AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

I honestly feel such immense sympathy for parents dealing with children with SEN. I can’t imagine how I’d actually cope. I don’t think I’d be strong enough mentally to deal with the constant difficulties which would be associated with looking after children in that situation. It must be so difficult, and maybe you’re one of life’s copers, or at least from your comments on here you seem to take it all in your stride, which is admirable. But maybe your DH is just not coping with it, and is just burnt out from it all. I know that doesn’t help you, and it could be seen as a selfish act that he’s just checked out, but maybe some sort of counselling could help. If he of course agrees to, and wants to, get help.

Its the standard cribsheet response on here along with 'LTB'.

Men have mental health breakdowns. 2 of my family members have been through this. It's not at all difficult to understand how the loss of a child and feeling that you have to be strong to support your wife and remaining children until you reach breaking point has brought someone to suicidal thoughts and a final inability to cope.

I assume you have not read the OP's updates or the MNHQ comments. If you have your comment is disgusting.

Affairs are rare, because for an affair to happen, a man needs to find two different women who are attracted to him. That is simply not true for the majority of men.

Just to say that I am sorry that this is all happening to you. The burden of parenting and the worry about your DH, on top of the losing your daughter must be unbearable, I cant imagine how you're putting one foot in front of the other. Great advice upthread on Early Help-I really hope it helps you xx

For the love of God, can a man not just be unwell? He's had suicidal thoughts, sometimes things are as they are, there is nothing else happening.

I strongly disagree with this. I think it sounded like he was struggling badly with his MH from OPs very first post, let alone the updates.

OP, I hope his appointment goes well tomorrow. If it doesn't, please encourage him to speak to a different GP, sometimes you have to try more than once before someone really listens to what you need. I'd also speak to the boys school so they can have some extra support during this. Finally, please don't forget you - you need and deserve support too. If you can talk to friends/family, or your GP or other organisations to get support. I wish you all the best.

You both must bear unimaginable pain as you continue to grieve for your daughter. I think you are immeasurably strong in the way that you are holding things together.

I don’t know how you will come through this, but I do know that I hope you can be a family again, a happy family. I’m sure I won’t be the only person reading this tonight who is in your corner.

@ByPeppyKoala
bless you, you sound so lovely and as a family you and your DH have been through a lot xxx
call your surgery about DH’s depression and suicidal thoughts -
he sounds utterly burnt out, as I’m sure are you -
treat what is happening as a mental health emergency- because it is-
thinking of you x

This is just the start, don't be under the impression there can't be another woman. This screams "script ". They all follow it for some reason. Do some digging you'll find something. Sorry you're going through this

I’m with you! Honestly some of the people’s responses to this telling the man to pull his boot straps up are just unacceptable. We hate the manosphere but yet men are not allowed to feel.

OP, you sound like you’ve been through the wringer and you’ve done so well to keep going. Those judging need to get off their high horses and consider how they would cope in your shoes. You’re doing all the right things. You sound like and an amazing wife and mother. Keep your chin up 💐

When you are depressed, your desire to take appropriate actions is often diminished. I'm very glad you spoke with him OP and that his burden is shared. I think it is understandable that with three lively boys, two ND and having lost your daughter he is struggling with his MH and this may be a struggle for you too. All the things you are doing seem sensible in terms of him seeing a GP and getting therapy, but it's not a quick fix for anything, more a long-term project. Now he's told you, though it may be that it being a family project is much better than feeling it's his individual problem or there's something wrong with you.

Many people have breakdowns and recover; it's great he's opened up, and you all need to get support and help, you as well as him, to cope. This places a huge strain on you though so do seek real-life help and support from your own family and friends, and perhaps consider a therapist yourself to offload your own worries. I hope it works out for you all.

I’m sorry but given the information the OP has given this is a SERIOUSLY unhelpful post. This isn’t the time for your gender digs.

20 men commit suicide every day in the UK.

telling men to “man up”, as you intimate with your posts, helps neither women OR men, and simply reinforces the view that men have to bottle it up, to disastrous consequences.

grow up and learn empathy.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and on top of that, receiving some really judgemental comments here - which is the last thing you need or deserve at a time like this, especially considering you’ve done nothing wrong. I have no better advice than that which has already been offered by helpful commenters, but your grace in dealing with the situation, alongside some of the not-so-nice things said in this thread, is admirable. I hope you and your husband find a way to work through all of this, and that things get easier for you and your family very soon. ❤️‍🩹

I am so sorry for all you have been through and all you are going through. I can’t begin to understand but my husband struggles with his mental health and I struggle with the knock on impact. You sound like you are doing amazingly.
I hope things begin to get better for you your DH and your boys whatever that looks like 💐

What a tragic situation. My immediate thought was how dare he decide unilaterally that you need to double your efforts on the things he’s decided he can’t cope with. Then having learned of his suicidal thoughts I can see the conundrum but TBH if he hasn’t already started intensive therapy then he is still completely abrogating his responsibilities.

I think you sound like a wonderful mum who is doing her best in very tough circumstances and your husband sounds lke a good man who is struggling. Depression can drive you to isolate yourself from your loved ones so please don't take it personally that he didn't open up to you. It robs you of rational decision making and can make you feel like you would be poisoning those you care about by sharing. If you feel up to it, it might be useful to have a discussion with him about what marriage means to you, that you are a team and want to support him but you need honesty back. I think it's common when a couple have been through immense trauma that they can end up plodding along together but quite able to voice their feelings to each other in an attempt to stop the other feeling bad. For him this has become depression for you it might look like passivity or numbing. Did you ever approach therapy as a couple following the death of your daughter?

I've just read your updates.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this. My condolences on your loss. 💐

Your husband needs help. He reached out to someone. The fact that it wasn't you is irrelevant. Please see it as a positive rather than a negative. This could be the start of a healing process if he's encouraged to seek some form of professional intervention. It's a journey. And he'll need time to work through it.

I hope you have people you can lean on in the meantime. Friends? Family? God knows I think you deserve some support. I wish you and your family all the best for the future.

Ps. I agree with another poster - please accept help from family or friends to support you through this too. And if you are feeling wobbly please speak with your GP.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know it has been hard since he walked out and you are understandably hurt that he didn't open up to you. But, grief is not rational or logical. He has opened up now. Try to use this as an opportunity to keep the communication channels open and help each other through. And try to get professional help. But, be kind to yourself. This sounds like the last thing you needed right now. It sounds like you need some self care. Maybe some time off work or a massage or whatever helps you unwind. He may be hurting, but that doesn't mean you aren't too xx

That is so tough - you have all been through a lot. I hope you can get some support for your husband and also feel more at ease yourself. It may not feel it now, but it will get easier.

I suspect the OP isn't returning, because some have been less than helpful , shall we say. However I just want to make the point that carers need someone to care for them. That was made clear to me when I was struggling. We all need a person who will care, who will give us a hug, do something practical for us,listen to the worries. If you have such a one in real life please lean on them, take offers of help, because people do want to help, and if there are any Carers groups in your area, give them a try.
Sending you a hug and kind thoughts.

Op I hope you are doing ok and I hope your husband is ok. Ive read all your posts and it does seem you've all been through a lot with your daughter and recent sons diagnosis and he's just hit the last straw for him and he's had a breakdown. I hope he can get the help he needs, and you can work through it together. All the best.

Please ignore people's comments on your parenting. They don't know you or your children. This isn't anything you've done wrong. This is just situations which are really hard and have hit your husband hard and sometimes we can't take any more.