Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

You wouldn't have been any happier you didn't split up. It doesn't sound like you're less happy, but annoyed it didn't solve everything by leaving him. He's worked on himself and found a new potential gf. This isn't something he's done wrong so don't take it out on him. Work out what is making you unhappy and work on that, in time you may be ready to find a new relationship.

I left my ex husband, after 20+ years, simply because the marriage had run its course. No abuse etc.

I made my choice and then it was my life to live, as I chose.👍. My ex had his life to live, as he chose.

I made a new life, and had happy years afterwards.

25 years on from all this, my ex is still sitting there whining and playing the victim.🙄

Life is what we make of it. 👍

It's hard not to take a 'glow up' personally, if they wouldn't do it when you were with them.

Is that true of women who 'glow up' after a break up too?

Mind you, women advise other women to don't to show their ex what a mistake he has made. I can't see the problem if a man decides to do that too.

Or... maybe he's just happier now and so feels more motivated 🤷🏻‍♀️

I understand where you are coming from, as I had this happen to. 16 years ago now, but it still really pisses me off when I think about it!

Like you, I blamed myself...but time has taught me to reframe it another way - in that ex H could have done all he did after I left, when we were still together, and it would have benefitted us both. But for some reason - and it wasn't me - he wasn't motivated to. I personally now thinks that it boils down to sheer laziness and selfishness. I'd spent 15 years trying to persuade him to get a car - a point blank refusal every time: 'it will just sit in the drive/insurance/petrol costs too much' etc. Less than 6 months after I'd left he'd bought one and has had a car ever since. I then had to listen to him telling me all the great trips/days out him and his new girlfriend had gone on...

It's hard not to take a 'glow up' personally, if they wouldn't do it when you were with them. I never wanted my ex H to suffer, I just wish he'd been motivated to do it while he were still together...but that's all on him.

Christ Alive, she doesn't know why she is unhappy??

We have all told her why!

She is pissed off because her ex has lost weight, gained new interest, is happy and has a new partner and she hasn't.

What exactly will a therapist do that we haven't??

If she was getting on fine, she wouldn't give her ex a second thought, much less make a thread about it.

This is so common. If you really think you will treat him better and appreciate him, for your kid's sake you could ask if he'll try again, but don't be surprised if he says no.
Could you train for a new career, or start some new hobbies? How about some volunteer work?

I honestly do not think that if the genders were reversed here the replies would be half as sweet.

'I broke up with the mother of my child. No real reason like she's an OK lass an' all but she'd got a bit out of shape and it was all boring as feck.
She's since lost weight, seems happy and got a new bloke.
I'm annoyed as hell. I sent her a message that my kid's not to meet this bloke without my say so'

REPLIES:

'You bustard!'

'You sound like a narcissist.'

'Get your own life sorted. Loser!'

Or am I being cynical? 😁

It's good for your daughter that he's in a good place and so try to see it as a positive. She should be around happy adults who set a good example to her. It might take you longer but im sure you will get there too. Maybe adjusting to becoming a parent has taken its toll?

It sounds like you expected to thrive without him and instead he’s the one thriving without you. Did you expect your life to look more like the one he has and that he’d be sitting crying over what he had lost? Sounds like you need to work on yourself and what you want rather than resenting him for doing just that.

It's mad the amount of "pity he couldn't be bothered to make an effort when he was with you" posts given the woman in question hasn't bothered to make an effort with or without him

Absolutely spot on. The 'oh, your husband leaves his socks on the bedroom floor, so leave the rat' brigade would be on him like a baying mob.

Agreed. The double standards on MN are batshit. Imagine the reverse of this thread:

"My husband left me last year. He admits I didn't do anything wrong, he just started feeling differently about me after our daughter was born. We now share 50/50 residency of our five-year-old. I've lost four stone, built an active social life, and am seeing someone new. My ex-husband just angrily texted me to say he's shocked I've introduced our daughter to my new boyfriend so early. I replied politely that I haven't introduced them at all, which is true. Have I done something wrong?"

MN would have called the ex every name under the sun by now. Absolutely no one would have said "why didn't you make all this effort while you were with him? He must be very hurt" or "it sounds as though you moved on without putting in the inner work."

I voted that you are not being unreasonable, because you aren't.

You were unreasonable in thinking that your husband was the reason you were unhappy, but that ship has sailed, and I admire your honesty and self-awareness now. It IS a hard pill to swallow, seeing someone move on without you and realising that you've made a colossal mistake.

There's no point beating yourself up about that now, you know it was misguided, but mistakes can be mended. I don't mean that you can undo what has happened with your ex, but you CAN get yourself into the same place he has. Happy and healthy.

I suggest that you consider therapy, if you can afford it. But also, as other people have said, you have time when your daughter is at her dad's to think about what YOU want, what makes you happy. 3 years is more than long enough to wallow - it's time to get back on your feet.

When I split from my son's dad, I entered what I would describe as the happiest period of my life. I loved solo parenting - hard as it is - I took up a new hobby, started my own business, I discovered that I am a runner, and I grew so much in confidence. These things didn't happen to me - I had to make them all happen. And it's hard work, especially if you don't really know who you are or what you are into outside of Being Married and Being A Mum. But it's also really exciting. Try and be excited for yourself.

And try to stop resenting your ex. You treated him badly, it must have really hurt him - he's done a good job getting himself back together. It's your turn now.

I feel for you OP but the answer really is in finding your OWN happiness. Trust me once you are happy with your life you would not care what your EX is up to. About 20 years ago I was in a ridiculously bad relationship but didnt want to end because I was so worried who my ex would see, what he would do where he would be (just all pure jealousy because I knew he would immediately move on and have an amazing life without me). I mean looking back that was beyond stupid because as soon as I find happiness I didnt think twice of him, I really hope you can fill your free time with fun things and meet people and do things that make you happy, and eventually you will care less about him.

It sounds like your ex has made better use of his 50% free time whilst you are still in full time mum mode. Time to follow his example and make some changes - dating, hobbies, trips, study? Time for some you time.

The definition of futility is repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.

If you want something in your life to change, you have to change something in your life.

For me it was new friends/a new hobby.
Things have stagnated recently, and it's because i have stagnated. Time to move again, to make a change.

do something different

You didn't want him. You divorced him. He moved on. He's getting on with life.
You, for some reason, can't handle that. I'm extremely sorry to have to say this, but you've made your bed, so you have to lie in it.

I think you need to start working on your self-awareness and connecting with your needs and feelings. In therapy, preferably.

I can see why this is annoying but good for him especially as it sounds like you were the one to call it a day. He didn't have a choice and has made the best of his situation.

I don’t disagree with other posters, that only you can determine how you are living your life. And your exh seems to have done a better job at this point in time in doing so, apparently, positively.

two things come to mind

1. ”Hope”: when you divorced, or thought of divorcing did you hope that it would make things better for you? We often do without making actual plans of what and how our life will be post divorce. Hope is an insidious emotion and thought process. It can actually stop us making actual plans, especially those involving discomfort at, or fear of unknown, and in turn that stops us taking actual action. We just get stuck in a place of “hoping” it’ll get better. But not actually doing anything. How much did you hope about what life would be like post divorce, vs actually planning your life?

1. its a fact that men, generally, not all men, but generally, move on from long term relationships much quicker than women, (again not all women, on average.) whilst this might not mean they jump straight into a relationship after divorce, widowhood, it does mean they are more likely to move on with a new life and adapt to that. God knows my exh started saying he was “excited” about being single agian only moments after the word divorce was spoken! My dad met a new partner within 4 weeks of my mums funeral! This is not exceptional. We all know the data: married men are happy, wealthier and less ill than married women. Single women are happier, wealthier and less ill than married women. Generally men tend to “need” being in partnerships more than women…hence the angry young single misogynistic men movement! Your exh seems to be just a typical bloke. No magic ability, hejust has moved on quicker than you, as a typical woman

You aren’t going to do what he has done until you are ready to do so, and can visualise a more positive future for yourself, and live, not just survive. Only then can you start to replace hope with actions and plans to move you to that. Give yourself time, even though you instigated divorcee it is still a grief of type, and we all grieve in different ways.

you do you. Look at your own mental well-being first, you can’t take action if you are struggling with your mental well-being etc.

I'm not saying that your post has no merit, however, I don't think that gender necessarily comes into this.

I really don't think that this is a gender issue because both men and women are capable of chucking away a decent person because they're bored, thinking that life will be better if that that person was gone, and later finding that actually it was not the person they got rid of but them that was the issue.
And both men and women can be devastated by this.

It's something that does not fit neatly along gender lines at all.

If OP was a man I would say exactly the same thing and saying well done to the wife who'd dusted herself off and improved.

Tbh, I don't have an issue with people using AI to clarify their thoughts or tweak their expression but what is the point of a straight c&p that isn't even your own thoughts?

I listen to the podcast "Wanging on" and while one of the dilemmas was different to yours, the advice they had made me think of you op.

"Appreciate the life you have, not the life you think you should have."

Too many girls are socialised to think marriage is the goal of life and will make you happy. We literally read stories when we were young where the female protagonist got married and then:

"...they lived happily ever after."

Nobody lives happily ever after. Even in great relationships. A therapist once said to me "all relationships are work, some are hard work."

So nix that thought that "if only I was in a relationship, I'd be happy" because that's BS. The first flushes of lust are amazing. But that lasts for 2 years tops. After that, it's washing each others' pants and being irritated by the way they leave the cheese unwrapped in the fridge (just me?) In the meantime, if your emotional wellbeing is solely reliant on the boost you get from that first flush of love you won't negotiate the ups and downs of being with someone in the long term.

That's why people are saying "focus on you" because being happy in your own skin is a surer way of being happy full stop but also much more likely to be happy in a relationship with someone else, if that does happen for you. And if it doesn't, so what? I can tell you now that as I close in on 50, there are plenty of women my age that see that as an amazing achievement. Being on your own? Financially stable? That's a bloody win. It's certainly an improvement on being with someone you don't love.

edit - wrong thread