AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

I’m so sorry OP. Do you have family support or close friends in real life that can help prop you up too?
I agree with previous posters about possibly approaching social services for help as a whole family.
Your boys sound very similar to my nephew, so I totally understand the absolute chaos and how exhausting it must be for you both

So sorry to hear your family is going through this OP. You deserve support and I'm sorry ppl have been horrid on this thread.
Sending strength and hoping ppl will be kinder moving forward x

@ByPeppyKoala
I came to say some of this. My eldest son (33) is currently just coming out of a mental health crisis. The psychiatric team think it’s highly likely he has ADHD (his brother was late diagnosed) and this goes some way to explain why he’s ended up in crisis. He is very high achieving and as this poster says, he just tried to get through for a long time.

Practically, just ensure he (and you) have all the contact numbers for crisis services to hand. And look after yourself x

I’m so very sorry to read all that you both have been going through. You are grieving the very worst loss in the world while doing your best for your boys. I’m so sad for you both. He also has tried to protect you by not telling you until now. Now you know, you can support him in getting help but I would imagine you don’t have all this extra energy and resilience waiting to come into play, it must feel overwhelming and so hard OP. I am sending you love and strength to make it through. It sounds so hard but also you sound like a great team and he is collapsing under the terrible strain of loss and stress.

I'm sorry to read your posts @ByPeppyKoala. You sound like an amazing strong woman. And you've had a long and strong relationship.
Supporting someone's mental health is so hard because a lot of the time you are second guessing their needs and they don't know what they are then in your case you have the whole family to support.
I hope your DH can get the help he needs. And I hope you and the boys can too. I hope you can get extra support from family in this time. You have been through such hard times it's I hope you can all keep going as a unit. I hope you have someone who can support you too.

When you are going through hell keep going.x

@BootMakerdid you even fully read the OP? or all OPs comments?

You clearly don't think that men can become mentally unwell. You clearly have no idea of mental illness generally. I hope that no male in your family becomes unwell and decides that the only solution is to take their own life. Every day men do that, because they are told to man up,because no one thinks that they are ill. This man is ill, he needs urgent help. If he broke his leg would you expect him to just keep on walking on it?

Are you serious? THAT is how you would treat someone going through a severe mental health crisis? God forbid anyone ever asks you for help or shows signs of needing help.

Anyone questioning your parenting needs to be ashamed. It is completely normal for kids to play up especially when they’re tired etc. I think yours husband is dealing with immense stress and not able to get out of it. He needs therapy if he hasn’t already and a few weeks or more off work. Have you all had therapy and counselling for the bereavement. I’m so sorry for the loss .

If you had sufficient time to type out your response, then you could at least have bothered to read all of the OP's updates as advised by MNHQ

@ByPeppyKoala lying here sobbing for a woman, man and 3 boys I don’t know. And your little girl.

You have been through far too much and I can’t even imagine how difficult it is to hear your husband say he was so close to ending his life. My heart is fully going out to you and sending you every bit of strength.

If you have private insurance, get him to a psychiatrist asap. Even inpatient at the priory. Keep him safe. For your boys.

If you have anyone who can help with childcare (you mentioned a holiday with family recently) to ‘shield’ them a little from all of this I would call in those favours.

And please make a gp appt for you too as I think you’ve got a long road ahead navigating this. Giving you strength through my tears xx

Hi Op, I have read all of your comments but not the full thread, so please forgive me if I am repeating something said by others. I was just wondering, given that two of your sons are now diagnosed ND (and possibly the third will be in time?), is it possible that your husband is also ND? I speak as a mother who discovered her own neurodiversity following the diagnosis of her child, and getting that diagnosis (whilst a shock at first) has really helped me to understand both my needs and those of my child. If it turns out that your husband is also ND, then he may find the same, that a diagnosis helps him to understand his own needs, and not only to help you both to shape home life to work better for all of you, but also to help him with issues he may be experiencing at work. Even if he is extremely successful, which it sounds like he is, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have difficulties in the workplace. For me, understanding that it is Ok that I don’t do well in certain conditions because of my ND - not because I’m ‘weak’ or ‘stupid’, but because I am ND - has almost given me permission to advocate for my own needs. I didn’t even realise how much stress certain things caused me, such as the brightly lit, noisy, crowded office, until lockdown when I didn’t have to experience them anymore, but going back in afterwards threw it all into relief. If he is experiencing this, if he has to use extra energy to compensate at work, it will mean he has less bandwidth to cope at home. It may also be making him feel weak, or useless, or like there is something wrong with him. It may not apply and he may be entirely NT, but I just wanted to flag the possibility.

The comment was 'for' the fact that - despite it now being blindingly obvious that the OP's husband is in the midst of a serious mental health crisis - you and a few other posters are still seemingly determined to make the OP feel worse by going on about an Other Woman, based on no evidence whatsoever. Or getting in the usual stuff about The Patriarchy - I'm not saying it's not a thing but FFS it sounds like the man was very close to killing himself- maybe save it for another time yeah?

This thread has shown some of the best of MN but God it's shown some of the worst too.

Ah @ByPeppyKoala I'm the dickhead that doesn't read updates.

OK, that's a lot. Did you both have therapy after your daughter died? Or was it straight into ADHD chaos?

That's so much to deal with.

OH @ByPeppyKoala I hope you have support, it's not ok that your husband has checked out because he can't cope, you both need help here. He doesn't get to bugger off, what about you? I guess you're just soldiering on, because you don't have the option to chuck yourself under a train.

And whilst I have some sympathy for your husband's MH struggles given everything that's gone and is going on, I still find it very selfish that he's opening up to friends and not to you,his wife that he a shared grief with, these things need to be spoken about, always and often.

He doesn't get to check out, he has to accept that he's struggling and needs help. How does he think it would affect you all if he did decide that the train track was the most attractive option? How would that leave you and his sons?

Darling, whatever the reason, that man HAS abandoned his children.

If the headline he's given you is exactly the reason he's gone that is a direct abandonment.

'I Can't cope' is abandonment.

Whether this is classic 'A N Other'

Or just general dickheadry, that man HAS abandoned his children.

And you.

please ignore all the posts from people who haven’t read the full thread.

You’ve had to go through an absolutely horrific time, and it’s still going - take the support from here but not the criticism - you’ve more than enough on your plate and are a Hero for getting up every day and doing your best. It won’t always be like this. Your DH needs help and it sounds like he will now get it. Your children will settle in time too - you all need help and time to heal, give yourself grace xx

'woman are societally expected to push past ours and keep on pushing,'

As are men. When it comes to mental health, they can also be victims of the patriarchy. They account for around 80% of all suicides.

Yes ,if the double life is too much to deal
with . "This place ". What's that comment for ?

Firstly sorry for your loss of your daughter .

You are talking a lot about dealing with the diagnosis of two of your boys , but not about the impact of losing your daughter . You don’t say how long ago , how old the boys were , how they are dealing with the loss and how you and your husband have been .

“What I am struggling with is that from the outside he has everything, and I think he cannot get his head around why he feels so unhappy.”

i think it’s more than the diagnosis . The unhappiness surely has roots in the loss of your daughter . Did you and he get any counselling, support for the children.

A friend of mine lost her child ten years ago. She has other children who she loves . She hides it from them but says to me she is broken and life will never be the same and she will never feel quite the same happiness. Of course she has happiness . Day to day she has happiness. Her children are adults. They all speak and remember their sibling with their mother and father . But there is a gap deep down.

im saying this because your loss will have an impact . The focus is on the diagnosis . But what about the loss.

I've been there and felt the temptation to walk away. Not because I didn't love my family dearly, but because I thought I was useless and couldn't cope. I got help and have been much better. Parenting nd children is no joke. I'm struggling again at the moment but now I know the signs. Years of mental exhaustion gets you down. I hope he gets the help he needs. Take care of yourself too.

OP I'm sorry about all you've been and still are going through, including the judgment on this thread.

It's good that your DH has opened up. I hope you both get the help you need, and your boys too. Will light a candle and think of you.🌸

I think part of your post was a bit harsh. His friend possibly saved OP’s husband’s life that day. He took the day off work himself and stayed with her husband until the OP came home from work. He’s a bit of a hero really.

OP, I hope your husband gets the help he needs. It sounds like you’ve both been through some very tough times as parents. You could also probably do with some counselling yourself.

Goodness you both have had so much to deal with. I hope the TAf can help and also that your DH can get good support.

I'm sorry you've had so much flack on this thread. I guess it makes some people feel better about themselves.

Thinking of you all.