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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

540 replies

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 11:40

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 13:18

Notalotanota2026 · 19/04/2026 13:06

He just does not love you anymore.

Maybe

OP posts:
CheeseAndTomatoSandwichWithMayo · 19/04/2026 13:16

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 13:12

You don’t need to judge me. My children aren’t just allowed to behave badly. There’s a lot more to it than just ‘badly behaved’ they don’t rule the house. I just did not feel like airing out every single detail about my children.

I do love my husband I’m in shock and quite frankly very sad right now.

Show quote history

Of course you're in shock and sad. Of course you are. But many of us are trying to work out IF the home life is chaos and is THIS chaos truly the reason your husband has walked out?

If it IS the reason he's walked out, how can we help you improve/ stop the chaos? Why is it so chaotic?

Because if he's left because of the chaos, might it be possible to sort it out?

How can we help? ❤️

GreenSmallBird · 19/04/2026 13:16

Your responses are a bit strange OP. You said the boys behaviour was bad but then upbraided people asking about this by implying there may be ND at play here. An adult should not just up and leave but it sounds like there is way more going on here. Have you and your DH disagreed previously about their behaviour? People can’t provide help if you are so vague about what’s led up to this. Your DH could be a complete prick or he could be facing a mental health crisis no one on here knows.

dreamingbohemian · 19/04/2026 13:16

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 13:03

You’re misunderstanding and making assumptions. You don’t know our children, you don’t know if they have any additional needs or anything that might have been happening recently.

I didn’t mean oh well at the chaos I’m just in a lot of shock right now.

Show quote history

Of course I don't know your children, we can only go by what you share.

If there is more context I suggest sharing it if you want more informed responses. It obviously makes a difference if there are special needs involved. It matters if you do the majority of parenting and your DH feels like he can't change the situation. It matters if he has an incredibly stressful job etc etc.

Moveoverdarlin · 19/04/2026 13:15

I would bet he has another woman. She’ll be younger, no kids, and when he visits her in her own place it will be calm and easy and peaceful, the complete opposite of your house. The holiday pushed him over the she because she wasn’t there to run off to.

I would brace yourself OP, this is just the beginning.

Original poster
ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 13:12

Caniweartheseones · 19/04/2026 12:43

I actually think: why are your children allowed to be so badly behaved? You sound very passive and also not a communicator. How can it have gone on for so long? Do you love your DH? Do your children rule the house? Does your DH also have problems communicating? Feel like you need a family therapist to help set some boundaries, raise expectations of the boys and encourage communication for all.

You don’t need to judge me. My children aren’t just allowed to behave badly. There’s a lot more to it than just ‘badly behaved’ they don’t rule the house. I just did not feel like airing out every single detail about my children.

I do love my husband I’m in shock and quite frankly very sad right now.

OP posts:
HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 19/04/2026 13:12

So instead of working as a team to deal with the chaos he’s just abandoned you and left you to deal with it.
What a prince 🙄

Snorlaxo · 19/04/2026 13:10

When you find your rage, you’ll not be unreasonable to think wtf.

Your boys are far too old to misbehave in restaurants but they have 2 parents so you’re both responsible for that disaster. Is there some sort of drip feed like SN that you forgot to mention? A 2 year old on holiday misbehaving because of a change in routine is one thing but your sons are way older than that.

Is he a quiet person while the rest of you are loud and extrovert? Why would he have 3 kids when he must have known how noisy family life is after one or two kids?

Do you know where he is and if he’s going to work etc? You need him to say what he’d like to happen with regards to contact moving forward then talk to the boys about his proposal because over 11/12s are legally allowed to choose how much contact they have with each parent. If he’s paying for where he’s staying and sure that he wants to move out then you both need a discussion on finances - selling the house etc

Most importantly he owes you an explanation of what he’s clearly been hiding from you for a long time.Even if it’s something upsetting and his intentions were noble (trying to protect you during a time when you were stressed etc), he clearly can’t cope with bottling it up any longer.

Legally and socially he can decide to run away and not come back because he’s a man but if he ever loved you and respects you then he owes you the truth about how he’d like to move forward. The lack of clarity is disrespectful and completely unfair on you.

moose62 · 19/04/2026 13:10

What sort of chaos are you talking about? Constant fighting from the boys, additional needs, bad behaviour?
All these should be treated differently. If your children have additional needs, it is very unfair of your DH to walk out and leave you to pick up the slack / pieces.
He might well be tired by it all, but I suspect you might be as well, but would walk out and leave someone else to deal with it.

Beachwalker66 · 19/04/2026 13:09

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 13:00

I know where he is and he has spoken to the kids everyday since he left. He has not cut them off completely at least as of yet.

There’s a lot of assumptions being made from my post maybe I wasn’t specific enough but I don’t think he’s abandoning his children.

Show quote history

You said you were upset that your children would no longer have their father in their lives, so that’s why people are asking whether he’s totally disappeared.

Have you got friends and family in real life who can support you through this painful process of separation?

Have you made an appointment for legal advice? I think you might feel stronger if you can take back some control. 💐

DeadBug · 19/04/2026 13:08

I'd be so angry. If it's chaos and too much for him, how is leaving you to deal with it all on your own okay?

He needs to accept responsibility and help to make things better. If he won't do that, I wish you all the strength and ability to send him packing.

Notalotanota2026 · 19/04/2026 13:06

He just does not love you anymore.

Original poster
ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 13:06

ReprogramNeeded · 19/04/2026 12:17

So have you heard from him since he left? Do you know where he is staying, is he going to work, is he ok?

I think he is struggling but he is speaking to the boys every day I know where he is staying. He’s not just disappeared he just left. He is still going to work I’ve told him to maybe try take some time off work.

OP posts:
PoppinjayPolly · 19/04/2026 13:05

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 13:03

You’re misunderstanding and making assumptions. You don’t know our children, you don’t know if they have any additional needs or anything that might have been happening recently.

I didn’t mean oh well at the chaos I’m just in a lot of shock right now.

Show quote history

@ByPeppyKoala do they have additional needs?
there is a MASSIVE gulf between behaviours related to additional needs and behaviours because of permissive parenting!

Original poster
ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 13:03

dreamingbohemian · 19/04/2026 12:47

Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Errrr you could try making them less chaotic??? Both of you, to be fair.

Children those ages should not be messing around and acting up in a restaurant. You say life at home is loud and chaotic. DH told you before he was struggling with it, if your answer was just Oh well nothing much I can do, you can see why he'd eventually just break.

Not defending him walking out but your home life sounds very stressful.

You’re misunderstanding and making assumptions. You don’t know our children, you don’t know if they have any additional needs or anything that might have been happening recently.

I didn’t mean oh well at the chaos I’m just in a lot of shock right now.

OP posts:
CDTC · 19/04/2026 13:03

Is he burnt out? How is his work? He sounds at the end of his tether right now. I feel for you op, this is not an easy position to be in for you.

WellConfusedandDazed · 19/04/2026 13:02

I’d bet my pension he’d having an affair or close to it.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstated · 19/04/2026 13:01

RodJaneandBungle · 19/04/2026 12:32

There’s obviously so much context to this OP so it’s hard to advise. Is he in a very stressful job, how much is he hands on with parenting & domestic /mental/physical load? Does he bottle stuff up normally? Has he expressed feeling like this or “overwhelmed” in any way before? How is the division of labour split - do you work at all, part time or full time? Are you still physically intimate or is everything about just raising the family & gettting by & being exhausted so no time for eachother - which is not obviously unusual or unreasonable.

I too don’t like that he gets to literally throw the towel in & claim male fragility. He signed up to parent & be a husband so he doesn’t get that luxury. You don’t & wouldn’t I imagine if you were feeling equally overwhelmed.
Your DC do not deserve a father that abandons when the going gets tough.

But he may be having or close to a nervous breakdown of sorts & literally has reached breaking point. That’s the dilemma.

I think to leave you in the dark not knowing & feeling as though you & the boys are too much & too unbearable for him must be incredibly hurtful & hard to bear.

Is he communicating at all with you & is this what he’s like generally? I guess the old adage of men not being able to articulate their feelings or communicate easily well apply here.

I think you need to convey reasonable hurt & uncertainty to him alongside a willingness to understand & get to the bottom of what’s going on. If it’s a breakdown he himself may not know what’s happening to him & that can be very scary - do he may not even be able to have concrete answers. So love & empathy are obviously key.

Had he had any vulnerabilities to stress overload in the past? He sounds like his need for a nice meal, a holiday & a break was never going to really happen on a family holiday where tbh it’s hardly stress free with boisterous kids & he sounds like he was craving adult time & decompression & enjoying it in a way that’s challenged by family holidays. Not to say they can’t be all of those things but YKWIM.

Is he answering calls? I’d be very confused & scared if I were you too. He really owes you the decency to let you in. If he’s having a mental health breakdown that can be quite hard to however. As the tendency is to withdraw & shut out & self preserve.

Keep reaching out & asking how he is. That you love him & are concerned about him? That he can talk to you & that you hate seeing him
like this? If he needs to fix this that’s do able? There is no pressure on him.

If it’s another manipulative ploy common to men to claim male fragility, throw in the towel & abandon because someone else is offering him sex, carefree living & an ego trip - then all of the above can go to fuck.

Really tricky Op you have my sympathies. Keep us posted x

Excellent post

Trusttheawesome · 19/04/2026 13:01

silproblem · 19/04/2026 12:52

If he actually parented his kids then there wouldn't be any of the messing about in a restaurant - so basically he's failed as a parent and then walked out and left you to deal with the mess.

He's a shit excuse for a farther so your boys are properly better off anyway. Id start getting things in place and figure where you are financially and start divorcing him, take back control now x

Your first paragraph applies to the OP as well then. Both parents are responsible.

I’m a single parent so I take full credit for my children’s behaviour. The OP and her husband did it together.

If you’re going to slag off her kids behaviour, then you can’t just slag off the husband.

Original poster
ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 13:00

Beachwalker66 · 19/04/2026 12:49

Do you mean you have had no contact since? He hasn’t had any contact with his DC? Do you think he intends to cut them out completely?

Show quote history

I know where he is and he has spoken to the kids everyday since he left. He has not cut them off completely at least as of yet.

There’s a lot of assumptions being made from my post maybe I wasn’t specific enough but I don’t think he’s abandoning his children.

OP posts:
Foundress · 19/04/2026 13:00

Parky04 · 19/04/2026 12:35

Majority of men don't want children. They have them because the women does. It really is no surprise that men walk out when the going gets tough!

Show quote history

Unfortunately I think this is true. As I have got older I believe many especially younger women are deluded in thinking most men want children. Men may say they do (it’s more or less expected these days). When the reality of having children hits them men can walk away. Women are left holding the baby quite literally. I sometimes think other civilisations got it right with the women living in their own set up with all the children. All supporting each other. The men were off separately in some other encampment. Sorry that is of no help to the OP.

Trusttheawesome · 19/04/2026 12:59

NOTANUM · 19/04/2026 12:45

How much is he taking the kids overnight or calling to see how they are? Let me guess - not at all..

Kids that close together and that age are chaos - it’s the way it is. I’d be totally furious that he walks out and leaves you to it all. What would happen if you decided it was too chaotic as well?!

Has he family? If so, do they know he just walked out without looking back? If so, let them look after him while you find your anger OP.

Sorry but no, boys that age and that close are not chaos. They certainly don’t behave like that in a restaurant. I’ve never experienced that with mine. They certainly do have their moments, I’ve had my moments of raising my voice and bollocking them for times of bad behaviour, but I wouldn’t describe our general life as “chaos” because that’s just not how kids behave, unless they have other issues.

UniquePinkSwan · 19/04/2026 12:56

Fends · 19/04/2026 12:00

Well, knew he wasn’t going to be able to escape to shag the OW all the time he was stuck in France didn’t he? They always get the holiday sulks and lash out at their family as a result. Classic.

Ffs. The man sounds depressed. You would never say that to a woman

Mix56 · 19/04/2026 12:54

Have you communicated at all since?
He owes you, at the very least, a frank conversation, telling you whether he plans to come back ? what does he plan to tell his sons ? whether the truth is an OW? How the finances will work now ?
You need to tell him, that even if it's hard? how come he is able to down tools but expects you to carry the whole thing alone, & confused to boot ?
If he needs help, he better get it soon, or there will be no about turn.

ValhallaCalling · 19/04/2026 12:53

SexIsNotNebulous · 19/04/2026 12:20

Well I would be wanting to know from him how he wants to work out 50/50 shared custody and then he can manage family life all on his fucking own for 50% of the time.

Maybe he would prefer to only see them half of the time, they sound like a nightmare and he sounds sick of them!

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