most of a downward turn in life? Sourly?

"What do you need? What would feel like a life that was more you or more fulfilling? The changes might be slow but you can make stuff happen."

Yes that's precisely what he did...but you're saying it's likely a sham.
Are only women to be encouraged in this way?
How tone deaf.

Well done! What a lovely, positive story.

@Starbanger - you have some fab advice on here. Ignore the people asking if you’d be happier if he was miserable, as that’s definitely not the vibe I got from your post.

You just sound a little lost. Time to work on you 💐

Gently he doesn’t need your permission to introduce a partner to his daughter.

I think you’re jealous he’s doing so well and instead of doing something about it, you also have half the week free, you’re just staying as is.

I would guess seeing how much happier he is out of the marriage is very grating, and now he’s moved on completely with a new partner, it’s put the final nail in it.

you need to focus on making you happy, not him.

@Starbangeri am a little bit like your DH in this situation...he left, I didn't want him too. With hindsight it was for the best. I've moved on and friends say I look/ seem happier, but to be honest what other choice did I have?
And a lot of it is a front...I'm still reeling inside. Plus I'm exhausted as he takes very little to do with the kids.
All I'm meaning is that I'm sure your ex is doing ok, but it won't be as robust as it seems I'm sure.

Your just jealous - and that’s ok
he’s become the man you wanted or maybe fell in love with

it’s hurts that he couldn’t be bothered to change for you

be glad he’s a good dad to his daughter
don’t turn into the crazy ex and laying down the law on when his girlfriend can meet his daughter

You've got a nasty attack of 'dog in the manger' right now. But you have all the rest of your life to become what you are admiring in your ex. Parenting is hard and can be drudgery and lead to feeling 'stuck', but on those days when you don't have your DD, try to do some things just for you. It's tempting to spend the time doing housework and slobbing around and calling it 'resting', but if you just start to push yourself a tiny little bit - take up a new hobby, join a group, do something that you can only enjoy by yourself - it will become easier.

Focus on you now. The decision was made and he has moved on. Have a think about aspirations and hopes for your life and slowly take first steps.

maybe write some options down, that always helps me.

Great post! I like this outlook!

Agree. Most people don't need to scratch over old wounds looking for explanations and understanding and can instead put one foot in front of another and try new things.
All that money that would be spent on therapy can instead be put into city breaks, hobbies, going to the gym, meals with friends etc.
Before you know it you're a happier person with a bigger life who has figured out what you like and need and the money has been spent on doing it rather than talking about it.

Op, you have shown a lot of self reflection in noticing that the problem was not your husband and it sounds like with the changes he made and the new distance between you he now looks to you like good partner material again. You worked this out on your own and did not need to pay for therapy too get there. You sound wistful, but not resentful as some have suggested.

You've worked out you need to work on yourself to get yourself to a place in life that feels less......humdrum.
It is great that he is a good man and a good father. This gives you time away from your child that is worry free when you can work out what you can do to enjoy life more.

Maybe he wasn’t the issue after all if your still stuck doing the same things and made no effort to change or do positive things.

yes, I spotted that and acknowledged it in my very next post (after the one you’ve quoted)

Is this a reverse?

This is really unkind. Maybe he took the person he loved enough to have a child with, ending things pretty hard, but maybe he has a more proactive positive outlook on life and decided to utilise that as a push to make changes to make himself happier in a way OP hasn't. How can it still be his fault his life is good and OP isn't happy when she left him 3 years ago?

OP you need to take charge of your own life and your own happiness and until you do your life will continue the way it has.

It says 50/50 in the OP, and that he does his fair share of parenting.

he’s a great dad - we have 50/50 time with DD, and he does his fair share of parenting.

I’m sorry you’re not doing so well but honestly it does sound like you did the right thing for you both. So he couldn’t start taking better care of himself or get a social life for you but I’d hazard a guess that he’s doing it now to improve his chances of finding another partner. And in all likelihood once they settle down he’ll stop taking care of himself and he’ll stop going to gigs and he’ll be the same unmotivated person again. I of course hope this isn’t true but I have seen this pattern play out loads.

Try to focus less on him and more on you. What do you need? What would feel like a life that was more you or more fulfilling? The changes might be slow but you can make stuff happen.

Drag things out for a few more years more like it

Or OP could just use the time she has available to sort her life out and make the changes, the fact she hasn't done so means she doesn't have the motivation to do so .

Because sometimes we need a professional and outside opinion to help us see what’s actually going on for a person and to help them see why they act and feel a certain way.

Its better than going through life with your head in the sand ignoring your feelings and not dealing with past trauma or experiences.