AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

When he says there is so much chaos… is that true? Really have a think about your home life; is it very chaotic? Is there a lot of noise and arguing and having to tell them off (and being ignored), low level bad behaviour, difficult meal times etc?

I’ve got boys that are the same ages as yours and I’d say that’s really not normal. Of course they have their moments, but on the whole, we have a very calm chilled atmosphere at home.

If your family life really is overwhelming, then I can understand him snapping and thinking he can’t cope anymore. I don’t understand him actually leaving. There should be discussion, and a plan made, family counselling or small steps at a time. But maybe if he has this break, he can come back to the table ready to work on change. If that’s what you would want? It isn’t all about him. You obviously have to cope in the house too, and you didn’t get to walk out and abandon the kids and just expect to get away with it. What he had done is really selfish, and it’s totally ok for you to decide that actually, you don’t want him as your partner anymore because he wasn’t a very good one. So, don’t just think about what he needs… think about what you want.

Are you talking at all? Is he seeing the kids? And how is the practical stuff like childcare and finances been dealt with?

He’s either having a mental health crisis or has an OW. Either way, just walking out on his family is despicable. Give him the space and when he gets back in touch, demand the truth.

Never ceases to amaze me how many men just walk out on their families and leave the women to just cope. Women rarely do this.
Where's he gone??
OP - this could many things, as PPs have said. Most likely is an OW, but could be work, health worries, something he's kept to himself. If it really is just that he can't cope with the noise/chaos of the DC, then he may come to his senses and come back. But the sitting you down and telling you - rather than storming out on the spur of the moment - seems ominous.
You seem to be taking it very calmly, if I may say so. Possibly you are in shock - look after yourself.

There were many many times when I couldn't cope any more with my kids. They drove me to the brink of insanity frequently. But, as a single parent, I couldn't walk out, no matter how bad it was. Nice for men to have the option.

OP, there's no reason why your boys shouldn't have their father in their lives even if you divorce.

Why do men think they can have children and then just walk away when the going gets tough...

Call his bluff, say yea I was thinking the same thing, perhaps we should get them adopted!!

Then when he says, we cant do that are you serious.

You can say well why do you get to walk out on the chaos and I dont!!

So…where is he? Has he been in touch at all? What about his family, his parents etc?

You seem quite..passive about the whole thing. Have you contacted him?

Do you know where he is? Have you had any contact since he left? I might give him a couple of days then I would be in touch to ask what he is doing to try to get himself back on track. Walking out on your family is not 'normal' behaviour so perhaps he needs to see his GP. Would counselling individually or together be an option? He's counting on you to pick up everything and that's just not fair. Does he plan to never see his sons again, because if you separate he'll be spending time with them on his own?

Well I would be wanting to know from him how he wants to work out 50/50 shared custody and then he can manage family life all on his fucking own for 50% of the time.

Following on from my earlier post - even if you can't find your own rage, please find it on their behalf.

What a fucking shithead.

What did he say about leaving you to now do every single thing, and how you would cope with that?

You shouldn't be hurt. You should be incandescent with rage at this weak, selfish man.

Do you know where he is and can you make contact? Ideally you need to talk and get to the bottom of what's going on in his head. Sometimes with threads like this you straight away get an OW vibe but with this I get a medical one. No one here can tell you what the problem is, still less the solution, but I think you need to talk to him and he needs to talk to a GP.

So have you heard from him since he left? Do you know where he is staying, is he going to work, is he ok?

Of course you're justified in feeling that way. People commenting that the children should be behaving better well their father is reasonable l responsible for them too. Tell him you've had a think about it and you've had enough too, ask him what do you suggest you both do with the children? Put them in care? Of course he'll think you're crazy, well that's exactly what he's done, walked away. You deserve at very least an explanation, a proper conversation.

This, sometimes it is their behaviour, especially if it’s gone unchecked and they have been allowed to behave appalling.
but he is also complicit in this too, if he has permitted them to behave as you have described, so should not have walked off and left you to it if so!

I actually thought this too. What about Mum? She just has to get on with it? Great.

Reframe:

He publically humiliated you by shouting in restaurant.

He abandoned you by walking out.

He trapped you by leaving you with the boys in public.

He gave you the silent treatment.

He has now left you, taking you for granted and making you the default parent.

He can’t cope, but has left you to cope. Therefore he undervalues you.

He's an abusive asshole.

How lovely it must be to just be able to announce that you can’t do it any more and walk out
You can’t do the life that you’ve created and that you don’t want to anymore so that’s that

So much for the protectors and the providers eh ?

It's amazing that fathers can just disappear to "get space", leaving mothers to do all the work.
He's given zero thought to you and is just concentrating on his own needs without and discussion.

Well yes he is failing if that is how he reacts to his kids playing up in a restaurant. Ask him how he plans to improve his resilience given that whether you are together or apart he needs to parent his own offspring.

I also wondered whether he’s having an affair and is using the children’s behaviour as an excuse to leave.

I actually feel a bit angry for you OP.

Family life is overwhelming at times, but you don't just get to walk away and leave your partner to deal with it solo.

I hope a break is enough to give your DH the strength or the opportunity to get the help he needs so he can get back and pick up his fathering duties.

Same situation happened to me . On holiday with our ( then ) under 3 dd . She was going through a phase of bad behaviour and fussy eating .
After a fraught meal out , he said he was leaving us there and going home by himself . He also said he couldn't cope with it and didn't know if he wanted out .
This was a quite a few years ago now so I can't remember the finer details , but we stayed in holiday for a few more days before cutting it short by a day or two .
Fast forward a few years , we muddled on until our now 2dc were teenagers and he couldn't cope with that , so now an ex .
As many on here say , when they show the real them , believe it .

Other than she being a man, there is zero to suggest anything about an ow.

It sounds like exactly what he has said. The kids are an absolute nightmare and he's had enough.

Gotta love how a man thinks he can just walk out on a family. What a dick.

I also think it sounds like he's having a breakdown.