AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

No I stand by my comment.

Thank you for coming back and updating us all. I hope your DH gets plenty of rest, that the meds and therapy get him back to full health and that your family thrive.
My youngest DS has ASD and ADHD as did his dad so I do have an inkling of what life might be like for you. DS also has an anxiety disorder.
Wishing you all you wish yourself.

So happy you could work together to find a solution. Having kids on a spectrum is extremely difficult. Best of luck to both of you trying to navigate this kind of normalcy. Never doubted in your previous comments it was an affair.

As someone who had been through a mental health crisis myself (and I have a SEN child), it is very very heavy.

I think DP needs to seriously consider coming back home though. Staying away from the house is eventually going to make him feel more isolated, lonely, depressed etc. A day or two to get some rest, but he needs to be at home with his family (as recovery from these can take months or YEARS and he cant move out indefinitely).

It sounds like he needs to take some time off work - a couple of months at least. Get some therapy/CBT booked in and see a GP for some medication (some are against it but I think it helps for severe depression, especially when suicide ideation etc comes into it).

I hope your DP gets all the help he needs soon and you get some support too!

Some very nasty people on this website.

Fantastic post IMO.

One of the reasons why men take their own life is attitudes like yours. If a woman has mental health issues the majority of people will be supportive, offer practical and / or emotional support and recommend various therapies. Women often ask for help at an earlier stage. Men can just feel a failure and that they are weak if they need help. This gets reinforced by lack of understanding of mental illness and the idea that they could just pull themselves together and get on with it. In my lifetime I know 5 people who have taken their own life 4 men and 1 woman. I also know 2 people whose fathers took their own life. 3 of the men had dependent children.

You honestly don't come across as sympathetic at all. Imagine if it was a woman who was having a mental health crisis and was on the verge of taking her own life. Would you make the same comments?

Also, reread your own posts, do you think they are helping the OP in any way what so ever? It's hard when someone has a mental breakdown, it's a long journey back to being well again and OP needs to get support wherever she can. Making nasty comments about her sick husband and your perception that he has failed rather than is seriously unwell wont help I can assure you.

OP, I’ve read all of your posts and I’m so, so sorry for everything you’re going through. You sound utterly amazing, and in fairness so does he, although this incident sounds frightening.

If I understood correctly, he has a GP appointment. I hope they can get him both medication and talking therapies to help.

I found myself wondering two things.

1. Can he take a month or even 2-3 months off work? It sounds as if he needs a proper rest.

2. Can he have at least a week away alone, or staying with a quiet family member somewhere where he doesn’t have to do anything or think about anything?

3. Can you and he also have even just a weekend doing nothing by yourselves.

My overwhelming impression was that your life is very, very busy, with little downtime. Taking two neurodiverse children to Barbados with other family followed by France (especially if you drove) is…a lot. Can you do a much simpler holiday with limited travel time that doesn’t tire them out next time?

Absolutely my very best and I hope life can become a little less effort for you all. I’m sorry you had to deal with all the commentary suggesting OW, it doesn’t sound like that at all. Sometimes we just snap and need time to recover.

This is not the thread to have that discussion. It’s in bad taste to dig in your heels rather than just say sorry, I didn’t read all of OPs posts, but rather reinforce your messaging.

start another thread if it’s that important to you?

A man who thinks that it's better if he throws himself in front of a train is clearly very unwell. Men are more likely to die by suicide than women. Men are told to 'man up' constantly. Even after the updates posters were still making derogatory comments about the OPs husband. As I said much earlier, having had a DS almost end his own life, I have a tiny amount of understanding of why men behave as they do, and how dismissive some health care professionals can be about males with psychiatric illness. Too often men are told that they are not allowed to be 'weak', just look at the comments here. People who have reached a crisis often don't behave rationally, it's as obvious as that.

I disagree. I hadn't seen the OP's updates, and obviously I am sympathetic towards anyone who says they are suicidal. If I had seen them, I would have withheld my comment on taste grounds.

But since I didn't and my comment is out there, I actually think we should ALL grow up and look the other, more general data in the eye.

Somehow, women manage to live through mental anguish in order to look after the babies and children that depend on them. They very, very rarely abandon them.

Why does male anguish carry more weight? Why are we understanding when men walk away from their families because things are too hard for them? Why is there no equivalent: 'things got too hard for her' or 'she couldn't cope with family life'?

It sounds like this man is seriously unwell. But I was driven to make my comment because every day here we read about men who are "struggling" or who have opted out of family life or who are "not very good with the kids". More often we hear of men who are "great dads" - not because they actually parent their kids, caring for them emotionally and physically, thinking ahead to their needs, and working as a team with the mother, but because they have managed, for example, to refrain from verbally abusing the kids as they do the wife.

Why can't men cope with doing anything like their fair share, to the extent that when required to they perceive it as an attack? Why do they experience equality as an oppression? And why do women always have to pick up the pieces when it all becomes too much?

It's not childish to ask these questions - it's clear-eyed and honest, and we would all benefit from being grown up enough to ask them.

@ByPeppyKoala i am also based in Oxfordshire and have a sone with adhd and a daughter with autism. We are going to see a specialist in a couple of weeks who has been recommended to me as once you have the diagnosis you just get left to deal with it. My son was diagnosed at 5 and is now nearly 11 and I can see how hard it is for him every day to try and hold it all together.
happy to DM you and share details if you like. It’s hard and it puts enormous pressure on both parents as it’s extremely exhausting, so totally sympathise with you and what you are going through.

Absolutely vile

OP, I'm so sorry for everything you've all been through.
Get every last scrap of help you can from family and friends. See if you can get some counselling urgently so you have somebody to help you navigate your own feelings and to give you an outlet. I think that will give you a bit more mental energy to help your husband.
Can you talk to your husband's friend and ask them to look out for him? They may be doing so already but it wouldn't hurt for you to be in regular contact.
And - most important of all - be super kind to yourself.
💐

Your kids sound lovely OP, any responses pearl clutching about behaviour at dinner are just rubbish. Some days are just randomly like that, especially with NDs but also for anyone. People just love to judge needlessly.

While your DH may be having suicidal thoughts you really have to look after yourself here, this could be CPTSD for both of you after the loss of your daughter (I am so sorry) and complexities around that which need to be looked in to, for you as much as your DH. Theres only so much you can take personally, to look after yourself, to look after kids, to now look after a DH in a mental health crisis, with the added pressure of now solo parenting and constant uncertainty. Just sending you solidarity, please try to prioritise your mental health, too.

Oh gosh, you’ve both really been through the mill, I’m so sorry OP. I think he’s just under a lot of stress, as you inevitably will be, and he’s having a MH crisis. You both need some space. Lots of marriages break down after the loss of a child. I’d imagine you’ve already been through therapy but this should be ongoing.

I can't understand why people are replying without even getting to the MN comment at the end of the OPs FIRST POST!

"head in hands" For the love of God, read the OP's posts! Two of her children have just been diagnosed with ADHD; their daughter passed away age 5 from leukaemia; he's been experiencing strong suicide ideation and has had difficulty stopping himself from jumping in front of trains.

Something else is worrying him? YA THINK???

Oh, OP, your posts are so heartbreaking, what a situation. You sound like such a lovely strong caring person and you've done so well to get your husband to open up to you properly. It's a long and difficult road ahead but identifying what was wrong was the first huge hurdle.

Your husband needs professional help and I'm sure you will support him with accessing that. But please don't forget about caring for yourself as well as him and the kids. You are important too and you have so much on your shoulders. Does your work have a Employee Assistance Plan? I would start there and see what support there is for YOU.

Also wanted to say my eldest has ASD and ADHD and we got fobbed off a lot so he wasn't diagnosed until secondary school. The early years were very tough going at times, he literally could not sit still or stop taking and we had all the comments/judgement e.g. "you need to be stricter/I wouldn't put up with that nonsense etc." My husband found it particularly hard and got exasperated or checked out a lot (and it was hard for me not to resent that as it left me doing even more to hold it together) but we got through it. Meds were very useful for our son (i know they aren't a magic bullet for everyone) and he's now a young adult about to do his finals and has a lovely life and a lovely partner. You sound like a lovely mum and I'm sure you will do your boys proud, though it won't always be plain sailing.

Just to be clear. I have immense sympathy for anyone who is mentally ill. Male/female, doesn't matter. There is such a stigma attached, and some of the comments here show the reality of the situation.

I know @loislovesstewie. I try and think they can’t be that cruel and callous and only read the op and want to get in and be nasty because of their misanthropic thinking

Oh dear god! Do you really have no empathy for a man who is in the middle of a mental health crisis? Do you not understand that he has considered suicide as the only way out? You are part of the reason why men don't seek help, and end up exiting life.
Do you really hate men so much? I truly hope you have no sons who find themselves mentally ill.

Charities like Winston’s Wish would also be a very good place for support (you might have used them already). I’m so sorry for all your troubles and I hope together, now your DH has opened up, you’re able to access the help and support you all need.

A space to discuss feelings and worries would make a huge difference to you all - your love for your husband and children is so obvious in every word you’ve written. Help is out there - and experts in grief and family therapy will be able to support you.

I hope things are a little better today now you’ve spoken to him. And in all this - don’t forget to look after yourself. You are also entitled to feel let down, and hurt, and overburdened. Be kind to yourself too 💐

Oh go and read the thread @THisbackwithavengeance !

do you think the op will be thanking you for such a horrible post?

am so sorry @ByPeppyKoala - for your family’s situation and for everything you are going through now. Please contact the TAF for their valuable support.