Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

Why?

OP thought ending her marriage would improve her life. It didn't, but it improved her ex's life. She's stuck, for whatever reason, her life was meh, she took action, but her life is still meh.

Maybe she understands why she's stuck with meh. It sounds like things changed when she became a mom, so maybe low grade depression that's become her norm, stress, whatever. But if she doesn't know why she's stuck, some therapy could help her unpick that and deal with the resentment she's feeling about her ex thriving and moving on.

Something's keeping her from making the same kind of positive changes he has and that's worth exploring.

It's very often the man because the woman is often left with near sole custody of the child whilst he lives like a single man with no responsibilities.

The OP has said their arrangement is 50/50 so they have equal time, equal responsibility and equal opportunity to make changes to their lives.

There is little point in arguing over imagined minutiae given that the OP hasn't returned.

One thing I had found helpful with my ex is we went through counselling together. Too late for you of course but the thing I found helpful about it is before I instigated the split, I'd gone through some serious mental health problems. Really bad stuff linked to PTSD I didn't know I'd had since being the victim of a serious crime in my early 20s. He admitted in therapy that he'd contemplated leaving me in the middle of all that.

I didn't hate him for it. I understood if I'm honest. It was a hard time. But it also meant I felt less guilt. He'd seriously contemplated leaving me at my lowest point, so I shouldn't feel guilty that I'd felt our marriage was based upon very weak foundations. We'd both been responsible for that and it hadn't worked.

So while some people are saying "the OP doesn't need therapy" of course, they're 100% right. Unless you have a diagnosed mental health problem, you don't need therapy. But I think anyone can find support and different ways of thinking about things through therapy. Much as I think CBT is overrated, this is where it can come into its own in terms of the twisted cognition patterns it's easy to get into. So while the OP might not need therapy at all, it might still be helpful to overcome the thought patterns that lead to jealousy, rumination etc. As long term they're emotions which will impact wellbeing.

I think sometimes we feel this way because we didn’t necessarily want to end the relationship, we wanted the other person to change, but they didn’t/wouldn’t. Then when they do change after the relationship ends, you feel angry and resentful that they couldn’t do that for you but have been able to do it for themselves. Is the reality here that if your husband had made those change during the relationship, you may still be together? If so I can see how that would be difficult to deal with but sadly what’s done is done and you need to find a way to make peace with it. I really would recommend some therapy.

Yeah I thought there was a bit of shark jumping going on there too.

Often one person comes out of the relationship better than the other and it is very often the man.

I don’t really agree with the OP being called bitter though she is experiencing jealousy which is just an emotion that same as all emotions will pass if she allows it to guide her to improving her own situation.

oh my god seriously? the man is visibly doing better and the woman is bitter about it, is stuck being unreasonable and jealous. do some of you really find it impossible to believe it this way? it is suspicious because an ex husband would be more believable to be in the wrong. jesus wept. because men are known to overthink and spend their time pondering what their exes are doing, you are right. my word.

No. The comments were about him and how he may have felt about himself and the effect it may have had on the relationship. The only person that's referred to OP being attracted or not to her ex fat or not, is you.

Sounds like you were both unhappy in your marriage just he didn't realise it. You split for a reason and it's easy to look back and minimise those reasons. in any case, it's done now. When my exh left me for someone else I spent a long time (about 18 months) wanting Karma to it him, and it never did, seemed to be living his best life with his new partner replacing me. Eventually I realised i was only hurting myself, came off social media, got therapy (yes therapy was very helpful for me, if dont know how to help yourself) and focused on rebuilding my life. You have a choice, you continue to beat yourself up about things you can't change, getting more depressed and bitter (and it may be your are depressed, so again therapy and GP may be helpful) or you can concentrate on the things you can change.

This is so well expressed, was going to draft something but each effort was a bit brutal.

The issue is that you were both unhappy together and he is no longer unhappy now he is alone, but you (OP) are. It sounds as though he stood by and tried to be there for you but just wasn’t enough because the problem is inside you. That he was flat, gained weight etc and has shed all of that on becoming single indicates a toxic dynamic that was equally destroying him. On many levels you set him free - but you now need to explore what is eating you. Whether that is low self esteem, postpartum depression that you never addressed, baggage from your childhood that means navigating functional relationships does not come naturally - none of us can know. But you probably do, deep down.

I really would suggest that you consider counselling, join a women’s social group or do some online self-help courses to help change your perspective and make plans for a new future.

You will never be happy if you look to other people to complete you and you can never make anyone else happy if you do not feel complete in yourself.

Yeah at least you need feel no guilt for leaving him op: look on the bright side of that.

Sometimes it's needed, but I believe sometimes folks have no faith in their own competency, so need someone to 'instruct' them.
And... sometimes we hate taking responsibility for our mess/stagnation, so go searching for other reasons things aren't working out.

This. It feels like a reverse.

The wife ending the marriage "for no real reason" feels very much like the husband's pov of a situation in which the wife would say he wasn't pulling his weight with the baby. That's the real reason women decide we'd be better off without a partner. We weigh up the situation and realise it would make no difference if he wasn't there - and might even lift some of the load, actually.

And then there are these positive life improvements, like the weight loss, that he only did after he left the relationship. If he's improved so much in the three years since the relationship ended, then he obviously wasn't this man while he was married to OP. Most real women would have something to say about that! Most real women would be wondering where all this self-improving energy was, when it came to saving the relationship with the mother of his child.

Most real women will also be aware that while he's doing "his fair share of parenting", it won't be anything like a true 50/50 split. Because ex-wife's home will still be the base, and young children will always demand more from their mother. Women tend to be the ones dealing with the school and the doctors and doing all the life admin stuff, and are very aware of this fact. A woman who left her husband because she thought she'd be better off without him is likely to have done it for this reason. Doing things on your own is hard, but it's a different kind of frustration to the one you feel when you're supposed to have a partner to share the load with, and they're not pulling their weight. This feeling will have been part of the reason she left. It will have suffocated her daily for months. A real woman would mention it in her assessment of how she's coping post-divorce, and would be unlikely to actually believe the burden of care is equal now, even if he regularly has the kids over.

This all reads like a man's perspective on the marriage ending. "We stopped having sex and I don't know why" - male perspective. "She became irritable with me and I don't know why" - male perspective. "She thought she'd be better off without me but I don't why" - male perspective. "I'm winning the break-up because I'm fit and dating and have lots of time for my hobbies" - male perspective! Yes, people can struggle to understand their own feelings sometimes, but there are observations a woman would make that I'm just not seeing here, and the priority list feels very male. The whole thing feels like the husband's perspective on his ex-wife from the outside. Or like somebody trying to create goady internet discourse

Basically, OP (although I doubt you'll be back to read any of these posts), take what he has done and achieved as proof that you can do it too. Let it motivate you.

You separated from the man he was when in a partnership with you, for what sounds like good reasons. The fact that he's a different man entirely outside of the marriage is confirmation it was the right thing, as clearly neither of you were thriving as a couple. If you were with this improved version, there's every chance he would revert to the old pattern, as clearly the dynamic didn't bring out the best in either of you.
The most useful thing you can do now is to detach yourself from his life and focus on your own. He has found a better life outside of the marriage and your turn will come.

You need to stop comparing lives otherwise it will make you even more down.

You weren’t happy when you were married and it didn’t sound like that was going to change. Ultimately you’d have undoubtedly split up eventually anyway.

He’s done what he needed to rebuild and move forward. Internally he may still be unhappy, you’ll never know. It just ‘looks’ like his life is ‘better’.

You need to do the same now - rebuild and move forwards. You CAN do it - hobbies, exercise, self-care. You are the only one that can make this happen, and it can be tough. Sometimes it’s easier to hunker down at home in our comfort zone, but this won’t help long term.

Honestly - YOU CAN DO THIS. One step at a time and you’ll also rebuild and move forwards - there’s a bright future waiting for you to step in to, get out and grab it!

You knwo you're unreasonable so that's good. We cant help feeling jealous, but we can control what we do about it.

I think we can determine that it was not (just?) your marriage that was making you unhappy. So what is it? Possible somwthing within? You havent achieved what you wanted? How you feel within yourself? Life is different from what you imagined? I would recommend contacting a therapist and going through this with them to see what it is and then you can work on a plan on how to change it.

I've been looking at the long list of comments here, and can I just interject real quick? Some of you are really making up your own headcanons and are truly running with it. Maybe stick to the information the OP shared. For example: She said nothing about not being attracted to his exH because he was fat, never said anything about being attracted to him now that he's not either...

As I said above 'As a very clear and recent example of the effects of weight loss - I think we've all seen the impact of the weight loss injection revolution on many people's happiness and well being. There's no beating about the bush - it is what it is, and we know it. It's not about 'keeping' a partner, or male or female, it's about personal happiness and contentment with oneself - and the impact that has on others'.

Agreed, This fascination and obsession with constant navel gazing. It's destructive and a lot of the time, helps no one but the therapists bank balance.

Why oh dear? You said him losing weight might have kept the marriage going. Ergo if he was slimmer she might not have left in your opinion.

That would seem more logical to me, to be glad they are ok because it takes the pressure or guilt off if they were in the gutter/turning to drink (especially as OP has given no indication he was a bad person). When my ex remarried I wanted him to stay happily married because it was one less thing to worry about, having him in a bad place would have been no good for any of us.

Oh dear..

Had he introduced the person to your child? If not, why did you say he had?

As a very clear and recent example of the effects of weight loss - I think we've all seen the impact of the weight loss injection revolution on many people's happiness and well being. There's no beating about the bush - it is what it is, and we know it. It's not about 'keeping' a partner, or male or female, it's about personal happiness and contentment with oneself - and the impact that has on others.