Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

The OP doesn’t know why she’s unhappy. It’s an obvious way to sort through her beliefs about herself and her life as a way of figuring out what’s preventing change.

Well it seems like you thought the grass was greener and then found it wasn't, and he has found himself happier without you. You're not the first and won't be the last. It sounds like you have some good things going for you- he sounds like a decent co-parent and you have your DD and also 50% of the time to do your own thing, and a steady job to depend on.

It sounds like a good starting point to start making improvements to your own life. What hobbies interest you? You say he is into hiking, gigs and travelling- what about you?

@Arlanymor Love your first post for the OP!
So, so sensible, logical and well observed. You have even spurred me on with your encouragement and words of wisdom. Thank you!

Jeepers nelly.
That's exactly the song I was reminded of by this thread. 😁
Along with:
Yes by McCalmont and Butler.

The way it is by The Rembrandts.

Of course you're unreasonable - being dumped does make a person re-assess their life, and often results in a glow-up - it's a very well known thing. I did it myself - my DH left me 3 years ago and I've lost over 4 stones since, I look and feel a million times healthier and happier, and I've leaned on family and friends since, whereas he cut almost everyone off (whether through guilt, or shame I don't know). I feel very free and am slowly getting back to the person I was before I was "wifey" and "mum" - I had lost myself in a long marriage.

He's done the same I imagine, you can't really blame him for picking himself up after his marriage break up and moving on - and now you're wondering if you did the right thing breaking up with him, thinking the problem is you. It's a common story I'm afraid. So you work on doing the same - you become healthier, have a glow-up, pick up some new interests and so on.

Do you think you might be depressed? I do know a woman who left her marriage when her baby was young and looking back puts it down to undiagnosed PND. There's help out there if you need it - see your GP.

It's very common when married people feel dissatisfied to place the blame on their husband/wife when all the time the problem was them!

I have a friend who ended her relationship. And then was furious when he got another partner. She was right to the the relationship. But I think like you she needed to recognize that was just the start, and she needed to do more to make herself happy.

Stay off his socials.
In some ways isn’t it freeing that he is ok? You don’t have to feel guilty or fret about him, you’re free to do your own things now.
Start small and start doing things you enjoy, I did wonder from your post if you were feeling a bit frustrated that this hiking, gig going happy guy wasn’t the guy that showed up for you in your marriage?

It's a bitter pill to swallow OP, and in your shoes I would be a tiny bit envious too. But you've had some great advice here, so kick start your own life!

You need to stop using your ex's life as the yard stick to measure your own.

Do you want to meet someone new yet? I know my SIL when she split from her dh wasn't ready for several years she wanted time to herself.

What type of social life / activities do you want to do and what is stopping you? etc.

Think of your own goals separately, prioritise and start actioning them. No one else is going to do that for you.

You learn from your mistakes and that if he was a great guy maybe sometimes marriages are worth saving .
your feelings are valid , but be a grownup and know you are in the wrong here and he is doing nothing wrong .

You say ‘single’ and then ‘not married’- do you think you want love or a relationship? Because I’d just caution you to not leap because you want to have what you and your dh had, but with lust and love in there too, you need to start being happy first

what is the word for manhating? There should be new rule on mumsnet and the official definition given to us

Poor man. You shoved him out the door, now you want to control his new independent private life. Are you going to be ever satisfied? May be you just don't like men

You sound like the ex from hell sorry to say OP. You can't leave someone and then get arsey when they find a new partner, nor can you dictate when and if he introduces your shared daughter to a new partner.

This almost reads like ragebait you're so unreasonable.

Reminds me of the song by The Beautiful South "A Little Time".

Honestly I was actually thinking it was more often the man because very often men leave one relationship for another so the partner left behind has to deal with the betrayal trauma and as you say the day to day practicalities as well.

But thankfully the OP is at least not dealing with that.

Perhaps though she lacks confidence in making her new life and the sense of self to figure out what she will really enjoy doing. All of that is very easily developed given a bit of practice and making mistakes and making changes and training herself to focus on the nice life she is building.

Sometimes that process can be hurried along with a bit of therapy to figure this stuff out and to deal with the emotions the split has brought up such as the jealousy.

This reminds me of a good friend of ours.

His wife dumped him, saying she wasn’t happy, and he was devastated. He slept 1 hour a night for a year, and his self esteem was in tatters. His ex went to and fro with him a few times, always dropping him.

In the end he turned his life around, then met someone new who he was really happy with and even told me he was glad he was dumped as he’d never have met his second wife.

I’m not trying to rub salt in your wounds, but you dumped him. He probably went through a really tough time. You should be glad he’s thriving as you no longer need to concern yourself about him.

You need to find your own happiness rather than trying to spoil his newfound one.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Work on yourself. Ignore what he's doing.

My therapist massively encouraged me to work on myself and not seek the happiness from my husband. That’s the main thing - so now enter into that relationship with yourself. Love and nurture yourself.

If it’s not a reverse, you need a therapy.

It sounds that you did him a huge favour breaking up because you were unhappy with the situation and now you are jealous that he's made a better life for himself without your negative attitude. Good luck to him, follow his example and sort your own life out.

Life with children is hard, OP. It feels relentless and I think most relationships suffer as a result of exhaustion and routine. It's only now our DC are a lot older that DH and I have anything near a semblance of a decent marriage. You took a path that you thought would solve your happiness but it hasn't. And that's OK. What you need to do is take stock, acknowledge what your ex has done to move on and follow a blueprint for you. At least he's not a deadbeat Dad and living in squalor like many end up doing. He's a good role model for your DC and now you need to be one too.

We all need to make our own sunshine.

Its hard not to compare but you definitely need to focus on improving your life and making yourself happy. Redecorating, finding or engaging with hobbies, spending time with friends or trying to make some new ones etc.