Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

I'd suggest therapy to understand your issues.

None it appears, that’s why the thread exists.

Agree.

It's probably normal for someone who hasn't quite made the most of their life to be envious of a former partner who has but the tone of the post sounds more from the perspective of the former partner. Especially the texting part.

I was married to someone like you, and he’s still miserable now 4 years later. He got exactly what he wanted but it’s never enough, nothing is, and nothings ever quite his fault, always poor him doing his best, can’t help how he feels.

Very telling that you see the ‘issue’ being that he’s doing well, after you turned his entire life upside down and dumped him. You should be happy for him.

The only person in your life responsible for your happiness is you, and the only one that can change things is you, nobody is going to come along and fix things for you. Make changes, put some effort in, and really reflect on why you have negative feelings towards someone else doing well. Take this as an opportunity to really work on yourself, counselling is really helpful. Don’t leave it as a ‘woe is me I know I’m unreasonable’ thing, you can do better OP. Is the job giving you fulfilment? If not maybe start there.

I mean, good for him!

What changes have you made to your life since the split?

Writing this demonstrates you have started to love forward. Recognising you are your problem is the first and biggest leap forward. You have articulated it and can now leap forward

This happens all lot OP, people thinking the grass is greener, so you're not alone.

Also why some remarry the same person after divorcing them.

There's a lot of LBT on mumsnet, even on issues that are easy to resolve and some take it as Gospel.

Great that you've realised he wasn't the issue, now it's time to focus on you and build your confidence back up.

Be happy for him, he's the person you fell in love with, so shouldn't surprise you that he's great.

Build on a friendship if nothing else and your DD will benefit from it too.

Good luck going foward. Don't sit at home and fester.

I think it’s unfair to say he couldn’t be bothered when we don’t know. Women are applauded for glowing up after they’ve been dumped by their husband, not berated for it.

This!

In a nutshell (and as many have already said), he has used the time for a bit of self reflection and self improvement.

He probably realised that he wasn't happy either and addressed those things.

It's time for you to do the same.

There's nothing preventing you from looking for a new job, changing your diet/health or improving your social life other than you.

You can do it too!

It might seem a strange thing to do but why not look at your ex’s new life as inspiration to improve your own? Do you need to refresh your home, do you need to lose weight or get fit, do you need to get a more social life or change your job, etc? Your ex is happy because he was pro-active in achieving a new happiness. It really has to start with you.

Counselling, therapy, the OP doesn't need any of these, she just needs to stop bloody maudling around and get a bloody grip, not sitting in an arm chair for the next 3 years discussing her feelings!

she is jealous, he has got his shit together and she hasn't!

I think you should use his process through this as a model for what you can do next.

Use the feelings to show you what you need to change and what is missing.

I think you were probably right that your marriage played a part in things at that time and I don’t think it is as simple as saying “you” were the problem - he clearly was not thriving either - but it is absolutely true that it is up to every individual to create their own life from the deck of cards they are dealt and do as much as they can that brings them positive emotions.

I think what's happening here is that you're shocked your XH has now become the man you would have liked to be married too. Maybe the split gave him a good jolt and made him realise he wasn't putting enough effort into his life. It's a shame that this is where you got to - it sounds as though marriage counselling would have been a good first step for you before you broke up. It's really easy to blame others when we're unhappy and you might have identified that your general unhappiness - not linked to him - was the biggest issue for you.

What's stopping you from changing your life? Do you think you need to unpack what your issues are? Do you have an idea of the person you feel you should be? Get an image of that and work out how you can achieve it. I know it sounds simple but it's all about baby steps int he right direction. I'd really recommend getting some counselling so you can work through your own issues and find out what's holding you back. Or maybe you have a friend you really respect that can help you work things out? We all do it to ourselves at times - we get too comfortable and are then fed-up. It's not too late to turn things around but stop focusing on your XH - he isn't the problem (although I see your annoyance!).

Isn't that exactly what has happened here? She left because she didn't feel it anymore even though he hadn't done anything. It seems to have been the making of her exh. It's not depressing at all actually. Everyone deserves to be with someone who doesn't think of them as meh and it's better to leave and give the other person a chance to find actual happiness in that case.

You leaving him was what spurred him on to change his life. Maybe him leaving you (by moving on) can now in return motivate you.

Yabu.
This guy didn't do anything really wrong here other than you were bored of the situation and things had become humdrum as they often do with young children.
Good on him for improving his life.

If he were abusive I'd understand your frustration.

Agree totally with Arlanymor- you splitting up with him kickstarted him making big changes in his life to move on, have a fresh start and a new lease of life. I'm not sure if you ever mentioned his weight as an issue or it was him feeling bad about it, but he seemed to have taken a long look at himself and the negatives/things he wanted to change and made it happen. It's quite admirable really and I think you should use him as inspiration and do similar. I can fully understand why you'd feel these feelings- bewilderment/regret/envy even about this. What are the key elements about you/your life you are unhappy with and would like to work on?

There is always a 'reason' but those reasons vary considerably from fleeing abuse to just falling out of love with the person they married. One of the more depressing threads I read on here was of people discussing leaving their husbands because they just did not feel it anymore. By their own admission the men in question were supportive pro active loving fathers who had not done anything wrong yet were about to get binned because 'meh'.

I think you should give yourself a break and think of how strong and positive you actually are.

You left a situation a lot of us would just accept if we were in the same boat. There's plenty of 'just platonic' relationships out there with resentment simmering under the surface. You made a positive decision to not be in one of those relationships.

Quite frankly, the change in your ex proves you right, and that you were holding each other back from happiness, so don't go thinking you've made a mistake.

All you have to do is use your time differently when your ex has your daughter. Work on yourself, whether that be fitness, hobbies, learning or socialising.

Good luck!

It does sound as though you thought the reason you were unhappy was the marriage. The reality is different.
Instead of focusing on how well your ex is doing, put your energy into finding your own happiness.

Is this a reverse?
It sounds too fantastical
No one leaves a marriage for no reason.
I've left 2 and have loved my life after, even if it didn't improve.
You Know why?
Cuz u got rid of something that didn't serve you!
Now you gotta build your life but that has nothing to do with your ex.
I couldn't care less what my exes are doing at all, and I share a child with one.

I'm pro-therapy when it comes to really complex or deep-seated issues that it would take a professional to help untangle.

This isn't one of those. OP is just stagnant and she doesn't need to unravel anything.

OP, everything your ex has done - you can do to. You just need to start. Look up job listings today if you want to change your job. Join a gym or buy some running shoes or look up sports clubs if you want to get fit. Book a holiday if you want to see more of the world.

That time after having a baby tests all relationships. It takes a while to get back on track, DH and I bickered more then than at any other point in our relationship. I was tired, breastfeeding, I didn’t want to be touched. I was irritable and so was he. He annoyed me, or more accurately I was easy to annoy. The goalposts in our relationship were shifting and that can cause friction. I needed different things from him as a husband and father, than I’d needed when we were a childless couple.
So think about what is going on. Did you feel like this before he got his life together, or is it only now that he has someone else ? It’s normal to feel sad and jealous for a while. Or do you now have the feeling that if you’d stuck it out for longer that you would be happily together now ? Of course it may not be the case but your OP makes it sound as though ending it was quite a hasty decision, and one based on something that pretty much everyone experiences to a greater or lesser degree.
I wonder if having some counselling might help you unpick what you want ? Because if you actually regret your decision and want to be with him then you need to address that and talk to him. If you simply feel a bit jealous that he is doing so well, then you need to put that in context and do some things in your own life that will make you feel more grounded and happy. I agree it all sounds as though you perhaps had unrealistic expectations of marriage and motherhood and this has left you dissatisfied and a bit lost. You can change this though, and it’s worth getting some help to work that out.

You blamed him in the marriage and blame him now.
Maybe when he was on his own he knew he needed to make a change, and thats what he did.
Its been 3 years you have to move on just like he did.
Did you expect him to live misery, and go down hill.
What he does now has nothing to do with you.

You have to sort your own life out just like he did.