Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

Of course they can but this isn't about making decisions, it's about what's wrong in OPs mind that is making her so unhappy and blamed her DH for and now is jealous he's moved on.

It seems only slim people are worthy 🤷‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️

Just because you don't feel therapy would be beneficial for you doesn't mean the same can be said for everyone. Some people benefit greatly from talking to others. There's no reason to believe therapy would 'drag things out for years' either. Everyone is different.

It's very hard when you've been the one to call time on a relationship, you can carry a lot of guilt. The weight of the decision and the lead up to it can take a lot out of you. Especially when you're a woman ending it, and people seem to think unless there is physical harm it is selfish to end a marriage with a child in the mix. It is very stressful ending a marriage. So be kind to yourself. It takes a lot of work to be happy sometimes! Your ex doing so well must be incredibly annoying and you're only human to feel resentful (especially when he made no effort when you were together?), I would too. Though giving him a hard time for dating is not fair. If you genuinely want him back though, tell him, what have you got to lose.

I think sometimes when those types of marriages end, both of them really want it to and have probably checked out already, but someone actually has to wave the red flag and call time, and it's not necessarily the person who's readiest to move on. It took me five years to decide that I needed to leave my marriage and then another three years adjusting to the 'new normal' and the person I am outside marriage. Still don't feel like I am really there yet! But I think my ex is happier - he loves having his own house and space. That makes it easier for me actually as at least I don't have to worry about him.

I think your reaction and emotions are understandable and quite natural. A positive sign is that you're honest about how you feel. You just don't know how to respond to it and consequently, you feel lost and empty.

Try to divert your time from thinking about him (whether you intend to or not) to something else. Once you find something to immerse yourself in and reduce the time spent thinking about him, then slowly you will find yourself.

Similar to me.
When younger a boyfriend of a few years decided that he was bored (translatiin: wanted to sh*g someone else) and I was 'holding him back.'

He admitted that I'd done nothing wrong.
I was devastated but after a while retrained in a professional job, lost a bit of weight and got a great new man.

I met him by chance in the street. Not only did had he not moved forward but he'd actually regressed: dropped out of university (he was a mature student) , put weight on, no job, on benefits and back with his parents.
No super hot young girlfriend, either. In a vague fwb arrangement with a woman he'd sneered about when we were together.

Good enough for him.
People often get rid of what it's easy for them to get rid of than taking a look inside and saying is it me?

Funny how those who are always vaguely 'unhappy' always remain so.

I fully understand this, OP. Also split with my husband three years ago. Was feeling depressed and our sex life was non-existent, and over the years he'd become just another thing for me to look after, with the kids and pets. I don't regret ending the marriage but like you, found it wasn't a magic bullet to happiness. But that's life isn't it? Outside books and films, there is no magic bullet - you have to keep putting the work in, tweaking things so that you can be content. I've not yet got round to dating - OLD is not for me, my ADHD brain immediately gets overwhelmed and I tried a few dates but they were all idiots so gave up - but when/if it happens, it happens. I've changed job and that's much better. Love living in my own house with the kids. Got into gardening!

Anyway I don't think you actually care about your ex moving on, it's just the fact that you feel stuck. That's what you need to focus on. Look into new hobbies, go to a festival, change your hair, get a tattoo - do something you've always wanted to do. You can be fully yourself without compromising for anyone else, so do that.

Use your child-free time to make the same or similar improvements in yourself - get fitter if you need to , batch cook, build your friends network, update your home etc etc.

This - the op doesn't need therapy - she just needs to read this and act on it.

I love stories like this!!
You go girl.
OP my best friend was in this situation a few years ago, it was she who wanted to end the marriage, he joined a running club, bought a house and put himself out there and has now remarried. She really struggled- she has now met someone else but took her a long time to get over the difference in him.

@Starbangerhow did you see your life changing when you decided to split? What were you hoping for?

I think the first poster nailed it saying your ex wasn’t a magic bullet. Try not to be resentful, it sounds like he didn’t tick the boxes you needed, but nor does your current situation. Time to try and unpack that. Like others, I would consider working with a therapist to look into it, but my first question will probably help you get started.

Op, it feels like you came to tne conclusion he was the problem, and he was going to struggle without you. For him, you were it.

youve now realised he’s much happier he’s no longer married to you and has even met someone new. And he’s realised it too.

and it bites, but you do need to behave. Texting him angrily was not ok and I hope you’ve apologised to him.

you have as much opportunity to improve your life and be happy as he does. Child care is 50 50. You have three and a half days a week you can do as you please. Get fit. Go out. Meet someone. Whatever. Stop comparing yourself to him, or use it as a spur to motivate you, but only you are responsible for your own happiness.

Haha, I am not distressed, I just don't get the fascination with sitting down for years talking about the same problem.

What OP needs is to get outside, do some of the things he ex has been doing, he is clearly thriving since he was dumped

@asdbaybeeee some people find the suggestion of therapy very triggering for them and obviously they are dealing with their own issues around that suggestion or they would have only needed to say it once and not try to dominate multiple posters by repeating it when others suggested therapy. Clearly many posters believe it might be helpful to you.

Sometimes a very short stint of therapy can help you to reframe and put together a plan for making changes in your own life and then sometimes you can begin to realise that the degree of unhappiness can have deeper roots that might need to be addressed as you are making changes.

I can sense your anger and distress. You may find outside help useful.

Apparently yes this is what the poster thinks. If your fat it’s your fault if your marriage ends,

A difficult situation??

God help us, if this is a difficult situation?

Wow, right, so tell me you’ve no comprehension of the emotional reasons why people gain weight without telling me.

How many of us are overweight in a relationship then lose it after the relationship ends - a lot! It doesn’t really tell you anything other than people can easily lose sight of who they are without even realising it. Are we now to tell women to lose weight to help keep their husbands?

If the sexes were reversed? Yes.

Wow. If the genders were reversed would you ask the same thing.

Why didn't he lose that weight when you were together, might've helped things. Maybe you were both making each other unhappy, for whatever reason. But you had the motivation to end it. I don't think YABU, it's just life and human nature. The best thing now is to concentrate on you and how to feel better from within, not needing external validation.

*I might add not by therapy.. (not a fan of therapy) I'm talking about gym, healthy eating, botox , facials, lovely golden tan, new hair cut / dye etc, holidays.. Superficial at first but will make you feel a million times better inside.

Have you considered therapy to explore why you get so angry when people you don't know, suggest to other people you don't know, that they may benefit from getting professional help with difficult situations?

I've not read all of the posts but I will say this OP, you have no right to demand to know even who your ex partner is going out with. You certainly do not have the right to send a shitty text about it. It is polite of course for him to tell you that he's seeing someone new when he's planning to introduce your child to her but that's all. It's just politeness, you have no right to interfere.

And I'm sorry to tell you that if you get pissed off about that, more may come. I am divorced from my ex husband and he did politely tell me when he was introducing his new partner to our son but he didn't tell me when he planned to get engaged nor that he was planning to have another child. In fact, I think it was our son who told me both. Now I get on well with my ex but quite rightly in my view, my ex had no arrangement with me to inform me and certainly not ask about having more kids. But I tell you what, you think meeting your child is a big deal? THAT was a mental adjustment, my son going from being an only child to having a sister and me having had no say in that! So there may be more to come...!

With a dose of tough love in my reply... You weren't happy in your relationship, so you got out. If you were back there now, you would still not be happy. It would not be a magic wand. What you're feeling right now is a bit of jealousy that your ex is moving on when you're not. And that's ok. Especially if you now see him making effort in ways he never did with you. Doesn't mean it was wrong to end it or you should rush back to him. Not at all. Just means that probably he's happier out of it too. So what?

So perhaps your ex didn't put effort into your marriage and now you aren't putting effort into your single life. Change that! Get some hobbies, activities, joy in your life. Stop stalking him on social media (look, I know you are, we all do) and get some fun in your life. If things are really bad, seek out some counselling. It's ok to feel sad for a relationship ending, it's a grief even if you caused it to end. But you also have SO much opportunity in life. You have a 50/50 custody arrangement, where your child spends time with someone you know loves them as much as you. Use the rest of that time to focus on you! Enjoy it!