Ended marriage and ex is thriving…. but I’m not

If I feel like I’m lacking something in life then how would resenting someone that has it make my circumstances better? It wouldn’t. Some people are more emotional and can't be all that logical about it 🤷‍♀️ Some people instinctively feel things that there is little rational explanation for. There's probably a big emotional scale / range for "normal" and I think feeling jealous and resentful of an ex is not exactly pathological or 'narcissistic'.

I know some people are less jealous etc than others but being resentful towards exes (even good exes) is hardly uncommon.

People feel what they feel. I'm sure all the people who claim to never think about their exes, and only ever wish their exes well probably have other, different, unsavoury thoughts from time to time. I don't think OP is going to hurt anyone with her unkind thoughts, although I do agree she should try to move on in a more positive way.

Thats a very good way of describing it.

In my late 20s I got dumped by my girlfriend and was pretty cut up about it for a while. My ex and I had a semi shared social circle so I would see her every so often with her new bloke. I had suspected there had been an overlap but had zero evidence for an affair which I admit stung at the time and I tried to be the 'better man' as she simpered around me with faux friendliness. To help take my mind off things I took up rowing and within six months I was immersed in a new social circle and bloody fit. Fast forward another year and I had qualified for Henley regatta, was dating a fellow club member from the women's squad and enjoying my new life. My ex for some reason did not like this and the over the top friendliness soon evaporated and instead got barbed comments about my new girlfriend not being my type and what did I see in her etc. She was still with her bloke but seemed weirdly invested in my private life years later.

I’m not seeing reflection from OP, but rather annoyance that it hasn’t gone the way she thought it would. As if the break up was a competition she feels cheated out of winning.

People vary in what they’re inclined towards, to a greater or lesser degree. Either through circumstance or genetic lottery I really don’t ’get‘ jealousy and/or envy (I can for sure be spiteful and vengeful, however). If I feel like I’m lacking something in life then how would resenting someone that has it make my circumstances better? It wouldn’t.

@Arlanymor Love your first post for the OP!
So, so sensible, logical and well observed. You have even spurred me on with your encouragement and words of wisdom. Thank you!

Three years ago I ended my marriage. DH didn’t do anything wrong, I just started to feel
differently after DD was born. We’d become housemates, intimacy all but stopped, and platonic friendship started to turn to irritation. To me, it seemed obvious that my life would easier and better alone, so I ended it.

The split was amicable enough, and he’s a great dad - we have 50/50 time with DD, and he does his fair share of parenting.

The issue is that he’s absolutely thrived since the split. He’s lost about 4 stones in weight. He has a two bed flat that is lovely. He’s built an active social life, attending gigs, hiking, and travelling when he doesn’t have DD. Whenever I see him he’s just noticeably happier, healthier, better dressed, better looking, and in a better mood than he ever was when we were together.

To cap it all off, last week I found out he’s been tentatively seeing someone new. For reasons I can’t explain I text him quite angrily to say I was shocked he’d introduce someone to DD without my agreement. I got a very measured and reasonable response back saying he’d not introduced anyone to DD and had no plans to do so, but would tell me if that changed.

Then there’s me. I haven’t really moved on since the split. Same job. Single. Same situation, just without a husband. I just feel so empty and aimless, just like I did before we split up. I feel like my diagnosis of why I felt that way was the marriage and it clearly wasn’t that at all. And seeing him doing so well makes me think the problem was me.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I just don’t know what to do next or what to do or how to move on in a situation of my own making.

I think that some people think they still own you in some way even you do nothing really wrong - apart from bore them - and they end it.

It's common in narcissists, they don't end it in their mind, they just shelve you for a later date. You're not a human with your own needs and desires, you're a shelved possession and they get pissed off when somebody else takes you off the shelf.

I’m not seeing reflection from OP, but rather annoyance that it hasn’t gone the way she thought it would. As if the break up was a competition she feels cheated out of winning.

People vary in what they’re inclined towards, to a greater or lesser degree. Either through circumstance or genetic lottery I really don’t ’get‘ jealousy and/or envy (I can for sure be spiteful and vengeful, however). If I feel like I’m lacking something in life then how would resenting someone that has it make my circumstances better? It wouldn’t.

I may have completely interpreted OP wrong, but I imagine she doesn't want her ex to actually suffer? More that she got unpleasant feelings (which she admitted were unreasonable) on seeing him doing so well.

Humans have horrible, jealous, unreasonable, petty, spiteful feelings or fleeting thoughts all the time. It's about reflecting on them and not acting on them (or delighting in them).

That, thankfully, isn’t a universal trait of ‘being human’. The man did nothing wrong, why his doing well be a source of annoyance?

I’ve never wished my exes badly, or compared my life post-split to theirs. TBH I don’t actually think of them at all.

The hell you doing laughing at puppies tripping up?
That's too far.

I would not feel good about my ex doing bad or "worse" by any measure. And I don't even have a child with her. If I did, then it's even more of a reason not to. I would want the other parent to thrive and be happy, even if we strictly focus on the kid we'd share, for their sake. Nobody's a saint, we all go 'finally' at the office moron when he/she finally gets busted for being sneaky, and we all laughed at videos of puppies tripping or some unfortunate person breaking the sink mid-renovation. But , come on, as pp has said, feeling better when someone else (especially the other parent of our kid) is doing worse is just shitty.

'I don’t actually think of them at all'. Sure.

'I don’t actually think of them at all'. Sure.

That, thankfully, isn’t a universal trait of ‘being human’. The man did nothing wrong, why his doing well be a source of annoyance?

I’ve never wished my exes badly, or compared my life post-split to theirs. TBH I don’t actually think of them at all.

I'm sure she's wouldn't but would you not even feel a tiny pang of annoyance in OP's situation? Come on, we're all human.

I'm sure she's wouldn't but would you not even feel a tiny pang of annoyance in OP's situation? Come on, we're all human.

I'm sure she's wouldn't but would you not even feel a tiny pang of annoyance in OP's situation? Come on, we're all human.

It's hard not to take a 'glow up' personally, if they wouldn't do it when you were with them.

Is that true of women who 'glow up' after a break up too?

Mind you, women advise other women to don't to show their ex what a mistake he has made. I can't see the problem if a man decides to do that too.

Or... maybe he's just happier now and so feels more motivated 🤷🏻‍♀️

Would you be happier if he was miserable OP? In a shitty flat that your daughter visited? Fat as fuck and crying every night about his shit life? Sounds like he has made the most of the split and it’s time you did too. It’s what you wanted and it’s only you that can change things.