AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

Also. I’ve reported this thread to MN and asked them to post upfront asking it people can read all updates. I’m not sure if OP needs to do this but hoping they might be able to on other posters requests

This. Why is parenting an obligation for women and a choice for men.

The number of people on here who are blaming the op for lenient parenting and justifying her DH opting out on that basis.

They had 3 children together and the fact that he can walk away from that without proper explanations and a plan for maintaining the wellbeing of his kids shows just who he prioritised, and I say this as someone who went through terrible times and made it out of bed because 3 dc relied on me.

There’s an OW and his dc are being used as an excuse.

Just to say I’m so so sorry OP, life sounds like it’s thrown everything at you both at the moment. What’s he’s told you is a lot to take in but the fact he’s opened up to you suggests he wants to get better.

Please make sure you also seek support (are you also covered by his private medical care) 🌺

If there’s an issue with the boys behaviour it is up to BOTH parents to address that. Not for one to declare it ‘too much’ and check out.

@ByPeppyKoala i am sonsorry this has happened.

As someone who has an anxiety disorder and struggles to deal with stress especially when everything around me is in chaos, his behaviour from what you have written is indicative (for me at least) of a stress trigger. Is it possible that there are issues at work, possible redundancies etc that might be a trigger?

His words sound desperate, especially saying he feels like he is failing. It sounds like depression.

I would reach out to him, maybe counselling would help you all?

Oh, OP, how sad for your husband and how worrying for you. Thank God he's seeing his GP tomorrow. I do hope he gets signed off work for a bit. It sounds like he's having some pretty severe mental health issues. But, the good news is that he can get better. With the right treatment and support, mental health is very treatable. Gosh, he must have felt absolutely desperate when being so tempted to jump in front of a train. Thank God he didn't do it.

Things can get better, OP. You'll see. Your two boys have their diagnoses now and so will get the right treatment, and so will your DH. Better times ahead.

Sending hugs xxx 💐

The only way I can find some justification for his behaviour is if you regularly forbid him to have a say in raising the boys. And he wont push the matter further so as to not create arguments with you. I've seen this exact scenario in my family, where the mum did not believe in telling kids off/ setting boundaries and after 15 years the husband just lost it and walked out. She cant figure our why as she cant see anything wrong with her ways.

I completely agree. Honestly @ByPeppyKoala I would ask for this thread to be removed some posters are not reading your updates.

I’m so sorry for your loss. You are both carrying this terrible terrible grief as well as trying to cope with 3 full on boys and everything else in life. It sounds like you both need support and help. You haven’t failed, you’re just living through extremely difficult circumstances.

They are married, he is the father to her children, why wouldn't she help!
Gosh, no wonder there's so much divorce if people can't be support their own husbands/wives.

For better or worse, not until you have MJ issues.

So sad reading your updates OP. I hope that he gets the help that he needs and that you can both work through this xx

I'd be mad about this. So it's ok for him to just walk away and have a break and say he can't do this but meanwhile you have to keep struggling on and just dealing with it on your own instead of part of a team. Must be nice. How about he puts his big boy pants on and works with you instead of just bowing out when the going gets tough.
My husband would be told not to bother coming back.
Hope you get sorted op x

You have asked AIBU to feel hurt that your husband has walked out?

Then further updates say that you have lost a child, two children have been diagnosed with ADHD, your husband has contemplated suicide many times.

I think you both need urgent assistance from a GP or mental health professional.

None of this is ok.

This is absolutely awful. My deepest, deepest sympathies for your loss.

Have you spoken with him since? Could he be depressed and just lost the plot? Has he always been an engaged parent? Are your boys well behaved generally? My boys are 10, 5 and 3 so I can understand it’s loud and sometimes it can feel a bit much. He may just need some time to gather himself. Where has he gone?

It's interesting that your sons are neurodivergent, because I was wondering whether that was the issue with your DH. Many neurodivergent people struggle with change and noise, so a household occasionally full of chaos may well be something your husband really struggles to cope with. I'm not sure what you can do about it short of arranging for your husband to live separately but together with you some of the time.

It sounds like both of you are understandably completely burnt out. He may not be handling it brilliantly but having been in burn out I get it’s not always possible

do you think he would be up for some sort of therapy as an individual a couple and ideally a family?

Please don't listen to those trying to put responsibility for his MH onto you as well as coping with the children, house, work etc. He's perfectly able to ring his GP/make an appointment to see someone/walk into A & E.

His MH is not your job to fix, this has to be on him.

Also wondering if your sons getting their diagnoses has made his realise he may have ADHD or be neurodiverse himself?

So sorry you are going through all this.

I have recently gone through similar with my DH. I had noticed for a while he just wasn't himself, was very snappy with the kids, lacked patience and had no get up and go. I told him numerous times he wasn't himself, let's go to the GP and he point blank refused.

Exact same situation as you, it all came to a head after a family holiday abroad. He just kept saying I cant do this anymore, I cant deal with the kids, Im a shit father and he just felt miserable. Saying he loves me and kids but hates his life. The next morninf he went off to work, but didnt go. Came home, we sat down and I finally convinced him to go to the GP.
I went with him to the GP, he then came told GP he was having suicidal thoughts. First I had heard of it. It was devastating to listen to.

He was prescribed an anti depressant and my lovely husband is finally back.

My advice is to get him to a GP ASAP and go from there.

I hope you are doing ok xx

Exactly this. The man sounds like he needs some mental health support.
start with that & take care of your own mental health too OP.
you’ve been together a long time. You know him & this sounds like it’s been building without any change being implemented for him. Maybe this is the reset you both need to come together again with professional help. Good luck and trust in yourself & your own instincts (not those of well meaning strangers online). All the best.

This is really terrible, Op. I’m sorry.

(Deleted the rest of my post after catching up with the updates)

So it's okay for her DH to basically absolve himself from parenting and family life and OP has to manage his mental health as well? No. At some point people have to learn to manage themselves, I'm sorry he's struggling but he is an adult and should go to the GP like I'm sure OP would if it was her that was struggling.

OP is being wonderful by even entertaining him at the moment after he left her and she's being supportive but at some point people have to be responsible for themselves.

You both need support. You’ve been through a very difficult time losing your daughter - many condolences.

My DS has a friend who has ASHD as does another of his siblings. From what their parents say, they have coped by not doing things that they know their DC won’t cope with. Their mum told me years ago when the boys were about 10 and 12 that their holidays were self catering - no hotels, no restaurants at night because their DSs just couldn’t cope. (Now they’re young adults and they do cope.) They had family members telling them that they must try to do ‘normal’ things with their DC, but I remember her saying that they survived by doing things differently.